On Being Lonely (For Male Attention)

This past weekend really highlighted for me the fact that a) I am getting old and b) I am not as confident as I want to be when I am sober. I usually like to have people believe that I am this cocky, confident, straight talking sassy minx; deep down I know that much of this is false bravado, because underneath it all I am just the same old small town girl from Tillsonburg. Underneath it all, I harbour really deep insecurities about myself, and it seems since moving back to Tillsonburg I've really reverted back into this high school coward that I once was. The worst thing is, I still project this self assured outward appearance, which only further isolates me from everyone, because I look so damned unapproachable.

I went to the bar Friday and Saturday night. Friday night it was pretty dead downtown, but I drank an entire bottle of wine at home, and then proceeded to polish off about 4 rum and cokes once I got downtown. Suffice it to say, I was licked. More licked than I've been in a fair while. I went with my sister, Sheena, and her friend Holly. The first stop was the one and only pub in town, the Copper Mug. It's a decent place to go sit down, and have a drink or two. It's not a very large pub though; if you've been to Guelph, it is comparable to Doogies (minus the hole in the wall where you can see into Pablos. We were sitting there, when we saw two guys who are a year older than me; Mike and Andrew Kamenar. They're cousins, not brothers. Andrew is shorter, stalky, with dark hair. He's attractive in his own way, definitely He's not ugly at all. Mike is gorgeous though. He's tall, blond, and hot as fuck all. He is also in teachers college right now, in the U.S. I believe. He just started (or finished, I can't remember which) his second placement in Windsor. I decided that this was the perfect opportunity to move in on him; we have something in common! So I started to chat him up, and was being super flirty. After awhile, we all decided to head down to the Royal (the bar) and see if more people were there. So we're walking over, and my sister is suddenly all over Mike. Once we got into the bar, she sat beside him and was all handsy and super flirty. Any headway I had made was totally out the window. Suffice it to say, I was hurt and disappointed. She had totally moved in on me. I didn't think she could be so oblivious to what I was doing. Holly even leaned over and said "Man, you must be pissed...you did all that footwork and now Sheena is coming in and taking him away." I grumbled my disapproval, and proceeded to sulk in my chair.

Then Sheena and Mike were gone. Holly and I looked all over outside, trying to find them, and we couldn't. It was fairly obvious to me that they likely ran off somewhere to make out or something. I doubt I am being over dramatic in saying that. I know how it goes. Fuming even more, I returned to my seat. However, as I was sitting there, THE hottest young thing in town spots me, and comes over to chat me up. His name is Ryan, and I believe he is 20 or 21. He's a fucking dreamboat and a half, let me tell you. This kid was the star athlete in EVERYTHING he did in high school, which means he is in amazing shape. He's got to be something like 6'2" or so, with naturally blond hair (and when I say blond, I mean like the most beautiful shade of blond ever). None of that mousy blondness. He's dutch, so you know it's the fabulous kind of blond. It's short, and spiked a bit...just the way I like it. I have always thought he had the All-American good looks down to a T. He's stunning. Anyways, for some background information, I saw him out last weekend and we chatted a bit, and I managed to get some lame flirting in. So when he came up to me AGAIN on Friday, I was pretty stoked. All thoughts about my frustration with Sheena and Mike evaporated. He bought me a drink, and then went to talk to his buddies.

Not satisfied with the transaction, I debated with Holly what to do next. I wanted to talk to him some more. She told me to just go over, but lately I've been having mega confidence issues in Tillsonburg, and I couldn't bring myself to be so forward (whereas in Thunder Bay or Guelph, I would have sauntered over, and got my flirt on). So I decided to buy him a drink...I walked over, and whispered into his ear, asking him what he was drinking. He told me he was drinking Rye and Ginger, so I grabbed one for him. I gave it to him, and he thanked me, giving me this megawatt SUPER hot smile. We chatted for a bit...my drunken mind doesn't recall a lot of the conversation, but I swear to GOD he asked me if I would ever go on a date with him. I told him I would, and then he said he would call me some time. I asked him if he had my number, and he said that if he really wanted it, he could find it. Then some other girl came running up, and I kind of got pushed out of the circle. Dejected, I walked back to the table where Holly was sitting. While I was gone, Sheena and Mike magically reappeared. They were being all disgusting, whispering to each other, and laughing, and touching. I looked back at Ryan, longingly, wishing I could get out of this private hell.

