On Confusing Myself More Than Anything

So in my "PG" blog I wrote the following today:

I was "this" close to spilling a major can of beans in here tonight. However, I wised up, and realized it's best for me to take the high road, and let people move on with their lives. I've been grasping at straws for awhile now (or at least, it sometimes feels that way), and I've started to think that maybe it's about time I stopped. It won't be easy, if I decide to do it, but I think maybe it's the right thing to do. Then again, I don't know. I'm a bit conflicted about the whole thing. You know how sometimes people say you just "know" about certain things? How some things happen easily for a reason? It all falls into place? Part of me wants to just trust that feeling, and keep doing what I was doing. Another part of me thinks it's a bit futile, and insanely naive, and it's expecting a LOT. Not just from myself, but from other people too. Then again, I know what I'm willing to do...and it doesn't bother me. I can't really know what other people are thinking though...and there lies the rub. Maybe if I wasn't such a pussy, I could be more vocal about this. But again, I've never been one to verbalize when I need help. I'm a stubborn old soul, who refuses to let people see the weaker side of me. I've got a persona to uphold, after all! (Actually, who am I kidding? Everyone knows me as the soft, sweet, big mouthed girl from Tillsonburg...no bad ass persona here). Do you fight the feeling, or do you let yourself be caught up in it? I don't think there's an answer for that question. It's like asking what came first; the chicken or the egg. Or whatever else people say. Bah. THIS IS SO HARD! I know what I want, and I know what it takes to get it, but it takes a lot; A lot of different things, from different avenues of my being. Nothing I can't afford though...now, then, before, whenever. I know I'm talking in circles here, and being ridiculously vague. Obviously I'm doing that for a reason. I don't really want people to (mis)interpret my meaning. Or at least, certain people. Or persons. Or person. Whatever. Decipher what you will from that.

It doesn't really matter what I decide here, or anywhere else. I can say all I want that I'll try to quit this thing, but it won't happen. It's like that Rihanna song....I'd have to check into rehab for it, and it just wouldn't work. I'm irrevocably hooked, no matter how hard I try to disengage myself.

Oh, and case you were starting to get worried. It's not drugs. Unless you count alcohol, in which case, yes, it's drugs. (I'm joking).

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In this blog, I can run through the hidden meaning in the posting. I was trying to be evasive, because I wanted to vent, but I didn't want everyone to know what I was talking about. Obviously I could have just vented here, without venting even a little in the PG blog...however, I know a lot of people read the other blog, and I think they'd like to see a more personal post from me; something that wasn't just about teaching. So I posted it.

But here, I can be real. Obviously I'm talking about my feelings for Trevor. My sister messaged me today, and made me feel really shitty about what I'm doing to myself over Trevor. She basically pointed out that I was being completely naieve about the whole situation.
"You have to remember he's four years younger than you. He might not want what you want," she wrote.
I didn't want to believe her a the time, but as I thought more about it, it started ot kind of become true. Obviously when I go back home, my plan at the moment is to fight tooth and nail to get him. To make him mine, to be with him. I want to be with him so badly, it's ridiculous. I think about him on a daily basis. He's the last person I talk to before I go to bed, most nights. I have surprisingly strong feelings for him. I say surprising, because I haven't seen him in over a month now, and I still feel as strongly as I did the last day I spent with him. Talking to him, daily, only makes me feel more sure about my feelings. He just constantly reinforces how amazing he is, every time I talk to him. He's something else...I dunno. I can't stop thinking about how I felt when I first saw him, or when I first kissed him, or when we ... god, sorry, I hate to be an awkward asshole here ... had sex. It was all just so GOOD. There was passion, and tenderness, and everything you'd want. I dunno. Frig. It was all so good. And it all happened so fast...but it felt really natural, and right. More than anything I've experienced before.

Christine told me she thinks he wants to be with me when I return. Sheena tells me he probably won't. I'm telling myself I want it, and if I want it, I seem to think I will get it. I don't know who or what to really believe. I want SO badly for my feelings to be right, for once. I want so badly to give in, and trust my gut on this one. But I also am now afraid I'm wasting my time, my life, my love. I just don't know what to do.

In all honesty, I'm not worried about him being with other girls when I'm gone. I know I will be with other GUYS in this interlude. I'm not going to become a NUN while wait until I return home. Hell, I've already for J waiting in the wings, and he is MORE than ready to sweep me off my feet, for the time being. And I'm more than willing to let him. He's a very sweet guy. As such, I'm sure Trevor will find his "J". His girl to distract him. I just hope he doesn't find his "right girl". What I hope will be me. And maybe that's where I am being naieve. I don't even know how Trevor feels about me. I don't seem to care. I have this insane confidence about the whole situation....and perhaps that's stupid. Maybe he's not the nice guy I think he is. Maybe he is very good at playing me. Who knows. I don't think that's the case, though.

And, like I said in my PG blog, no matter how hard I try to convince myself into quitting him, reducing my conversations with him, it won't happen. I can't do it. I can't not talk to him. I look forward to it, nightly. It's hard enough for me to go one night, and purposely NOT talk to him (which I do, often, to try to show myself I'm not as hopelessly in love with him as I think I am).

But anyways, I'm rambled on long enough. I should either do some work or go to bed.

Cheers.