So I'm in England now.... the flight was about as I expected it would be, long and boring. I got the seat in front of the fire escape in the middle of the plane, which meant I couldn't recline my chair. As a result, I couldn't get comfortable at all, and thus could not fall asleep. I nodded off a few times, but the majority of my time I spent feeling my energy levels drop while I struggled to get comfortable. Nothing worked though. I was doomed to be miserable from the start. As more and more time passed on the plane, and I felt myself getting further and further from home, it became increasingly hard for me to hold in my tears. I broke into sobbing fits every hour or so, as I thought about those I was leaving behind and the lack of people waiting for me upon arrival. I started to seriously doubt my decision, pondering the "rightness" of my choice. Is it supposed to hurt this bad? I'm not sure...all I DO know is that I increasingly wish I were not here. As I sit here now, it's 6:20pm England time (2:11pm Ontario time), I'm deathly tired, but I can't sleep because I am afraid to. I know that sounds scary, and in fact makes very little sense. But I am afraid to sleep, because I don't know where I am. I know I am going to wake up cold and alone, and at first I won't know where I am. I can already feel that feeling of panic rising up in my throat, and it brings tears to my eyes. I am so deathly afraid of climbing into that bed alone...I desperately wish I had someone to share it with me...
I am just so scared....
I know everyone expects me to be brave about this, and to enjoy the experience. However, I'm just having a really hard time doing that. I know a lot of people would trade positions with me, and I wish they would. I wish I could back out now, and come home...but I can't. I have to push through this panic, and try to accept it. I am hoping that once I get settled and make some friends, perhaps it won't be so bad. Have your fingers crossed for me as well...
So my last few days were great. Thursday I was supposed to go to the last day of this Teaching Shakespeare workshop,but I bailed on them in order to spend more time at home. I went out for coffee with M that afternoon; he had wanted to take me out the night before but I couldn't go on account of the stupid workshop. We had a great chat, and stayed in Coffee Culture for two and a half hours. Then we went to A&P, to grab some mix. When he dropped me off at my house, I asked him to come in, and then to stay to dinner. He happily agreed to stay. We had curry chicken. While it was good at the time, it definitely gave BOTH of us the 'rhea. Yum! That night Holly, Matt, Steph, SHeena, Meaghan, Christine, Paul and M came over to show me one last good night. It was a really good night, though somehow I got drunker than I wanted. M ended up staying the night with me, which is what I had wanted all along. We had another really great night together, just being really sweet and tender with each other. I had wanted to fall asleep clinging to him, but my drunkeness took over, and I passed out.
In the morning, a bunch of us went to Breakfast. M came, though he didn't eat, because he wasn't feeling well. We held hands under the table the entire time, while I rubbed his back and told him to feel better.
Then Ethan, M and I went to Rogers and rented "Hot Rod", since Christine and Paul told me I HAD to see it. It WAS rather funny, but very very random. I still laughed, and that was what I needed on my last day...
M and I spent the entire day together, before I had to leave and he had to go to work, and it was great. I didn't ever want him to leave, because when he left it would mean it was my time to go. It was so hard, when the time came that he had to go. We stood in the doorway, staring at each other silently for a minute. Then I grabbed him, burying my face onto his shoulders. He kissed the top of my head, and held me there, while I sobbed softly on him. I just couldn't not cry. All the regret about leaving him was starting to pile up, and it got to be too much for me to handle. I could do nothing but wish things were different; wish I wasn't going, or taht he could come....it just felt so profoundly wrong for it to be over. After about ten minues of us holding each other in the doorway, we exchanged a few soft kisses, and he left for work.
Soon after, right before I was about to get into the car to leave, I get a text from him.
"I'm not going to lie, I'm really going to miss you" he said.
"Me too. I don't want to go. I'm sorry I'm doing this. It sucks hard" I replied.
"Yah it does, but I am so happy for you. This is a great thing for you. You deserve to have fun. Just be safe, because it would break my heart if something happened to you" he said.
"I'll be safe. You stay away from crazy bitches. You deserve waay more than that" I replied.
"Thank you. You're the first girl that made me realize that. You're so sweet. I hope that it's not the end for us. If you meet Prince Charming over there, I will try not to get too hung up, because you deserve it"
"Aw hun, don't even worry about that. It's not over between us, eff that. I will be back befor eyou know it" I replied.
It went on like that for a bit, and all I could do was keep myself from balling my eyes out. I just REALLY liked this guy...we clicked, and he is everything I want in a guy...he's affectionate and sweet, and he's a man's man too. We're a perfect match. I know it sounds stupid to say that, but we really are. It's almost stupid how good we get on. I miss him so much, as stupid as that sounds. I can't stop thinking about him...and how I wish I had a phone here, so I could text him...or call him...but I can't. UGH, its so frustrating. I want to be with him, and it's not going to happen for awhlie. I can only hope that it really will pick up when I return. I will cross my fingers that some other girl doesn't realize what a catch he is....and he really is amazing....
But enough of that. I went for a walk today, trying to check out cell phones in the area. I was told by the front desk to go to Tesco, so I walked over. I took a picture of it, and it really reminded me of the Wallmart Superstore...cept this thing doesn't seem as effed, morally. Then again, what do I know? I went in, but they didn't have any smartphones, so I said eff that.
Then I came back to the hotel, and had them call me a cab, which I took to this really cute outdoor shopping carosel, to look at the company's own displays and stores. Only one store offered the Curve on a plan I cod get (12 month!). The cab rides were interesting, because it gave me first hand knowledge of how CRAZY the people around here drive...FAST AS HELL AND VERY RECKLESSLY! It's seriously creepy bad. They wipp around corners, and don't slow down for anyone. At one point I thought perhaps there were no speed limits, because everyong is going at different paces.
Well....I am nearly falling asleep on the keyboard...so I will end now, and perhaps finish this tomorrow. I may be absent on the internet for the next few days, depending on if the Bed and Breakfast has internet in every room. Fingers are crossed though.
Cheers,
A moderatly well-written account of a 20-something Canadian woman's experiences in the world. Be warned...this could get personal.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
On My Going Away Party
So my Goodbye Party was a moderate success this weekend. Everyone that I wanted to be there was there, at least at some point! I even had a few surprises! For one thing, Britt and Candice came. I definitely did not expect them to show up, because I thought that they (well Britt at least) did not like me. I was very surprised and happy to see them! K also showed up, and I wasn't particularily nice to him. Neither were my friends. Rachelle, Holly and Christine all put him in his place, regarding his flippant treatment of me over the last few months. I wasn't necessarily intentially rude to him, as I was actually preoccupied with a much better person. M, to be exact. Increasingly I am coming to regret my previous decision of hanging out with K. Although, I must admit that if I hadn't tried dating K I would never have met M...so I do owe him some props in that regard. Rachelle was especially succint in making me realize that I have a history of making "bad decisions", and that K was just one in a long line of such decisions. Unfortunatly, I had to admit she was right. I don't have the greatest track record with me. Most of that I chalk up to my being overly nice and naieve about men. I often put up with shit, thinking that if I call the guys on their behaviour they'll just leave me. Go back and read some of the shit I wrote about my ordeals with K, and you will find it glaringly obvious that I made a multitude of excuses for his behaviour, and my lack of saying anything to make it better. A decent guy won't dump your ass if you air a grievance; only assholes will. I've really got to stop thinking that I have to walk on eggshells around guys, to keep them around. I don't, and it's stupid of me to think that I do. I don't think I would have to worry about that with M.
There's a lot of things I wouldn't have to worry about, if I were with M. He's so much like me, it's actually ridiculous. Every time he says something about himself I am shocked to find that I am the same way. It's acually eerie. Our personalities are a lot the same. Here's one example for you...if you REALLY know me, you should be aware of my rather annoying habit of saying "Sorry" for everything. If it's raining outside, and you're standing with me, I will apologize for the rain. If we're out eating dinner together, and something is wrong with your meal, I will apologize for THAT. I say sorry for literally ANYTHING that goes wrong when you are in my presence. Well, the other night I was with Trevor, and he was drunk while I was sober. For EVERY little thing that happened, he apologized profusely. I actually had to say (and I have NEVER said this to ANYONE, though it's always said to me) "Stop saying sorry!"
I immediatly had to laugh, because it was just too ironic.
Anyways, I hadn't intended to get to the topic of my growing admiration for M just yet...I wanted to discuss the goings on of my night.
So the night was going smashingly well. I was well on my way to being drunk, without being TOO drunk, and everyone was being sociable and fun. Then Zack showed up, and immediatly started to be rude to everyone. He didn't bring any booze, and started to try to sneakily steal other people's booze while they weren't looking. Then he started to grab the crotches of women at the party. Finally he grabbed the wrong crotch...he grabbed Hollys. Then he proceeded to flip the table, which contained everyone's booze, and empty beer bottles. I had people coming up to me from all sides, telling me I had to ask him to leave. I asked for the circumstances, and once I found out, I was livid. I tracked him down, and immediatly started to bitch him out. I was freaking out, to the n'th degree. I called him on every dirty thing he'd done since arriving, and pulled out no stops in letting him know exactly what I thought of him.