Eventually Andrew and Mike took off. Sheena and I decided to walk home. We stopped at Pizza Pizza to grab a slice. As we were sitting in the restaurant, her phone rings. Apparently it was Mike, asking her to come to his place. I nearly died. She said she couldn't go. Wanting to be the good sister, I told her to go.
"Really?" she asked.
"Yah, you should go...I will tell Mom and Dad you stayed at Holly's. I got your back"
She eagerly took me up on my offer. We ate our pizza, and then she hopped into a cab. I started walking back home, which is literally five minutes down the street. I should have been fine. Instead, and please keep in mind the fact that I was straight licked, I started to cry. Hard crying. I just felt so horribly rejected and alone. I was angry that my sister could swoop in and take a guy I was clearly trying to flirt with. I was angry that my lame attempts to get Ryan to notice me when virtually unnoticed. I was just plain upset at being alone. I cried the entire way home. Not wanting to go into the house crying, I leaned against my Dads car in the driveway, and cried some more. At one point I sank to the ground, and sat there on the driveway, against my Dads car, balling my eyes out. I wanted to talk to someone, and knowing that it was late, I decided not to call Andrea and wake her up. I called Rachelle instead, because I knew she was working and would likely be awake, or just have gotten home. So I called her, and thankfully she was around to talk to me. We had a rather lengthy conversation (at least it felt lengthy at the time) that really helped me feel better. Rachelle, if you're reading this, thanks a bunch for listening to my extreeeeemely drunk ranting and raving. Also, sorry that I cried on the phone. (P.S. I was being serious when I said I would come to Guelph and hold your hand, if you ever need it!)

Anyways, after I got off the phone with Rachelle, I went into the house, and climbed into bed. I texted Sheena a really nasty message, that I realize I shouldn't have done. She called my cell instantly, and was extremely apologetic. I couldn't possibly stay mad at her, so I forgave her. Looking back at the situation now, I realize that while she shouldn't have swooped in on me (I certainly wouldn't have done it) if he was interested in ME he wouldn't have cared. Therefore, he clearly knew what he was doing, and made a conscious decision to pick my sister. I guess the better woman won, and I am fine with that decision now.

I still want in Ryan's pants though.

Which leads me to last night. IT WAS JAM PACKED downtown. I literally have never seen the bar so full in my life. You could hardly MOVE, it was so annoying. Getting a drink took twenty minutes. Not that I drank; after the last night, I was not in the mood to repeat the situation, so I decided to be the DD. Anyways, I saw a LOT of really super hot guys, but most of them didn't know who I was, and I wasn't about to go introduce myself AGAIN to them, especially not sober. Drunk Krista might have done it, but sober Krista was all about averting her eyes and shyly staring at the floor all night. Anyways, I didn't see Ryan until towards the end of the night. When I did see him, I was waaay too shy to go say hello to him. Sheena kept pushing me to go say hello, but I was staunchly refusing her, so she gave up. Soon after that, Sheena saw her friend from work, Britt, so we went over to talk to her. Now, this girl is 18, but since the bars in town don't check IDs she was drinking away the night. She was a nice girl, so it's all good. Anyways, I admitted to her that I had a crush on Ryan, and she squealed with delight. She told me she was good friends with him, and that I should go talk to him. Again, I waxed shyness, and refused.
"You look gorgeous! Why are you shy!? Lets go over!" she said.
So she grabbed my hand, and practically dragged me over to where he was. She threw her arms around him, and did the girly "HOW ARE YOU" thing that all young girls seem to do. I hung back, being retardedly shy. My sister kept pushing me towards Ryan, edging me forward with her fingers and her eyes. Finally he noticed me.
"HEY!!!" he said, opening his arms up wide for a hug. It was at this point I realized how drunk he was. He was at that point where your eyes don't really focus, and you can't stand still without swaying. Great.
He walked towards me, and threw his arms around me. I hugged him back. He instantly sank into me, leaning heavily on me. I'm way shorter than him, so this couldn't have been very comfortable for him.
"How are you?" he whispered into my ear, his head planted firmly on my shoulder.
"I'm good, how are you, drunky?" I teased back.
We kinda talked and joked this way, him leaning solidly on me in hug positon, for about two minutes. Then he pulled away, and attempted to stand up straight. We talked for a few minutes more, and then his drunken mind got sidetracked by a commotion his cousin was making behind him. I knew it was a lost cause, since he was so horribly hammered, so I let him stumble away. Britt was looking at me expectantly.
"SO?!" she asked me.
"Ah, you know what, he's so drunk, he has no idea what is going on. I don't think he's into me..." I replied.
Sheena and her both kind of laughed at me, and told me not to be so serious.

