On Getting Out Of A Slump

If you've talked to me at all this week, prior to this exact moment, then you're likely to agree that I've been a bit of a Debbie Downer lately. I feel I must apologize for this behaviour. I really was in a sour mood, and it wasn't really over anything rational. I was just hating life in general, and blaming it entirely on the country of England. If I try to think rationally about it now, the only excuse I can come up with is that it had rained for about a week and a half straight, with little (if any) sign of the sun. I honestly am not sure if this is the sole factor behind my unseasonably terrible mood, but I have a pretty good feeling it plays a large part in it. Being from Southwestern Ontario, I've grown up in a relatively sunny environment. We do get rain, of course. Everyone needs rain to survive. The farmers are certainly hurting when we have dry summers. That said, we don't have nearly as much rain as I've seen here lately. Although, we DID have a rather wet June, didn't we!? I'm trying to remember back that far, but it's proving quite difficult. I don't think I was moody in June, but then again I can't be certain.

I do know, however, that the rain I am experiencing now is definitely having an effect on me. Not seeing the sun for days on end is probably one of the most subtly depressing things in the world. I don't think we really realize how dependent are moods are on the weather until we move somewhere where the weather is drastically different. I firmly believe that part of my problem with England, at the moment, lies simply in my needing to "acclimatize" to the weather here.

Today was the first sunny day in weeks, and I found I was immensely happy for the majority of the day. It also seemed as if things were looking up for me, on a business level as well. I've been having payroll issues since Friday (my payroll fax never made it through, despite REPEATED attempts to send it). Finally it went through yesterday, but unfortunately it was a day too late. Now I won't get paid this week. I'll have to wait until next week to get my first paycheck. The fact that I was going to miss a week of pay was really stressful to me, and definitely added to my sour mood. I am running low on cash, considering I only brought over a small wad of money to sustain myself until my first pay cheque (which was SUPPOSED to be this Friday). I'm not entirely sure if this means I will get paid twice next week, but for some reason I highly doubt it. I think it just means I will be on a two week delay now, instead of one. Bummer. The only plus side is that it will be good for me when I'm done in June, or when I am holiday (I technically don't get paid for the holidays).

Ah well. I also go things sorted with the bank. I had a prep period last today, and the department meeting was cancelled, so I skipped out of the building about ten minutes early ( I didn't tell anyone, so I hope I don't get in trouble). I felt justified though, since I've had such a rough time getting into the bank this week. If I hadn't made it today, I am pretty sure I would have started crying hysterically outside the bank, while banging my fist on the glass, totally frustrated with the world. Luckily, I made it with a half hour to spare.

I went in to the customer service rep immediately, and explained my situation. She pulled up my file, and said that I had been misinformed, and that everything was nearly complete. I had been told my Visa and Passport still needed to be verified, but bank lady told that wasn't true. She turned the screen towards me, so that I could see. Sure enough, there was a very bold "VERIFIED" next to the question about my Passport. Puzzled, I asked her what the hold up was on my bank card then.
"Ah...we just need a proof of address...for Canada," she said.
"For Canada?! But I'm not living there right now..." I said, even more puzzled.
She then explained that because I was signed up for a temporary "Passport" account, that they wanted my home information. They could get my St. Ives address for my temporary address, but it wasn't my permanent one, so they didn't need verification of it.
I pulled out my drivers licence and asked if that was sufficient.
She smiled, and told me it was perfect.
A few moments later, we had everything sorted. She helped me sign up for Internet banking, told me my debit card was in the mail, and sent me on my way.

I was immensely happy to have solved the problem so easily. Two days of frustration behind me, I walked home in much higher spirits.

Right now, I am currently in possession of two whole hours to myself. I have planned ahead enough to take some time to myself. I am quite glad to be feeling so happy now, as I really was starting to detest the grump that I had become. I still am not 100% happy with life right now, but it's a start. I think the best thing for me to do is make some more friends. That area of my life is certainly laking, and I feel I am missing companionship. I also find myself missing Gabriel a lot, and am really wishing I could get a kitten, or a rat, or mouse, or SOMETHING fluffy to love. The only problem with doing that is that I am leaving in June, and would effectively have to leave the poor animal behind. As such, getting a pet is out of the question. I still hate not having one though...I am a bit of a loser, in that I need to have something to mother in my life. It was Gabriel for two years, and now to not have him, well I definitely feel a bit of a void. I miss his grumpy bum so much! Heh heh.