He cowed down to me instantly, trying to kiss my ass and pander to my nice side. I wasn't having it though. I wouldn't let him get out of it. Suddenly, I felt a circle forming around us, as people crowded around to hear me. I felt Tony immediately behind me, ready to back me up should Zack get billigernet. That scared him a little, I am sure, since Tony is not the kind of guy you want to mess with. Suddenly my emotions got the best of me, and I broke into tears.
"This is my FUCKING party, you asshole, and I shouldn't have to be worried about people cutting themselves on broken glass, or getting molested by a pervert! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE" I yelled at him, tears streaming out of my eyes.
I felt M touch my arm at this point, and I turned to him, burying my head in his shoulder. I hugged him, wiping my tears on his sweater, before storming into the cabin and turning on the shop vac. I angrily started to try and vaccuum up the shards of glass, tears streaming down my face still. I did it for a few moments, while M tried to softly get the vaccuum out of my hands. He finally succeeded, and I passed it to him, and then slumped into a nearby chair, sobbing softly. Someone, I can't remember who, came and took the the vaccuum from M, and he came to console me. Eventually I calmed down, and resolved not to let Zack's stupidity bother me for the rest of the night. We finally got him to leave, with more threats from Tony (merely his presence).
I spent the rest of the night sitting on M's lap, giving him sweet little pecs, as well as talking to my friend from work, Michael. Michael is gay, and probably the funniest person I have ever met. He was also an amazing person to be drunk with, because he got even funnier.
At one point, I don't remember when, I was standing up with my hoody pulled over my head. K was standing directly behind me, and I was talking to Michael. M came up to me, and all of a sudden all I wanted to do was kiss him. He slid his arm around my waist, and I cut off my conversation with Michael, turned to M and pulled my hood hover both of our heads, kissing him. He pulled back, a bit surprised.
"Are you doing this to make K jealous?" he asked.
"No. I am doing this because I want to kiss you more than anything right now" I said. I've never been more honest in my life. I just wanted to feel his hands on the small of my back, while I kissed him under my hoody.
We had what is probably the second most passionate kiss of my life (the first came later in the night), under the comfort of my hoody.
While we were kissing, Holly took the opportunity to rub it in K's face. I heard her walk up to K and ask "Who is that MAKING OUT over there?!?!" in a mock disgusted voice.
"It's M and Krista......" he replied, his voice dripping with jealousy.
M and I both heard it, and shared a brief giggle before resuming our makeout session.
"I'm outta here..." K said a few moments later.
And then he left. I couldn't have been happier.
I don't remember much of the rest of the night, although I do remember going into my tent with M, and having the most passionate kiss of my life in there. We had just finished having pretty great sex, and I turned to him and said "Kiss me."
He rolled onto his side, cupped my face in his hands, and kissed me so softly I thought I was going to die. It was that good. So I kissed him back, equally as soft. We kissed like that for what felt like half an hour. I don't know how long it was, but it was spectacular. It was just a really great, passionate, romantic kiss. It made me melt inside, and regret instantly my decision to go to England.
The following night we all went to see Pineapple Express in London. It was an hilarious movie! I highly recommend it to everyone! I wish I had spent more time with M though...so I invited him to come to Moxies for dinner with the Tills gang the next day, and he accepted.
The dinner was last night, and it went well. It was delicious, and was a great group outing. Afterwards, Holly, Matt, M and I decided to head back to my place to have a few bevy's. I opted out of drinking, since I had a workshop to attend and didn't want to be tired AND drunk. M, however, got very drunk. In his defence, he was only trying to make an awkward situation with Matt and Holly less awkward, by getting Matty really drunk....but he really only succeeded in making HIMSELF horribly drunk. It was absolutly adorable. He didn't want to stay inside, and insisted on going for a walk. So we went for a walk around the block. He could hardly walk a straight line, let alone even stand up straight, so I was holding his hand the entire time.
"I love that you're holding my hand," he said, "It feels so...natural."
I blushed, and giggled, unsure of how to respond. I was actually SO happy to hear him say that, because I felt the same way.
It started to rain at one point, and he insisted on taking off his shirt so that I could cover myself. It was adorably sweet, and I've never had anyone do that. We walked back to my house, him topless and me with his shirt on my head.
We went back inside, and sat on the couch for awhile. However, he got ansy about sitting in the hot house, and asked me to take him home. I agreed, so I drove him over to his place. However, once we got to his house, he made me pull over, and then took the keys out of the ignition.
"I just love spending time with you...come in for awhile!" he said.
"It's 12:30 at night, I am not comin in...your parents will think its all about hanky panky!" I said.
"Okay, fine. We'll hang out in your car!"
I laughed, and said that was fine, if that's what he wanted to do.
So we literally sat in my car, and talked for an hour. Him being drink was absolutly adorable, because he spoke whatever was on his mind.
He professed his anger at the fact that I was leaving in a few days, and that he was so glad that he got to know me.
"I don't usually hang out with girls every night...but I've seen you ever day since Thursday, and I don't even mind, and I wish I could have more..." he said.
I told him I felt the same way.
"I still can't believe I even have a chance with you. I had a crush on you the moment I met you...and I was so jealous of K. I kept thinkin 'Here's this girl with an AMAZING personality, and who is gorgeous to boot, and she's with K...a total asshole'. You have no idea how many times I wanted to punch him for the way he treated you!" he gushed.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing! I told him that I had had a crush on HIM since I met him, and that if he hadn't had a girlfriend when I first met him, I would have ditched my attempts at getting K, and would have focussed on him.
"WHAT?! Really!? I honestly didn't think I ever had a chance with you...it shocked me when you invited me out...." he said.
I assured him that he was, in fact, very attractive to me, and that I thought he was an amazingly nice guy.
"Yah well, you're the hottest girl to ever touch my weiner" he said.
I had a great laugh at this, and so did he.
Then he got serious, and told me that he hoped I had an amazing time in England, and that I deserved the best.
"You're going to go there, and you're going to get swept off your feet by some Prince or Lord or something, who's going to be rich, and drive an amazing car, and buy you amazing things...and he's going to love being with you, because you're just the sweetest, most amazing girl in the world, and you're absolutly beautiful to boot....and I can't even be mad, because you deserve it" he said.
It was honestly the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to me, and all I wanted to say to him was that I don't want to meet a Prince over there, and that if I could have anything in the world it would be to have HIM....but I couldn't. Instead I told him that I wouldn't have time to meet guys in England, and that I wouldn't be looking.
"I don't even have a right to care," he said. "I shouldn't care, I don't care..."
"Clearly you do, and that's alright sweetie," I replied. I put a hand on his leg, and tried to give him my most...my...the look. I can't even name it.
He just kind of looked down, blushing, so I knew it was true.
Then I told him, again, how amazing he was, and that if I wasn't going to England I would date him in a second.
"Yah, well...you're going," he said.
"Well I don't want to..."
We didn't say anything for a minute. I think if I had been drunk as well, I would have spilled my heart out to him. I would have told him that I wish I could stick it out with him, and tell him how amazing I think he is, and how much I beat myself up every day now that I realize...how I wish I wasn't going.
We chatted some more, going from lighthearted to serious. Finally, he realized what time it was, and started to get out of the car.
"Wait!" I said.
He turned to look at me.
"I want a kiss first," I said coyly.
He grinned and leaned in for a kiss.
I kissed him gently on the lips once, pulling away slightly.
"One more," I said quietly, and kissed him again.
"And another," I said after that.
"Give me a good one now..." as I leaned in for one more great kiss. It was just like the one in the tent. He put his hands on my face, and held me there for a good 5 minutes or so. It was so tender, I melted again.
Finally he pulled away.
"One more..." he said this time.
He pecked me on the lips, then opened the door and got out.
"Bye hun!" I said, and pulled away.
I drove home, cursing my life and my luck. I haven't been able to stop thinking about him for weeks....and this weekend made it particularily bad. It's going to be so hard for me to leave...Thursday night I plan to stay up as late as I can, and I hope that he stays up with me. Saying goodbye to him is going to be rough, because I don't want to.
But then again, do I want to say it to anyone? No.
There's a lot of things I wouldn't have to worry about, if I were with M. He's so much like me, it's actually ridiculous. Every time he says something about himself I am shocked to find that I am the same way. It's acually eerie. Our personalities are a lot the same. Here's one example for you...if you REALLY know me, you should be aware of my rather annoying habit of saying "Sorry" for everything. If it's raining outside, and you're standing with me, I will apologize for the rain. If we're out eating dinner together, and something is wrong with your meal, I will apologize for THAT. I say sorry for literally ANYTHING that goes wrong when you are in my presence. Well, the other night I was with Trevor, and he was drunk while I was sober. For EVERY little thing that happened, he apologized profusely. I actually had to say (and I have NEVER said this to ANYONE, though it's always said to me) "Stop saying sorry!"