We spent the rest of the night wandering around the bar, while Sheena and Britt talked and flirted with virtually every guy there. Myself, I felt like such a third wheel, and I wasn't drunk so I couldn't jump into the conversations without feeling like a retard, so I stood behind them most of the night staring at the floor, or gazing around the bar taking in all the people. I talked briefly with Cole Carson (not related) about how "gorgeous" I turned out to be, which was slightly ego boosting (we went to high school together, and I was so shy and awkward then). He said it was amazing that the quiet girl I was then could be the outgoing girl I am now (he was basing this on my Facebook, which he said astounded him - the pictures especially. Good to know he creeped me. Ha!) I also kept making eyes at this really cute guy all night, from afar. Turns out he's going to be my sister and Britt's boss at their summer job at Courtland Gardens. His name is Paul, and he looked like date-able material. He hung out with the three of us for the last 30 minutes or so, until they turned the lights on. I mostly listened to the three of them discuss Courtland Garden, and smiled shyly at him from time to time.

Ryan came up one more time before he left. He touched my hair, gave me this adorable puppy dog face, and told me that I was beautiful. I shot him the most seductive look I could muster, and said thank you. Then he stumbled away. Not sure what to make of that.

Anyways, Sheena and Britt wanted Pizza Pizza, so I agreed to take them and then drive Britt home. Paul asked me if I could give him a ride home as well, and I happily consented. So we went to Pizza Pizza, and I finally got to enter the conversation. Anyways, lots of stuff was said, but the best thing was that...and I can't recall the context of the comment....but Paul said something about how he "fell in love with me the moment he saw me" and that I was "dead drop gorgeous". I wrote that right. He said dead drop gorgeous. I laughed at him, and asked him what dead drop gorgeous was. He looked at me, puzzled.
"Isn't it a turn of phrase?"
"Drop dead gorgeous is...you said dead drop gorgeous"
We all had a laugh over that.
He also told me he wanted to marry me, because I was so sweet. If only all men could see it. Ha ha ha.

Anyways, suffice it to say, it was a frustrating weekend of me vainly attempting to flirt with the sexiest boys in town, and getting no where. However, I now have a massive crush on Paul (though, fuck, it would appear Sheena does now too...and she will be working with him, so we all know who will win that contest). Ryan I doubt I could date, because he is TOO pretty, and we all know that the very pretty ones KNOW they are pretty, and hence dog it up. But Paul is cute, without being a playboy. He's not retardedly hot, just very small town, guy next store adorable. He seems date-able, like I said.

Oh, which reminds me. We were talking in the Pizza Pizza, and he asked me if it was normal to date someone two or three months and then realize you can't stand the other person. I nearly shit myself, because as we all know, that is MY problem! So we shared some opinions on that matter as well.

So....I'm hoping that perhaps one of these two insanely different fleeting moments will lead somewhere. I just want to have someone to shower me with compliments and attention. A male someone. If I had to pick, I'd want it to be Paul, since he seems like a nice guy, but Ryan would be GREAT for the ego too.

I'll keep you posted.

On Wishing My Ex Would Grow Up

Last night was the Bx93 Dance Party. For those of you in the dark, Bx93 is a country music radio station that broadcasts out of London, and covers a large part of southwestern Ontario. Personally, I don't listen to the station, since I am not a huge fan of country music. However, they tour the towns and cities in their broadcast range, throwing these video dance parties. They are usually a big "to do" in small towns like the one I am from, since they serve cheap drinks and you get to dance to your hearts content. I had been to one previous to the event last night, and had had a rip-roaring good time. It's like a big dance club, albeit country, comes to a small town; it's a crowd pleaser. It was such a hyped night, that my friend Steph (from Lakehead) came down, to go with me. We were hyped about if weeks ago.

I found out early in the afternoon that Adam, my ex, was going to be in attendance. I was slightly nervous when I found out, because the last time we went to the same party, it didn't end well for me. I sat outside, crying my eyes out, because I realized I still had feelings for the asshole, and he hated my very existence. It was a terrible experience, that made me feel weak and stupid. I had a bad feeling the situation would be repeated, if I saw him at the Bxer.