School is going much better. I still am not sure if I am following the British curriculum very well, but as long as I hit the required coursework that's all that matters. Frankly, I am QUITE surprised that they've stuck me with two year 11 classes. From my limited knowledge of the system, year 11 is a very important year. If I fuck this up, I could potentially fuck up the future of 50 some-odd kids. Oye. That's a load to carry. I don't think I am doing them a disservice right now though...but we shall see. I have been trying to find the course objectives (the end products they want them to be able to produce), and have found them in bits and pieces on the shared drive on the school network. I'm slowly starting to grasp this.

I also have to have some "target grades" put in for my year 10s by next Wednesday. I have to fill a grade quota, which I find really stupid, but I think I've got it done. I will just have the head of English look it over, and then go from there.

I answered my first parent e-mails today. It was quite thrilling, to be honest. It made me feel like a real teacher, for maybe the first time since the very first day. I felt so authoritative!! I also gave my first detentions the other day, to my wild bunch of year 9s. They still are not responding to my attempts to tame them. They did, however, calm down considerably after they saw that I WOULD give detentions. Tomorrow I have them last period (and on my FULL day...5 courses in a row, with only 15 minutes for lunch). I pray I make it through the day! I hate ending the day with the 9s though, because they leave me feeling physically empty. It's amazing what an unruly class will do to you. It's like nothing I've experienced before; you're just frazzled. That's the only word I can use to describe it. Frazzled. Completely spent. Used up.

I may have to issue double digit detentions tomorrow. I need to really crack down on this class. Iknow they are testing me, and I cannot let them win. I have to appear strong. I can't worry about them liking me. At this point, I know they don't. But that's fine. They will learn to respect me. Respect means more, at this level.

I also had a horrible incident with Bobby today. The kid does not belong in my class. I have the two top set year 8 English classes. They're both absolutely lovely, with very very able kids. Bobby is such a drain on the one class though, he brings everyone else down. Today he refused to listen to me, in any capacity. I had assigned him a new seat, which he refused to sit in. When I gave the kids a task to do (silent reading, while working on their task for a Literature Circle) he refused to read, write, or do anything even remotely productive. He simply sat like a bump on a log and sang stupid, childish tunes out loud. At one point, he was singing about how Barney (the purple dinosaur) have him HIV...it was ridiculous. I kicked him out at one point, and told him to stand in the hall until I came to talk to him. He refused to leave. I was not going to argue with him, as that was clearly what he wanted. Instead, I started at him, with the door open, and my finger pointed, until he sauntered out. He didn't do this quietly though, but I didn't respond. I simply shut the door behind him, and then stood facing the class, with one eye out the window in door.

I addressed the class first, asking them to please (again) ignore Bobby's behaviour. Instantly I was met with a wave of complaining and griping. The kids all expressed severe concerns over Bobby being in the class. They felt it was unfair to them, as they could never get any work done due to his constant misbehaviour and distractions. I told them I would try to work on a solution (my solution would be to get him out. He refused to learn, and is taking away from other children's right to learn. He needs to leave. There is no helping this kid. I'm sorry, but there truly is not!). I then went out and tried to reason with Bobby. He walked away from me, turning back every few steps. It was clear he wanted me to chase him. I refused, so I simply walked back into the classroom, not finishing what I was saying to him.

It worked, and he followed me in, chattering incessantly at my backside the entire way in. Once inside, I turned on him, and in my meanest voice (I was surprised I had it in me) told him to SIT down and get to work. He sat, but he didn't work. He started singing again.
"Give me your diary," I said firmly. Their diary is their planner, in which teachers can communicate with parents.
"No," he said. He started me right in the eyes, grinning this ridiculously cocky grin.
"Give me your diary," I repeated, my hand out.
"No. You can't get it either, if you go into my bag that's invasion of privacy!"
"I've no desire to go into your bag. You either give me your diary or you get out of my classroom," I said.
He reached into his bag and handed me his diary.
"You can't give me any more detentions this week, I've got one every day," he said, almost proudly.
"I'm not going to give you a detention. I'm writing a note to your parents," I said.
A look that was almost concern came over his face.
"Fine," he said, trying to sound tough. I could tell he was a bit scared though. Clearly he gets in SOME sort of trouble for his behaviour at home. I certainly hope so, anyways.
I quickly penned a note in his diary, stating that his inappropriate behaviour and unwillingness to take any direction was going to result from his not attending my class anymore. I can only HOPE that could come true. The day he leaves my classroom, the happier I (and ALL my students) will be.

After I had written in his diary, he was silent for maybe a minute, and then he started to berate other students again, picking on anyone and everyone near him.