I immediatly had to laugh, because it was just too ironic.
Anyways, I hadn't intended to get to the topic of my growing admiration for M just yet...I wanted to discuss the goings on of my night.
So the night was going smashingly well. I was well on my way to being drunk, without being TOO drunk, and everyone was being sociable and fun. Then Zack showed up, and immediatly started to be rude to everyone. He didn't bring any booze, and started to try to sneakily steal other people's booze while they weren't looking. Then he started to grab the crotches of women at the party. Finally he grabbed the wrong crotch...he grabbed Hollys. Then he proceeded to flip the table, which contained everyone's booze, and empty beer bottles. I had people coming up to me from all sides, telling me I had to ask him to leave. I asked for the circumstances, and once I found out, I was livid. I tracked him down, and immediatly started to bitch him out. I was freaking out, to the n'th degree. I called him on every dirty thing he'd done since arriving, and pulled out no stops in letting him know exactly what I thought of him.
He cowed down to me instantly, trying to kiss my ass and pander to my nice side. I wasn't having it though. I wouldn't let him get out of it. Suddenly, I felt a circle forming around us, as people crowded around to hear me. I felt Tony immediately behind me, ready to back me up should Zack get billigernet. That scared him a little, I am sure, since Tony is not the kind of guy you want to mess with. Suddenly my emotions got the best of me, and I broke into tears.
"This is my FUCKING party, you asshole, and I shouldn't have to be worried about people cutting themselves on broken glass, or getting molested by a pervert! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE" I yelled at him, tears streaming out of my eyes.
I felt M touch my arm at this point, and I turned to him, burying my head in his shoulder. I hugged him, wiping my tears on his sweater, before storming into the cabin and turning on the shop vac. I angrily started to try and vaccuum up the shards of glass, tears streaming down my face still. I did it for a few moments, while M tried to softly get the vaccuum out of my hands. He finally succeeded, and I passed it to him, and then slumped into a nearby chair, sobbing softly. Someone, I can't remember who, came and took the the vaccuum from M, and he came to console me. Eventually I calmed down, and resolved not to let Zack's stupidity bother me for the rest of the night. We finally got him to leave, with more threats from Tony (merely his presence).
I spent the rest of the night sitting on M's lap, giving him sweet little pecs, as well as talking to my friend from work, Michael. Michael is gay, and probably the funniest person I have ever met. He was also an amazing person to be drunk with, because he got even funnier.
At one point, I don't remember when, I was standing up with my hoody pulled over my head. K was standing directly behind me, and I was talking to Michael. M came up to me, and all of a sudden all I wanted to do was kiss him. He slid his arm around my waist, and I cut off my conversation with Michael, turned to M and pulled my hood hover both of our heads, kissing him. He pulled back, a bit surprised.
"Are you doing this to make K jealous?" he asked.
"No. I am doing this because I want to kiss you more than anything right now" I said. I've never been more honest in my life. I just wanted to feel his hands on the small of my back, while I kissed him under my hoody.
We had what is probably the second most passionate kiss of my life (the first came later in the night), under the comfort of my hoody.
While we were kissing, Holly took the opportunity to rub it in K's face. I heard her walk up to K and ask "Who is that MAKING OUT over there?!?!" in a mock disgusted voice.
"It's M and Krista......" he replied, his voice dripping with jealousy.
M and I both heard it, and shared a brief giggle before resuming our makeout session.
"I'm outta here..." K said a few moments later.
And then he left. I couldn't have been happier.
I don't remember much of the rest of the night, although I do remember going into my tent with M, and having the most passionate kiss of my life in there. We had just finished having pretty great sex, and I turned to him and said "Kiss me."
He rolled onto his side, cupped my face in his hands, and kissed me so softly I thought I was going to die. It was that good. So I kissed him back, equally as soft. We kissed like that for what felt like half an hour. I don't know how long it was, but it was spectacular. It was just a really great, passionate, romantic kiss. It made me melt inside, and regret instantly my decision to go to England.
The following night we all went to see Pineapple Express in London. It was an hilarious movie! I highly recommend it to everyone! I wish I had spent more time with M though...so I invited him to come to Moxies for dinner with the Tills gang the next day, and he accepted.
The dinner was last night, and it went well. It was delicious, and was a great group outing. Afterwards, Holly, Matt, M and I decided to head back to my place to have a few bevy's. I opted out of drinking, since I had a workshop to attend and didn't want to be tired AND drunk. M, however, got very drunk. In his defence, he was only trying to make an awkward situation with Matt and Holly less awkward, by getting Matty really drunk....but he really only succeeded in making HIMSELF horribly drunk. It was absolutly adorable. He didn't want to stay inside, and insisted on going for a walk. So we went for a walk around the block. He could hardly walk a straight line, let alone even stand up straight, so I was holding his hand the entire time.
"I love that you're holding my hand," he said, "It feels so...natural."
I blushed, and giggled, unsure of how to respond. I was actually SO happy to hear him say that, because I felt the same way.
It started to rain at one point, and he insisted on taking off his shirt so that I could cover myself. It was adorably sweet, and I've never had anyone do that. We walked back to my house, him topless and me with his shirt on my head.
We went back inside, and sat on the couch for awhile. However, he got ansy about sitting in the hot house, and asked me to take him home. I agreed, so I drove him over to his place. However, once we got to his house, he made me pull over, and then took the keys out of the ignition.
"I just love spending time with you...come in for awhile!" he said.
"It's 12:30 at night, I am not comin in...your parents will think its all about hanky panky!" I said.
"Okay, fine. We'll hang out in your car!"
I laughed, and said that was fine, if that's what he wanted to do.
So we literally sat in my car, and talked for an hour. Him being drink was absolutly adorable, because he spoke whatever was on his mind.
He professed his anger at the fact that I was leaving in a few days, and that he was so glad that he got to know me.
"I don't usually hang out with girls every night...but I've seen you ever day since Thursday, and I don't even mind, and I wish I could have more..." he said.
I told him I felt the same way.
"I still can't believe I even have a chance with you. I had a crush on you the moment I met you...and I was so jealous of K. I kept thinkin 'Here's this girl with an AMAZING personality, and who is gorgeous to boot, and she's with K...a total asshole'. You have no idea how many times I wanted to punch him for the way he treated you!" he gushed.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing! I told him that I had had a crush on HIM since I met him, and that if he hadn't had a girlfriend when I first met him, I would have ditched my attempts at getting K, and would have focussed on him.
"WHAT?! Really!? I honestly didn't think I ever had a chance with you...it shocked me when you invited me out...." he said.
I assured him that he was, in fact, very attractive to me, and that I thought he was an amazingly nice guy.
"Yah well, you're the hottest girl to ever touch my weiner" he said.
I had a great laugh at this, and so did he.
Then he got serious, and told me that he hoped I had an amazing time in England, and that I deserved the best.
"You're going to go there, and you're going to get swept off your feet by some Prince or Lord or something, who's going to be rich, and drive an amazing car, and buy you amazing things...and he's going to love being with you, because you're just the sweetest, most amazing girl in the world, and you're absolutly beautiful to boot....and I can't even be mad, because you deserve it" he said.
It was honestly the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to me, and all I wanted to say to him was that I don't want to meet a Prince over there, and that if I could have anything in the world it would be to have HIM....but I couldn't. Instead I told him that I wouldn't have time to meet guys in England, and that I wouldn't be looking.
"I don't even have a right to care," he said. "I shouldn't care, I don't care..."
"Clearly you do, and that's alright sweetie," I replied. I put a hand on his leg, and tried to give him my most...my...the look. I can't even name it.
He just kind of looked down, blushing, so I knew it was true.
Then I told him, again, how amazing he was, and that if I wasn't going to England I would date him in a second.
"Yah, well...you're going," he said.
"Well I don't want to..."
We didn't say anything for a minute. I think if I had been drunk as well, I would have spilled my heart out to him. I would have told him that I wish I could stick it out with him, and tell him how amazing I think he is, and how much I beat myself up every day now that I realize...how I wish I wasn't going.
We chatted some more, going from lighthearted to serious. Finally, he realized what time it was, and started to get out of the car.
"Wait!" I said.
He turned to look at me.
"I want a kiss first," I said coyly.
He grinned and leaned in for a kiss.
I kissed him gently on the lips once, pulling away slightly.
"One more," I said quietly, and kissed him again.
"And another," I said after that.
"Give me a good one now..." as I leaned in for one more great kiss. It was just like the one in the tent. He put his hands on my face, and held me there for a good 5 minutes or so. It was so tender, I melted again.