Steph and I left for the dance at 10. It was fairly packed when we got there, but none of my friends, nor my sister, had arrived yet. We got some drinks, and took a seat near the front door to watch the people arriving. We waited about 15 minutes, and then I saw Adam. He was wearing a dark blue, pin striped shirt with a yellow tie, and black pants. The last time I saw him, he had a lame handle-bar mustache. Tonight he was mostly clean shaven, with a little bit of day growth stubble. I would be lying if I didn't say I thought he looked madly attractive. I pointed him out to Steph, who made the comment that he was hot. I grinned, feeling pleased that she was impressed, and then frowned because he was not mine to feel pride over. I was instantly awash with feelings of nervousness. I wanted to speak to him, which was mostly the booze in me talking. I asked Steph if she wanted to go stand closer to the door instead of sitting. This was a lame attempt on my part to get closer to him, since he was standing with some of the guys in the area I was hoping to go to. I think she was on to me, but she agreed anyways. We walked over to a pole, and loitered by it. I kept one eye on the door, and one on Adam. I couldn't stop looking, even though I really didn't want to be looking. Worst, I didn't want to be caught looking. However, I kept entertaining the idea that he'd look at me, and we'd share this look...and maybe he'd realize how ravishingly beautiful I am, come take me in his arms, and we'd run happily ever after into the future.

Any notions like this were quickly dashed though. I got too bold, and sauntered over to Brodie (one of Adam and I's mutual friends), dragging Steph with me. I used the excuse of asking Brodie if he had heard from our friend Mike. He looked at me awkwardly, his eyes constantly darting towards Adam. Adam wouldn't look directly at Brodie and I, but his body language conveyed that he knew I was there, and he wasn't pleased. Our friend Aron, who I would say is Adam's man-love (the guy worships the ground Adam walks on, for some reason), rolled his eyes at Adam and then shot me a "what the hell are you doing here" sceptical look.
"No...I haven't heard from Mike at all tonight," Brodie said to me. He kept shifting back and forth, clearly uncomfortable. I started to bristle a little. I wasn't able, and I still am not able to, comprehend why my being there would be so severely uncomfortable for him.
"Oh, okay," I said. Then I pulled Steph forward, and made a brief introduction. I had told him last week I would be bringing a friend, and he was friendly as pie then, saying he looked forward to meeting her. He shook her hand, and continued to pace a bit. I could tell he was trying not to offend me, by the look on his face. It was obvious I had put him in an awkward position, because as much as he wanted to be friendly to Steph and myself, his allegiance to Adam was restricting him. I grew angrier at the situation by the minute. Steph and Brodie made small talk, while I tried to catch Adam's eye. Any ideas I had previously entertained of him falling back in love with me had flown the coop by this point. I just wanted to confront him on his outrageous behaviour now. When he finally did turn his gaze in my direction, I did the girliest thing possible; I balked from my angry stance, and instantly melted into a shy darling. I lowered my lids, and then looked up at him like a fucking school girl. I'm ashamed to admit that I instantly lost all the anger that had accumulated, and would have forgiven him any indiscretion in that moment, if he had just smiled at me. Instead, he gave me a look I knew too well as his girlfriend - though the look had rarely been directed at me then. My heart broke into a million little pieces, with this one look. I know I blushed, and I stared at the floor, feeling utterly out of place. I touched Stephs arm, and indicated that I wanted to leave the area. She said goodbye to Brodie, and did the "nice to meet you" thing, while I started to side step away. As I was turning tail to leave, I heard Adam say something to his friends. I couldn't make it out, but the tone was unimpressed. I did, however, catch Aron's reply...

"She's nothing but a cheating whore..."

I'm sure I paled instantly. Steph looked at me, and I said "Did you hear that?
"Yah...." she said, her smile fading into a concerned frown.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
I stood still a moment, taking in what I had heard. Adam and his friends were laughing at Aron's comment. My mind was reeling with thoughts. I was so deeply hurt by what he had said, for a number of reasons. The first reason is that this is someone who claims to be my friend. We had a discussion in the summer, when I asked him whether or not we could be friends, given the stance Adam has taken concerning me (re: intense hatred). He told me, point blank, that we COULD be friends, but that he was first and fore-most Adam's friend. He had said that he had no problem with me, and the only thing was that Adam wasn't happy to know that Brodie and himself hung out with me, but that he'd get over it. Clearly this had been a lie. If he was truly my friend, and if he truly had nothing against me, why would he say something so hurtful? The second thing that concerned me about what he said was that if he could say that within hearing range of me, what did they say about me when I WASN'T around? Was this a common theme amongst then, regarding me? Do they really think I am nothing more than a whore? My worst fear is to have people talk poorly about me in that manner. There is no word in the English language that I hate more than "whore". It is so degrading, and has no male equivalent.