Fed up, I yelled at him to get out of my classroom.
"No," he said again.
"Get. Out." I said, emphasizing both words. "If you refuse to work, I CANNOT allow you to continue to distract other people from THEIR work. Get out of my classroom, NOW"
He grabbed his bag and stood.
"Fine, I'm out of here," he said.
"Wait outside the door until I can come talk to you," I said.
"Nope, I'm leaving. I'm leaving," he said.
He walked to the door, his mouth never shutting, as he lipped off every kid he saw. He went and stood by the window outside my classroom. I started to walk over, and as he saw me approach, he took off down the hall.
I hesitated a moment, debating what to do, but then decided it would be an error in judgement if I went chasing after him. For the good of my class, I had to remain with the majority. If the school had a PA system, I would have paged someone, but seeing as they don't I told no one. Not right away, anyways.

On my break, I sent a number of e-mails about the days events with Bobby. I can only hope that a meeting will result, in which we will discuss Bobby's future in my classroom. He does not belong. In fact, the situation is so bad, that I had at least 10 students in the class ask me if they could switch classes, because they could not work in a room where Bobby was present. He was too much of a deterrent to their learning. I assured them that I would find a way to fix the problem. I wanted to tell them that I was going to lobby to have him removed from my class, but I didn't think that would be professional.

At lunch, I heard Bobby on the playground brag about having "walked out" of my lesson. One of the students in the class interjected though, saying "Um, no Bobby. You were asked to leave, and then you took off. You didn't walk out of anywhere. She didn't want you there, and neither did anyone else". I couldn't help but grin.

But...that's really just one student in a sea of many. He's really the only student I can honestly say I DO NOT like. While the others are not all angels, they at least are not socially awkward, totally disruptive, and extremely unlikable people. They all have their redeeming qualities, and while they do have faults, they aren't always that bad. Everyone has a weakness, and everyone is not perfect. I know that more than anyone. I can deal with my other students, because I know that at heart they're decent people. Bobby is not a decent person. He's an extremely angry, extremely confrontational person...he's very hard to deal with.

Anyways....I don't really relish the idea of ending this on a negative note. Rest assured, my mindset right now is not at all negative. I am feeling quite well right now. For the first time, I am feeling a few seeds of contentment growing. Perhaps soon this feeling will predominate, and my days of being a Debbie Downer will be at their end. Hopefully the sun stays around long enough for this to happen. No flower can grow without the sun, and neither can my happiness in this strange and foreign country.

Another thing that is causing me "happiness conflict" has to do with Trevor. I've talked to him pretty much every day since I've gotten the internet (he doesn't have it now, but I can text his phone with MSN, so we've chatted briefly that way). I thorougly enjoy even brief snippits of conversation with him, because it just makes me feel more secure in the fact that I can go back and woo him. However, it's also a bad thing, because if really keeps me attached to him. This is bad, because it makes it hard for me to rationalize meeting men here. Like I said last post, any men I meet here will be "distractions". That is to say, I won't take them very seriously. I may consider taking them seriously for a few months (dating until I leave, as a maximum), but I don't think any man could win me over enough to make me want to stay past my year. However, because I am so hung up on Trevor, I am seriously doubting even my ability to have casual-ish relationships here! This is an entirely new thing for me, I assure you. If you know me at all, I think you will agree that usually I am kind of a bad girl, when it comes to relationships. I've made a lot of mistakes, gone for a lot of the wrong types of guys...but right now, I'm not interested in making mistakes. This makes me sound like I was a huge whore, which isn't the case at all. I just couldn't really make it past two months with someone. Suddenly, it seems that each week that I spend away from Canada, I grow more and more determined to make some serious moves on Trevor when I return....and not make any mistakes in the meantime. What is this? Is this maturity? Is this growing up? Does this suck? YAH IT DOES!

Ha ha ha! I have needs, dammit! The only problem is, my newly mature mind is fighting my body, in allowing me to fulfill those needs. Oh brain, why must you torture me so.

I'm conflicted on whether or not I will see Jake this weekend. A part of me is saying I should give him a chance. His extreme hotness definitely is swaying me towards letting a meeting take place. Whether or not my brain allows my body to take over, once said meeting happens, is unknown to me. If my friend booze is involved, then the body will almost certainly win. It's a tough situation. Tough indeed. Should anything actually happen, it would have to remain totally secret though...if stupid flings resulted in my never getting a solid chance with Trevor, I'd be thoroughly devestated.

But anyways, I've rambled on enough.

Cheers!!