Finally he pulled away.
"One more..." he said this time.
He pecked me on the lips, then opened the door and got out.
"Bye hun!" I said, and pulled away.
I drove home, cursing my life and my luck. I haven't been able to stop thinking about him for weeks....and this weekend made it particularily bad. It's going to be so hard for me to leave...Thursday night I plan to stay up as late as I can, and I hope that he stays up with me. Saying goodbye to him is going to be rough, because I don't want to.
But then again, do I want to say it to anyone? No.
Friday, August 15, 2008
On Suspicions Being Confirmed
So I hung out with M last night. Before you start jumping to conclusions, slow down. It wasn't a two-per date; Dane was there! Anyways, we went to Kelsey's and had some beers, while shooting the shit. It was cheap pitcher night, so there was quite a young crowd there; I knew most of the people in attendance. It was a pretty carefree, casual thing, with chit chatting and laughing. Holly and Matt stopped by briefly, to give me a parting gift and card. The card was so sweet, and I almost wanted to cry. Inside was some money, which went a long way in paying for all but 4 dollars of my new hair colour (THANK YOU MATT AND HOLLY! Love you guys! Mean it!). I'd be lying if I didn't say it took a bit of strength to hold in the tears! I managed it though, so all was well. They didn't stay long though, because they both had to work in the morning.
At one point during our stay at Kelsy's, M's phone rings. It's K's best bud, R. I guess M had invited him out for drinks, and he was just checking to see what the situation was. He must have asked who was in attendance thus far, because M listed off both Dane and I. A few minutes later he hung up, saying that R and some people were headed our way. Fine by me....
However, time passes, and an hour later they still hadn't shown up. We all were a bit miffed, but we didn't really think a lot of it. Since drinking at the restaurant can be pricey, we decided to go back to M's house and have some beers on his back patio. Once we get there, we find out from M's dad that R had stopped by looking for M, with a carload of people. This must have been just before the call. We pondered amongst ourselves why they never followed through on coming to the bar, when it suddenly dawned on me...it was highly likely that they didn't join us because I was in attendance. Chances are high that K was in the car with R, and at the mention of my presence, he likely balked at being in that awkward situation. Frankly, I am glad he didn't show up. It would have been very awkward indeed.
Anyways, I commented on my likely role in their inability to show up, which lead to a discussion of K and myself, and how the FUCK I ever ended up liking that ass-clown. I shook my head, and was at a loss of words. Then M dropped a bit of a bomb on me...
"So yah...last weekend at the bar, K came up to me and said that you made out with him outside. He wanted to 'warn' me..."
I stared at him, dumbfounded, for a moment.
"I KNEW he was going to do that, I KNEW it!" I said. "The moment I saw him when we came into the bar, I could tell he was pissed that I came with you...and I KNEW he would try to cause shit, just to see what he could get away with. I KNEW it...."
"So...you didn't?" M ventured tentatively. "I mean...I can't really care, I don't really care.....[I feel I must note that clearly he DID care somewhat...but anyways], but I definitely was like wtf when he told me...."
"Pfft...do you want the truth?! This is what happened....you know that first time we all went out for a smoke and he came out too? When you guys went back in, he held me back and asked me to kiss him. Then he basically made me kiss him on the lips...but it was not making out, and it was not something I willingly went for or took part in! HE tried to kiss ME...."
M shook his head, laughing.
"Honestly, I don't have any reason to lie to you...and that's the straight up truth," I said.
"Oh I believe you...that's like K, to do something like that," he replied.
"I can't believe he would go to you and say that...Well actually, I KNEW he was going to do something like that. I knew he'd try to put it on me...but the truth of the matter is he came on to me....and then after that I was so standoffish all night, because I just did not want ANY more drama...standoffish to you AND him, in case you didn't notice that..."
"I definitely noticed you get a little distant, but it makes sense now, "he said.
So we discussed the little white lie, and decided that K just wanted to cause trouble...what a little prick!
Then M told me that he had invited R and a bunch of people to come drinking with us that night, and that he had SPECIFICALLY requested that K not come, for the very reason of his knowing he'd cause shit. I feel I should mention now that NEITHER M nor myself has a problem with K. We just have a problem with the way he treats people, specifically girls, and more specifically me. It's just retarded. I don't understand what he hoped to gain by going to M and telling him that I'd "made out" with him outside...under M's very nose. It's not as if M and I are seriously dating, or anything of the sort. K knows as well as anyone else that I am England-bound in a week (two weeks at the time of the incident). Why he felt the need to cause shit is beyond me. I'm just going to chalk it up to his immaturity, and the fact that deep down he doesn't want anyone else to have me, in any capacity.
Anyways, we really only discussed the situation for about 20 minutes, and then it was off the table for the rest of the night. Dane left at around 11:30, so M and I just kinda sat around and shot the shit, while having a few more bevy's. It was a pretty solid night. Then he walked me home, and that's the end of that.
I still feel like an ass for trying to date K all those months ago...what a stupid waste of time THAT was...I would have been better served to pursue M. Ah well, perhaps it's best that I didn't, because if we had have dated, it would have made leaving that much harder. As it stands, leaving is going to be hard enough, but it won't be heart-wrenching; at least not romantically. Though it is unfortunate that I "meet" a genuine nice guy on the eve of my departure, that's life for ya.
Always a son-of-a-bitch.
Cheers.
At one point during our stay at Kelsy's, M's phone rings. It's K's best bud, R. I guess M had invited him out for drinks, and he was just checking to see what the situation was. He must have asked who was in attendance thus far, because M listed off both Dane and I. A few minutes later he hung up, saying that R and some people were headed our way. Fine by me....
However, time passes, and an hour later they still hadn't shown up. We all were a bit miffed, but we didn't really think a lot of it. Since drinking at the restaurant can be pricey, we decided to go back to M's house and have some beers on his back patio. Once we get there, we find out from M's dad that R had stopped by looking for M, with a carload of people. This must have been just before the call. We pondered amongst ourselves why they never followed through on coming to the bar, when it suddenly dawned on me...it was highly likely that they didn't join us because I was in attendance. Chances are high that K was in the car with R, and at the mention of my presence, he likely balked at being in that awkward situation. Frankly, I am glad he didn't show up. It would have been very awkward indeed.
Anyways, I commented on my likely role in their inability to show up, which lead to a discussion of K and myself, and how the FUCK I ever ended up liking that ass-clown. I shook my head, and was at a loss of words. Then M dropped a bit of a bomb on me...
"So yah...last weekend at the bar, K came up to me and said that you made out with him outside. He wanted to 'warn' me..."
I stared at him, dumbfounded, for a moment.
"I KNEW he was going to do that, I KNEW it!" I said. "The moment I saw him when we came into the bar, I could tell he was pissed that I came with you...and I KNEW he would try to cause shit, just to see what he could get away with. I KNEW it...."
"So...you didn't?" M ventured tentatively. "I mean...I can't really care, I don't really care.....[I feel I must note that clearly he DID care somewhat...but anyways], but I definitely was like wtf when he told me...."
"Pfft...do you want the truth?! This is what happened....you know that first time we all went out for a smoke and he came out too? When you guys went back in, he held me back and asked me to kiss him. Then he basically made me kiss him on the lips...but it was not making out, and it was not something I willingly went for or took part in! HE tried to kiss ME...."
M shook his head, laughing.
"Honestly, I don't have any reason to lie to you...and that's the straight up truth," I said.
"Oh I believe you...that's like K, to do something like that," he replied.
"I can't believe he would go to you and say that...Well actually, I KNEW he was going to do something like that. I knew he'd try to put it on me...but the truth of the matter is he came on to me....and then after that I was so standoffish all night, because I just did not want ANY more drama...standoffish to you AND him, in case you didn't notice that..."
"I definitely noticed you get a little distant, but it makes sense now, "he said.
So we discussed the little white lie, and decided that K just wanted to cause trouble...what a little prick!
Then M told me that he had invited R and a bunch of people to come drinking with us that night, and that he had SPECIFICALLY requested that K not come, for the very reason of his knowing he'd cause shit. I feel I should mention now that NEITHER M nor myself has a problem with K. We just have a problem with the way he treats people, specifically girls, and more specifically me. It's just retarded. I don't understand what he hoped to gain by going to M and telling him that I'd "made out" with him outside...under M's very nose. It's not as if M and I are seriously dating, or anything of the sort. K knows as well as anyone else that I am England-bound in a week (two weeks at the time of the incident). Why he felt the need to cause shit is beyond me. I'm just going to chalk it up to his immaturity, and the fact that deep down he doesn't want anyone else to have me, in any capacity.
Anyways, we really only discussed the situation for about 20 minutes, and then it was off the table for the rest of the night. Dane left at around 11:30, so M and I just kinda sat around and shot the shit, while having a few more bevy's. It was a pretty solid night. Then he walked me home, and that's the end of that.