After my moment of shock passed, I turned and continued to walk away. I had to blink repeatedly to avoid crying. My eyes burned with the effort. Eventually, those feelings of shame and hurt passed, and the anger started to return. Why would these guys, who claimed to be my friend when Adam wasn't around, let him act in such a manner? Why would they perpetuate this stupidity? By ignoring me, and being rude to me when Adam is around, they are only facilitating his childish behaviour. One of them should put a stop to this, but bringing me over, and trying to integrate me into the conversation. This would force Adam to realize that he is acting like an immature brat. You cannot hold such a grudge against a person, for so long, especially when you have mutual friends in the mix. But that will never happen, because these guys are so cowed into following Adams every order, and they will never stand up against him. Not a single one of them will ever call him on his behaviour. I know the situation makes them feel awkward, but they LET it take place. They let it continued to be awkward, by allowing him to dictate what they do. I cannot, for the life of me, understand why they allow him to act in such a way. If the roles were reversed, and they were ignoring Adam, I wouldn't stand for it. I would tell them that the past is the past, and even though I dislike him a lot, I am not going to let it affect EVERYONE. For fuck sake, we broke up 3 years ago. THREE YEARS! How can this shit still be causing so much stress to EVERYONE!? Why do they let him continue this idiocy!? I just don't get it.

I also know that nothing that I say will make the situation better. I've told the guys a million times I am cool with everything, and I would not make a scene if we all hung out, Adam included. I would be chill as fuck. He is the only one causing all this awkwardness. He is the only one that will not let go. Admittedly, I am still in love with the asshole, and he hates me. I'm sure that makes it difficult. But then again, I don't understand the hatred he feels for me. He is in a relationship. He should be happy and secure enough to realize that I did the right thing breaking up with him (that should be his perspective, anyways. Mine is that breaking up was a mistake...but that point is mute in this argument). If he is secure in his relationship, doesn't it make sense that he would be less angry at me? I'm not entirely sure how to verbalize my defense on this matter.....but I hope some of what I'm trying to say comes across. The fact that he hates me so much makes me think it's a cover. A ruse. Hatred and love are not far removed. Perhaps, and this is my insane theory, he hates me so much because he is afraid to let his guard down. He's afraid that if he allows himself to be friends with me, he will fall in love with me again. I entertain ideas that he is still attracted to me, physically, and therefore creates a barrier of hatred to keep himself from falling back to me. Again, this is just my wild opinion on the matter. I will admit my bias; I still have feelings for him. I know my parents would never be happy if I got back together with him, and neither would his parents. But sometimes I seriously think he was the one. Seeing him last night, I felt that way again. I wanted him so bad. Not sexually (well a little I did), but mostly I wanted to possess him again. I wanted to be able to say "this is mine". I wanted him back. As much as I tried to convince myself that I didn't, I did. Even when I was fuming mad at the way he was treating me, I wanted him. I would take him back. I don't understand it.

I really wish that someone will come and replace him. Sometimes I think that is the problem. I haven't met anyone since we broke up that I could see myself falling madly in love with. I need to meet that one guy, that one guy that will sweep me off my feet, because until I find him, I will continue to love a man who scorns my very existence.

It's a sad state of affairs...

On Being Home

Well, here I am. I am finally back home. After two months, plus a week, of back breaking labour and mind bending thought manipulations, I am free from the institution that is post secondary education. Yes, it is true. I am a two time University graduate. Not officially, for the second degree, but it's a mere five week placement away. The only thing stopping me is if I fuck up my placement. We all know that won't happen, though. That Bachelor of Education degree is as good as mine. Which means that my licence is within reach. What a joyous day. I am also immensely pleased to be rid of Thunder Bay forever. I don't think I will ever make the trek back into that shit hole of a city. Not if I can help it, anyways. It didn't do anything for me.