I still feel like an ass for trying to date K all those months ago...what a stupid waste of time THAT was...I would have been better served to pursue M. Ah well, perhaps it's best that I didn't, because if we had have dated, it would have made leaving that much harder. As it stands, leaving is going to be hard enough, but it won't be heart-wrenching; at least not romantically. Though it is unfortunate that I "meet" a genuine nice guy on the eve of my departure, that's life for ya.
Always a son-of-a-bitch.
Cheers.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
On The Finishing Touches
Yesterday I recieved my Great Britain Pounds, and I must admit they are nothing like I had imagined. They are so FAT! I mean, they are considerably bigger and wider than Canadian money. They are colourful, more colourful than American money, but not nearly as colourful as Canadian money. They also have pretty much all the same security features we have. I just can't get over the fatness of the bills! I tried to fit them into my wallet, and they simply would not fit! That is to say, they fit to a certain extent, but they folded over slightly at the tops...too wide! Makes me wonder if they make wallets bigger in England? I will definitely have to investigate that once I arrive.
I'm starting to get slightly nervous now, about the housing arrangement, or lack thereof. I have some appointments lined up, but I'm still afraid none of those will fall through. However, I keep reminding myself that once I get there it will be very easy to find a place; I will just look in the local newspapers, or perhaps wander around Swavesey or St. Ives, looking for "For Rent" signs. Or would they have "For Let" signs?! They do call renting "letting", after all. I just have to keep thinking positively, and hope that finding a decent, not overly expensive place to live won't be too hard. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
I worked one of my last shifts at Sobeys today. It made me want to kill myself, because this old bitch who has it out for me made me go get carts. If you've never worked in a grocery store, you don't know what a hassle it is to get carts. I don't think there is any time of the year that would be decent for getting carts. In the winter it'd be cold and snowy (and therefore hard to manouver), and in the summer its hot and sweaty. I came in fourty-five minutes later sweatingly like a man, and likely smelling like one too. I scowled at the old bat, as I wiped the sweat off my forehead. I was waiting for her to make some snarky comment about my red cheeks and damp body, but she just ignored me. It's probably for the better, since any comment from her would have recieved an even colder response from myself.
Anyways...at this point I've not nothing new to report, so I am going to call it quits now.
Cheers!
I'm starting to get slightly nervous now, about the housing arrangement, or lack thereof. I have some appointments lined up, but I'm still afraid none of those will fall through. However, I keep reminding myself that once I get there it will be very easy to find a place; I will just look in the local newspapers, or perhaps wander around Swavesey or St. Ives, looking for "For Rent" signs. Or would they have "For Let" signs?! They do call renting "letting", after all. I just have to keep thinking positively, and hope that finding a decent, not overly expensive place to live won't be too hard. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
I worked one of my last shifts at Sobeys today. It made me want to kill myself, because this old bitch who has it out for me made me go get carts. If you've never worked in a grocery store, you don't know what a hassle it is to get carts. I don't think there is any time of the year that would be decent for getting carts. In the winter it'd be cold and snowy (and therefore hard to manouver), and in the summer its hot and sweaty. I came in fourty-five minutes later sweatingly like a man, and likely smelling like one too. I scowled at the old bat, as I wiped the sweat off my forehead. I was waiting for her to make some snarky comment about my red cheeks and damp body, but she just ignored me. It's probably for the better, since any comment from her would have recieved an even colder response from myself.
Anyways...at this point I've not nothing new to report, so I am going to call it quits now.
Cheers!
Monday, August 11, 2008
On Awkward MSN Conversations
Instead of commenting on the MSN conversation I am CURRENTLY having, I thought I would simply put it here, for your entertainment. You should be able to pick up on the characters involved, and the topic, quite fast. Enjoy.
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (9:44 PM):
i mean whats that about? why aren't you coming anymore
Josh says (9:44 PM):
Last time we talked I told you that if you want me to make an appearance before you go to get in touch with me, you havent done that
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (9:46 PM):
? why should i have to ask you to come, when i ALREADY asked you to come
Josh says (9:50 PM):
i dunno, things change i suppose
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (9:50 PM):
okay well whatever, do what ya gotta do
Josh says (9:50 PM):
why would you even want me to come anyway?
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (9:50 PM):
cuz I want all my friends to come? I dunno!
Josh says (9:52 PM):
Well I dont know
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (9:52 PM):
alright, well don't come I guess. I'm just sayin you dont have to feel like you're not welcome, everyone's welcome.
Josh says (9:57 PM):
im just not too amped to watch you fuck whats his face (or someone else).
Im the loser so yeah im a little weird about hanging out.
And I dont give a shit if you and everyone else want to make fun of me and whatnot about it. Random sex isnt really my thing...I guess that makes me a bad person in everyone eyes.
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (9:58 PM):
How could you possibly be around to see me "fuck" someone?! Thats a bit much! I don't get why you're so awkward about it, just be chill!!
Josh says (10:02 PM):
You know what I mean
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:04 PM):
what, being flirty? I'm just a flirty person in general....that's how I am. And I'll likely be flirting with a bunch of people on Saturday, so if it bugs you to see me flirt with a bunch of different guys, then I guess you probs shouldnt come. Flirting doesnt mean i'm going to fuck everyone either...... Its flirting.
Josh says (10:04 PM):
lol.....ya
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:06 PM):
Suck it up! It's going to be a fun night
Josh says (10:06 PM):
I dont want to have fun. lol
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:06 PM):
okay? thats fucked
Josh says (10:07 PM):
k
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:07 PM):
You're being retarded
Josh says (10:07 PM):
Why?
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:08 PM):
Because, you're not comin cuz you...what? are wallowing in self pity? Grow up!
Josh says (10:09 PM):
lol are you fucking serious?
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:10 PM):
Yah
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:10 PM):
I am
Josh says (10:12 PM):
Wow, I have been doing many things latley but wallowing in slef pitty is not one of them. Sure, I was down for a couple of days but ten I realized what a waste of my time it was actually giving a shit.
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:12 PM):
Right, so what's with all the attitude tonight then, bout not comin? FUcking gay
Josh says (10:13 PM):
Because im just flat out not sure if I want to.
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:14 PM):
well then don't come, I don't want anyone there who's gonna sulk in any capacity
Josh says (10:15 PM):
dont use the word sulk
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:16 PM):
yah well, that's what you did the last time you were at my house
Josh says (10:17 PM):
Because I was not aware that you were going to be fucking someone.
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:18 PM):
i didnt fuck anyone, thanks
Josh says (10:18 PM):
well no not the Friday
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:18 PM):
Nope
Josh says (10:20 PM):
But a little heads up would have been the least you could have done. Im glad I was the last to know.
I realize that you are leaving and dont have to give a shit or take any responsibilty blah blah blah. But doing the decent thing usually is for the best.
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:21 PM):
The decent thing? I don't have to run my decisions by anyone, least of all you. Also, I didn't know Trevor was comin that night, Matt invited him as we were all sitting on the front porch waitin for people to come
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:21 PM):
not sure how I was supposed to "warn" you.....considering I had no idea. Not that I would warn you, or anyone else, about my business.
Josh says (10:22 PM):
I know you wouldnt.
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:22 PM):
That makes no sense. NO one does that
Josh says (10:23 PM):
No why would you.....why would people feelings matter?
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:25 PM):
How would a warning like that go? I pull you aside at the party and say "oh hey, josh...fyi, I'm going to bang trevor, you're out. hope thats okay".
Maybe if we had like dated for years and years, and you showed up at a party where I was with my new man...I MIGHT in that situation pull you aside and say "hey hope it doesnt bug you,but im here with my new man".
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:25 PM):
But.....well, I hate to break it to you...but it was one night....and I really fail to see how that constitutes me having to tell you anything like that. Its not like we were ever in a serious thing....how could I be, I'm leaving?!
Josh says (10:29 PM):
you didnt HAVE to tell me. But it would have been nice.
How did you expect me to react being the last to know?
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:29 PM):
being the last to know about what!??!?!?
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:29 PM):
ts not like I'm dating anyone now
Josh says (10:32 PM):
That it was just a one night stand.
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:33 PM):
I thought that was rather obvious
Josh says (10:33 PM):
lol how?
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:34 PM):
?!?!? Normally if you want to date someone you have solo time
Josh says (10:35 PM):
Yeah it was my mistake for even trying to bother
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:36 PM):
Well I don't really get it, how'd that have worked anyways? I'm leaving for England. Its not like I ever hid that.
Josh says (10:37 PM):
I know that. But like I said before I was hoping that we would more or less date until you left, that would have been fine with me. Would have made for a great summer.
But like you said last time we talked, even if you werent leaving you wouldnt want to date me.
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:39 PM):
That doesnt make any sense, why would I want to date ANYONE before I left?! It seems stupid...it'd just make leaving that much harder. But yah...I wouldnt have dated you regardless of staying or going...or anyone else for that matter.
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:40 PM):
At least no one from around here
Josh says (10:40 PM):
What does around here have to do with anything?
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:42 PM):
Because no one in this town appeals to me on a long term basis. I know everyone, and they're all douches
Josh says (10:42 PM):
lol im not sure if thats exactly true.
You cant judge people based on where they happen to live.
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:43 PM):
I know everyone here....and if I don't know them they're 20, and I've dabbled in the twenty year olds enough
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:44 PM):
I'd only date someone who had the same ambitions as me, as good a job as me....and there isnt anyone in this town that fits that bill
Josh says (10:44 PM):
Do you mean a good job or lots of money?
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:44 PM):
I mean a good job. A job on par with mine
Josh says (10:45 PM):
Im not exactly sure what you mean by that.
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:45 PM):
a good job! I decent job! Whats not to get?
Josh says (10:46 PM):
I suppose im asking you what your definition of a good job is.
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:46 PM):
40,000 plus, stability, that sort of thing.
Josh says (10:47 PM):
lol then date Nick, he has a GREAT job. Just ask him
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:47 PM):
Where's the stability
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:47 PM):
he's on contract
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:47 PM):
and we all know the auto sector is hurting
Josh says (10:48 PM):
I was being sarcastic, he hates it.
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:48 PM):
i couldn't date nick anyways, I dont see him that way at all
Josh says (10:52 PM):
oh ok.
Josh says (10:53 PM):
I always assumed that you wanted to teach to help people etc.
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:58 PM):
?
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:58 PM):
I dont teach for the money if that's what you're implying?? I teach because it's what Ive always wanted to do, and because I'm great at it
Josh says (10:59 PM):
Thats good, but I was starting to wonder with all your good job=money talk
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (11:00 PM):
Yah well that's part of what Im talking about...ambition. Doing what you want to do
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (11:00 PM):
i doubt highly that working in a factory is someones dream job
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (9:44 PM):
i mean whats that about? why aren't you coming anymore
Josh says (9:44 PM):
Last time we talked I told you that if you want me to make an appearance before you go to get in touch with me, you havent done that
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (9:46 PM):
? why should i have to ask you to come, when i ALREADY asked you to come
Josh says (9:50 PM):
i dunno, things change i suppose
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (9:50 PM):
okay well whatever, do what ya gotta do
Josh says (9:50 PM):
why would you even want me to come anyway?
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (9:50 PM):
cuz I want all my friends to come? I dunno!
Josh says (9:52 PM):
Well I dont know
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (9:52 PM):
alright, well don't come I guess. I'm just sayin you dont have to feel like you're not welcome, everyone's welcome.
Josh says (9:57 PM):
im just not too amped to watch you fuck whats his face (or someone else).
Im the loser so yeah im a little weird about hanging out.
And I dont give a shit if you and everyone else want to make fun of me and whatnot about it. Random sex isnt really my thing...I guess that makes me a bad person in everyone eyes.
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (9:58 PM):
How could you possibly be around to see me "fuck" someone?! Thats a bit much! I don't get why you're so awkward about it, just be chill!!
Josh says (10:02 PM):
You know what I mean
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:04 PM):
what, being flirty? I'm just a flirty person in general....that's how I am. And I'll likely be flirting with a bunch of people on Saturday, so if it bugs you to see me flirt with a bunch of different guys, then I guess you probs shouldnt come. Flirting doesnt mean i'm going to fuck everyone either...... Its flirting.
Josh says (10:04 PM):
lol.....ya
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:06 PM):
Suck it up! It's going to be a fun night
Josh says (10:06 PM):
I dont want to have fun. lol
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:06 PM):
okay? thats fucked
Josh says (10:07 PM):
k
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:07 PM):
You're being retarded
Josh says (10:07 PM):
Why?
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:08 PM):
Because, you're not comin cuz you...what? are wallowing in self pity? Grow up!
Josh says (10:09 PM):
lol are you fucking serious?
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:10 PM):
Yah
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:10 PM):
I am
Josh says (10:12 PM):
Wow, I have been doing many things latley but wallowing in slef pitty is not one of them. Sure, I was down for a couple of days but ten I realized what a waste of my time it was actually giving a shit.
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:12 PM):
Right, so what's with all the attitude tonight then, bout not comin? FUcking gay
Josh says (10:13 PM):
Because im just flat out not sure if I want to.
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:14 PM):
well then don't come, I don't want anyone there who's gonna sulk in any capacity
Josh says (10:15 PM):
dont use the word sulk
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:16 PM):
yah well, that's what you did the last time you were at my house
Josh says (10:17 PM):
Because I was not aware that you were going to be fucking someone.
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:18 PM):
i didnt fuck anyone, thanks
Josh says (10:18 PM):
well no not the Friday
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:18 PM):
Nope
Josh says (10:20 PM):
But a little heads up would have been the least you could have done. Im glad I was the last to know.
I realize that you are leaving and dont have to give a shit or take any responsibilty blah blah blah. But doing the decent thing usually is for the best.
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:21 PM):
The decent thing? I don't have to run my decisions by anyone, least of all you. Also, I didn't know Trevor was comin that night, Matt invited him as we were all sitting on the front porch waitin for people to come
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:21 PM):
not sure how I was supposed to "warn" you.....considering I had no idea. Not that I would warn you, or anyone else, about my business.
Josh says (10:22 PM):
I know you wouldnt.
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:22 PM):
That makes no sense. NO one does that
Josh says (10:23 PM):
No why would you.....why would people feelings matter?
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:25 PM):
How would a warning like that go? I pull you aside at the party and say "oh hey, josh...fyi, I'm going to bang trevor, you're out. hope thats okay".
Maybe if we had like dated for years and years, and you showed up at a party where I was with my new man...I MIGHT in that situation pull you aside and say "hey hope it doesnt bug you,but im here with my new man".
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:25 PM):
But.....well, I hate to break it to you...but it was one night....and I really fail to see how that constitutes me having to tell you anything like that. Its not like we were ever in a serious thing....how could I be, I'm leaving?!
Josh says (10:29 PM):
you didnt HAVE to tell me. But it would have been nice.
How did you expect me to react being the last to know?
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:29 PM):
being the last to know about what!??!?!?
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:29 PM):
ts not like I'm dating anyone now
Josh says (10:32 PM):
That it was just a one night stand.
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:33 PM):
I thought that was rather obvious
Josh says (10:33 PM):
lol how?
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:34 PM):
?!?!? Normally if you want to date someone you have solo time
Josh says (10:35 PM):
Yeah it was my mistake for even trying to bother
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:36 PM):
Well I don't really get it, how'd that have worked anyways? I'm leaving for England. Its not like I ever hid that.
Josh says (10:37 PM):
I know that. But like I said before I was hoping that we would more or less date until you left, that would have been fine with me. Would have made for a great summer.
But like you said last time we talked, even if you werent leaving you wouldnt want to date me.
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:39 PM):
That doesnt make any sense, why would I want to date ANYONE before I left?! It seems stupid...it'd just make leaving that much harder. But yah...I wouldnt have dated you regardless of staying or going...or anyone else for that matter.
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:40 PM):
At least no one from around here
Josh says (10:40 PM):
What does around here have to do with anything?
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:42 PM):
Because no one in this town appeals to me on a long term basis. I know everyone, and they're all douches
Josh says (10:42 PM):
lol im not sure if thats exactly true.
You cant judge people based on where they happen to live.
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:43 PM):
I know everyone here....and if I don't know them they're 20, and I've dabbled in the twenty year olds enough
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:44 PM):
I'd only date someone who had the same ambitions as me, as good a job as me....and there isnt anyone in this town that fits that bill
Josh says (10:44 PM):
Do you mean a good job or lots of money?
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:44 PM):
I mean a good job. A job on par with mine
Josh says (10:45 PM):
Im not exactly sure what you mean by that.
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:45 PM):
a good job! I decent job! Whats not to get?
Josh says (10:46 PM):
I suppose im asking you what your definition of a good job is.
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:46 PM):
40,000 plus, stability, that sort of thing.
Josh says (10:47 PM):
lol then date Nick, he has a GREAT job. Just ask him
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:47 PM):
Where's the stability
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:47 PM):
he's on contract
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:47 PM):
and we all know the auto sector is hurting
Josh says (10:48 PM):
I was being sarcastic, he hates it.
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:48 PM):
i couldn't date nick anyways, I dont see him that way at all
Josh says (10:52 PM):
oh ok.
Josh says (10:53 PM):
I always assumed that you wanted to teach to help people etc.
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:58 PM):
?
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (10:58 PM):
I dont teach for the money if that's what you're implying?? I teach because it's what Ive always wanted to do, and because I'm great at it
Josh says (10:59 PM):
Thats good, but I was starting to wonder with all your good job=money talk
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (11:00 PM):
Yah well that's part of what Im talking about...ambition. Doing what you want to do
Krista (12) || Bonafide hustler, makin my name... says (11:00 PM):
i doubt highly that working in a factory is someones dream job
On Drama For Your Mama
So lately I've been inviting M to hang out with the Tills gang. It's been going well, just having a fun time. Saturday, Matty had a party, and we all invited M to come along. Unfortunatly it piss poured, so instead of enjoying some bevy's on Matts gorgeous patio, we ended up hunkering down in the basement, and played Kings. I wasn't too keen on drinking, so I must admit that I faked most of my sips. As everyone else started to get drunk, they really failed to notice I was cheating, which was fine by me.
At around 11:30, we went downtown. First we went to the Mug, and then headed over to the Royal. I walked in with Christine's man Paul and M. I was hoping and praying that K wouldn't be there, but my praryers went unhedded, and I immediatly saw K playing pool with his buddies. M and Paul, being good friends with that crowd, stopped to greet everyone. The girls came up to me, to chat. Britt, the one that I thought hated me, came up, hugged me, and said "Krista! I haven't seen you in forever!". Then she paused, before adding "You WOULD come in with M!"
She tried to laugh it off, but I was instantly cautious of what she had said.
"I came with Paul too..." I said, my voice dripping with anger.
She tried to laugh it off, but I think my disapproval of her comment was visible, because she quickly escaped. I turned to my right, and chatted up one of the boys half heartedly, as I tried to work out what she had meant.
Meanwhile, K was avoiding eye contact with me, which was extrememly awkward. I decided to sit down, so I found a booth and had a seat. M and Paul came and joined me. After awhile, K walked by and M got his attention with a wave. K came and sat with us, winking at me. As he chatted with M, his hand reached under the table to grab my leg. I was shocked, unsure of what to make of it. K quickly excused himself to return to his pool game,and winked at me when he left. Frustrated, I went out for a smoke (something I rarely do, but I wanted an excuse to go outside alone).
I wasn't even out there for a minute, when K followed me. He too lit a smoke, and started chatting me up; asking when I was leaving, and that sort of thing. Then he asked me why I hadn't talked to him the past few weeks. I asked him the same question back, and he replied that he thought I hated him. I assured him that I didn't, and he said the same. Things seemed to be all right. Then he started to get a bit handsy, which put me in an awkward postion. M, Paul, and Sheena came out for a smoke, and we all stood in an awkward circle. I wasn't sure what to do. K got even more bold and flirty, in M's presence, and I realized what he was trying to do. As the others left, K held me back, and asked me to kiss him. I tried to laugh it off, but he pulled my sweater, causing me to lean into him, and kissed me on the lips.
I was shocked, and terribly confused. All my past feelings for him came flooding back in an instant. I still find him ridiculously attractive, so it wasn't easy for me to resist him. A part of me really wanted to take him back and ravish him. Another part of me wanted to hurl. It was so conflicting. I walked back into the bar, with K trailing after me. I tried to ignore him though, and eventually he left me to my own devices.
After stewing in my emotions for about half an hour, I decided to leave. I grabbed Paul, Sheena and M, and we made the trek back to my place. For the record, nothing happend with M and I that night, as he passed out on the couch.
I did,however drunkenly text K as I was laying in bed.
"You better come to my party! It's going to be hella good times!" I said.
"I will. Me and you should hook up one last time before you leave" he replied.
"That could be arranged..." I sent back.
In the morning, I regretted that last text....it was mostly the result of conflicting emotions within myself. However, I talked to Paul about it, and he really made me realize that K is an asshole who only wants what he can't have...and for the limited amount of time I have left, M is the best choice. He's a much nicer guy, all around.
I will try my hardest to resist K this weekend, should he show up and try to follow through.
Wish me luck!
At around 11:30, we went downtown. First we went to the Mug, and then headed over to the Royal. I walked in with Christine's man Paul and M. I was hoping and praying that K wouldn't be there, but my praryers went unhedded, and I immediatly saw K playing pool with his buddies. M and Paul, being good friends with that crowd, stopped to greet everyone. The girls came up to me, to chat. Britt, the one that I thought hated me, came up, hugged me, and said "Krista! I haven't seen you in forever!". Then she paused, before adding "You WOULD come in with M!"
She tried to laugh it off, but I was instantly cautious of what she had said.
"I came with Paul too..." I said, my voice dripping with anger.
She tried to laugh it off, but I think my disapproval of her comment was visible, because she quickly escaped. I turned to my right, and chatted up one of the boys half heartedly, as I tried to work out what she had meant.
Meanwhile, K was avoiding eye contact with me, which was extrememly awkward. I decided to sit down, so I found a booth and had a seat. M and Paul came and joined me. After awhile, K walked by and M got his attention with a wave. K came and sat with us, winking at me. As he chatted with M, his hand reached under the table to grab my leg. I was shocked, unsure of what to make of it. K quickly excused himself to return to his pool game,and winked at me when he left. Frustrated, I went out for a smoke (something I rarely do, but I wanted an excuse to go outside alone).
I wasn't even out there for a minute, when K followed me. He too lit a smoke, and started chatting me up; asking when I was leaving, and that sort of thing. Then he asked me why I hadn't talked to him the past few weeks. I asked him the same question back, and he replied that he thought I hated him. I assured him that I didn't, and he said the same. Things seemed to be all right. Then he started to get a bit handsy, which put me in an awkward postion. M, Paul, and Sheena came out for a smoke, and we all stood in an awkward circle. I wasn't sure what to do. K got even more bold and flirty, in M's presence, and I realized what he was trying to do. As the others left, K held me back, and asked me to kiss him. I tried to laugh it off, but he pulled my sweater, causing me to lean into him, and kissed me on the lips.
I was shocked, and terribly confused. All my past feelings for him came flooding back in an instant. I still find him ridiculously attractive, so it wasn't easy for me to resist him. A part of me really wanted to take him back and ravish him. Another part of me wanted to hurl. It was so conflicting. I walked back into the bar, with K trailing after me. I tried to ignore him though, and eventually he left me to my own devices.
After stewing in my emotions for about half an hour, I decided to leave. I grabbed Paul, Sheena and M, and we made the trek back to my place. For the record, nothing happend with M and I that night, as he passed out on the couch.
I did,however drunkenly text K as I was laying in bed.
"You better come to my party! It's going to be hella good times!" I said.
"I will. Me and you should hook up one last time before you leave" he replied.
"That could be arranged..." I sent back.
In the morning, I regretted that last text....it was mostly the result of conflicting emotions within myself. However, I talked to Paul about it, and he really made me realize that K is an asshole who only wants what he can't have...and for the limited amount of time I have left, M is the best choice. He's a much nicer guy, all around.
I will try my hardest to resist K this weekend, should he show up and try to follow through.
Wish me luck!
Monday, August 4, 2008
On Man Drama
So this weekend was the August Long Weekend, though it wasn't very long for me. It was, however, quite fun.
Friday night my parents were still off camping, so my sister and I took advantage by hosting a shindig. We invited as many people as we could, and a good number actually did show up. Before the party really started to happen, it was just the "gang" of Sheena, Holly, Matt and I. We were all joking around, and I mentioned that I would have to hit on someone in front of Josh, if I had any hopes of crushing him enough to make him stop liking me. Holly mentioned that I should hit on one of K's friends, M, because she knew I had always had a little bit of a crush on him. Matty jumped in, saying that he thought it was an excellent idea, and he would text M to see if he was doing anything. At first I was against the idea, but slowly it started to gain on me. Why not invite M, get a little shameless flirting in with a very cute guy?! So I gave Matty the go ahead. We all got to talking, and didn't hear back right away. The mosquito's started to get annoying at this point, and seeing that we didn't have any Power Pads left, I volunteered to walk to Shoppers to pick some up, so that we wouldn't get eaten alive. When I returned, I noticed that M's car was in the driveway. I mentally thanked Matt, and walked into the house.
There he was, sitting on a stool! I smiled at him, and asked him if he wanted a beer. At first he refused, saying he couldn't stay long, since he had to work in the morning. After a few gentle verbal prods, however, he changed his mind, and I fetched him a beer from the basement. After that, the party really started to pick up, and I started to get tipsy, and hence bolder. My flirting got dangerously out of control, and I started to focus in on M like he was the only one at the party. At around 10:30, Nick and Josh showed up. I gave Nick a hug, as is our custom, but didn't pay any attention to Josh. I continued to rain flirtations down on M. I could tell that Josh was getting ticked off, but this is exactly what I had wanted. The kid needed to get a dose of reality; I was not, and never would be, interested in him. Whatever happened between us was a fluke occurrence, and not something I wanted to pursue.
At one point, Sheena took me aside and told me that Josh was outside flipping out, throwing around beer bottles and cursing about how I was "flirting" with Matt's buddy. At one point he stalked me into the bathroom, and tried to confront me as I left. However, I spun past him, merely saying "He's just a friend, get over it". What I should have said was "You're just a friend, get over it". Anyways, everyone else wanted to go downtown, but Matt, Holly, Ethan, M and I decided downtown wasn't for us. So we all stuck around at my house, drinking, chatting, and flirting. At around one, M got up to leave, and I walked him to the door. Nothing happened, and he took off. I was slightly bummed, but meh, what can you do!
The following day, I get MORE MSN messages from Josh, where he again poured his heart out to me. He said he was hurt at seeing me flirt so shamelessly with another guy. Then he again asked me what I felt towards him. At this point, it was starting to get very grating to me. His constant whining and bitching was making me not want to spend ANY time around him, in any fashion. I decided at that moment to avoid being around him, at all costs. If he was going to be at a party somewhere, I would make sure not to attend. Thank god I only have a few weeks left here, and that won't be hard. Anyways, after him incessantly asking me what I thought about him and about "us" I had to stop being nice, and start being nasty. I told him in no uncertain terms that I was never interested in dating him, and that even if I wasn't leavin for England I would never date him. I told him I was not interested in him beyond a friend AT ALL, and that with his present actions even THAT was questionable. I also, rather bluntly, told him that he had been in the right place at the right time, and that whatever had happened had meant nothing to me. I know I made him cry again, though he didn't admit it this time, but I don't really care. I can't help but think of him as a total loser now. He annoys me to no end, and is one of those creepy whiny guys you hear about, but never want to meet. He's a crybaby loser, and isn't near good enough for me. Thank god I can wash my hands of him now. YUCK. The whole thing sends shivers down my spine. That's one number I will not count as real on my counter, because it's just too damn embarrassing.
Anyways.....The next day, while I was at work, I get a text message from Holly. I call her back on my break, only to find out that someone from my party told M's ex-girlfriend that he had been at my party, and the stories were escalating to the point where it was being said we had had sex upstairs while everyone was at the party. SO DID NOT HAPPEN! Anyways, I had invited M to come to a party Saturday night with me, and was afraid that this garbage was going to prevent him from coming. However, Holly said Matt was working on him, so I was content with that.
I got done work at 10, and drove out to the party. When I got there, I saw my tent was set up, which was a good thing. Also, M was there! He had brought two friends with him, which was just peachy keen! At first, he was pulling another nancy, and was intent on not stayin over for the night. He said, again, that he had to work in the morning, and besides he "had nowhere to crash". I scoffed at this, and told him he could share my tent with me.
"I won't even try to do anything...honest. Although, if it's already being said...."
He laughed, and then agreed to stay.
At that point, the drinking began in earnest.
It ended up being a really fun night! I got drunker than I have been in awhile. Once everyone started to peter out, I grabbed his hand and lead him to my tent. The rest, as they say, is history. Needless to say, the rumours (at least part of them) came true Saturday night.
Anyways, he's a much nicer guy than K ever was. It kind of sucks that a) I didn't put the effort into HIM first, instead of K and b) that I am leaving for England. I always meet the nice boys at the wrong time. It was kind of funny though, because he drunkenly told me that he never understood why I was with K, since he's "a bit of a douchebag, especially to girls" and that he "didn't treat me nearly as good as I deserved to be treated". As he got drunker, he even ventured so far as to say that he wished he could beat the crap out of K for me, for treating me like trash. It was rather adorable, and I had a nice little smug giggle about it. What a nice boy!
Alright, well that's it for now!
Cheers!
Friday night my parents were still off camping, so my sister and I took advantage by hosting a shindig. We invited as many people as we could, and a good number actually did show up. Before the party really started to happen, it was just the "gang" of Sheena, Holly, Matt and I. We were all joking around, and I mentioned that I would have to hit on someone in front of Josh, if I had any hopes of crushing him enough to make him stop liking me. Holly mentioned that I should hit on one of K's friends, M, because she knew I had always had a little bit of a crush on him. Matty jumped in, saying that he thought it was an excellent idea, and he would text M to see if he was doing anything. At first I was against the idea, but slowly it started to gain on me. Why not invite M, get a little shameless flirting in with a very cute guy?! So I gave Matty the go ahead. We all got to talking, and didn't hear back right away. The mosquito's started to get annoying at this point, and seeing that we didn't have any Power Pads left, I volunteered to walk to Shoppers to pick some up, so that we wouldn't get eaten alive. When I returned, I noticed that M's car was in the driveway. I mentally thanked Matt, and walked into the house.
There he was, sitting on a stool! I smiled at him, and asked him if he wanted a beer. At first he refused, saying he couldn't stay long, since he had to work in the morning. After a few gentle verbal prods, however, he changed his mind, and I fetched him a beer from the basement. After that, the party really started to pick up, and I started to get tipsy, and hence bolder. My flirting got dangerously out of control, and I started to focus in on M like he was the only one at the party. At around 10:30, Nick and Josh showed up. I gave Nick a hug, as is our custom, but didn't pay any attention to Josh. I continued to rain flirtations down on M. I could tell that Josh was getting ticked off, but this is exactly what I had wanted. The kid needed to get a dose of reality; I was not, and never would be, interested in him. Whatever happened between us was a fluke occurrence, and not something I wanted to pursue.
At one point, Sheena took me aside and told me that Josh was outside flipping out, throwing around beer bottles and cursing about how I was "flirting" with Matt's buddy. At one point he stalked me into the bathroom, and tried to confront me as I left. However, I spun past him, merely saying "He's just a friend, get over it". What I should have said was "You're just a friend, get over it". Anyways, everyone else wanted to go downtown, but Matt, Holly, Ethan, M and I decided downtown wasn't for us. So we all stuck around at my house, drinking, chatting, and flirting. At around one, M got up to leave, and I walked him to the door. Nothing happened, and he took off. I was slightly bummed, but meh, what can you do!
The following day, I get MORE MSN messages from Josh, where he again poured his heart out to me. He said he was hurt at seeing me flirt so shamelessly with another guy. Then he again asked me what I felt towards him. At this point, it was starting to get very grating to me. His constant whining and bitching was making me not want to spend ANY time around him, in any fashion. I decided at that moment to avoid being around him, at all costs. If he was going to be at a party somewhere, I would make sure not to attend. Thank god I only have a few weeks left here, and that won't be hard. Anyways, after him incessantly asking me what I thought about him and about "us" I had to stop being nice, and start being nasty. I told him in no uncertain terms that I was never interested in dating him, and that even if I wasn't leavin for England I would never date him. I told him I was not interested in him beyond a friend AT ALL, and that with his present actions even THAT was questionable. I also, rather bluntly, told him that he had been in the right place at the right time, and that whatever had happened had meant nothing to me. I know I made him cry again, though he didn't admit it this time, but I don't really care. I can't help but think of him as a total loser now. He annoys me to no end, and is one of those creepy whiny guys you hear about, but never want to meet. He's a crybaby loser, and isn't near good enough for me. Thank god I can wash my hands of him now. YUCK. The whole thing sends shivers down my spine. That's one number I will not count as real on my counter, because it's just too damn embarrassing.
Anyways.....The next day, while I was at work, I get a text message from Holly. I call her back on my break, only to find out that someone from my party told M's ex-girlfriend that he had been at my party, and the stories were escalating to the point where it was being said we had had sex upstairs while everyone was at the party. SO DID NOT HAPPEN! Anyways, I had invited M to come to a party Saturday night with me, and was afraid that this garbage was going to prevent him from coming. However, Holly said Matt was working on him, so I was content with that.
I got done work at 10, and drove out to the party. When I got there, I saw my tent was set up, which was a good thing. Also, M was there! He had brought two friends with him, which was just peachy keen! At first, he was pulling another nancy, and was intent on not stayin over for the night. He said, again, that he had to work in the morning, and besides he "had nowhere to crash". I scoffed at this, and told him he could share my tent with me.
"I won't even try to do anything...honest. Although, if it's already being said...."
He laughed, and then agreed to stay.
At that point, the drinking began in earnest.
It ended up being a really fun night! I got drunker than I have been in awhile. Once everyone started to peter out, I grabbed his hand and lead him to my tent. The rest, as they say, is history. Needless to say, the rumours (at least part of them) came true Saturday night.
Anyways, he's a much nicer guy than K ever was. It kind of sucks that a) I didn't put the effort into HIM first, instead of K and b) that I am leaving for England. I always meet the nice boys at the wrong time. It was kind of funny though, because he drunkenly told me that he never understood why I was with K, since he's "a bit of a douchebag, especially to girls" and that he "didn't treat me nearly as good as I deserved to be treated". As he got drunker, he even ventured so far as to say that he wished he could beat the crap out of K for me, for treating me like trash. It was rather adorable, and I had a nice little smug giggle about it. What a nice boy!
Alright, well that's it for now!
Cheers!
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