Admittedly, I miss a few people. I miss Alicia, since I did spend a lot of time living and schooling with her. I also miss Mike and Giang. They were pretty awesome, and I will definitely miss Mike's phenomenal cooking abilities. He's the most talented man I've ever seen handle food. I'll miss Steph, and maybe Sebastian a little, and Adam, and Cameron....and that's about it. The good news is I can finally get over my silly little crush on C.....if you can't figure out who C is, by the way, you're mental. Anyways. I will likely never see any of them again, aside from Steph and Alicia. The guys...never again. If I'm honest with myself, I know I won't see them. It's unlikely. Unless we miraculously end up working at the same school some day.

Anyways, I digress. I'm not really in the mood to write today, I just wanted to make it clear that I was finally out of Thunder Bay, and back home. It's been a glorious few days. I am relieved to be in familiar surroundings again. Now I just have to meet a cute local cowboy, to sweep me off my feet.

Think it can be done? We shall see.

Cheers

On Being Sick

Last night I was sick. I should have seen it coming, since Alicia was sick just a few days earlier. However, I was cocky enough to assume that since I am in the best physical shape I've been in in years, my body would be able to fend off any attacker. I also had got my flu shot in November, and felt that would protect me from any flu-like illness. Turns out I was wrong.

Last night, at around 4 pm, I started to feel a little bit off. I had zero appetite, and couldn't drink enough water to quench my thirst. This was troubling to me, and I went and took an Advil. I could feel a fever starting to creep up on me. My arm muscles started to ache. I tried to laugh it all off, and kept saying "I can't get sick. I just can't!" However, as the night progressed, I began to feel worse and worse. I took a gravol, and settled down to lay down. The gravol didn't work though, and I ended up hugging the toilet. It was pretty horrible. I took two more gravol before trying to go to bed. It prevented me from being violently ill, but it certainly didn't stop me from having a fitful, fevered sleep. I had a bad case of the sweats. I had to wash my sheets this morning, cuz they were soaked. It was pretty gross. However, the good thing about sweating out a sickness is that...well it sweats it out! I woke up this morning with no appetite, and feeling a little light headed, but I certainly wasn't feeling barfy, and the fever was gone. So that's good. I just don't want to be sick for my flight home. Which, by the way, in only a little under 48 hours away. Yippeeeee!

One bad thing about being sick was that I missed attending my very last day of University, ever. It was kind of sad, and very anti-climatic. Last year, on my last day at Guelph, I got a profound sense of accomplishment as I left my last class. I remember walking out of the building (the ever lovely Mack building), looking up at the Library, and breathing a large sigh of relief. Walking through campus, through the U.C. and over to the bus stop, I made sure to drink in the atmosphere around me; I tried to memorize the feeling of being on the campus, walking between the buildings, and all that nostalgic stuff. I didn't get to do that here at Lakehead. Yesterday I had no idea that it would be the last time I walked through the doors of the Bora Laskin building. If I had known, I might have relished the moment a little more. I have to go to campus tomorrow, hopefully to hit the gym, should I be up for it, but also to mail my final package home. But the main campus is nowhere near close to the Education building, so it won't be the same. I never really felt that I was a true student of Lakehead University, because my Faculty was so distanced from the main campus. I never visited the main Library, I never really made use of the U.C., never ate in its cafeteria. I did make use of the fabulous campus bar, the Outpost, which is located in the U.C., but that hardly counts.

My Mom made a point of telling me that my education isn't nearly complete, because teachers are lifelong learners. That much is true; I will be taking Additional Qualification (AQ) courses for years to come, to up my pay scale, and to eventually rise to the position of Principal, which is something that I aspire to. I'll be taking courses for the rest of my life. However, its not the same to take online courses, as it is to be a full-fledged student. My days of being a full-time student are over. My life, as a student, is over. I am greatly pleased to be past the poorest stage of my life. I look forward to joining the working world, and amassing some savings. I am ready to begin my life. I am ready to get on with the bigger picture. But I am also saddened that this chapter of my life is finally over. When I graduated from Guelph with my undergraduate degree, I knew that it wasn't over for me. I knew I would be going on to teachers college. Now, however, it is all different. I don't have anything sure to go on to in September. I have an idea, and I have a plan, but I have nothing concrete. It's kind of scary, to be honest. However, I know that the first step towards success is assurance; confidence. I know that I will be able to get supply work in September. At least, I've been told as much. I can only trust that the people who said they would call me will. A lot of my future is resting in the hands of other people. All I can do is rest assured that my abilities as a teacher are strong enough to secure me a position, eventually. I know I am a good teacher, and I know that I deserve to have a classroom of my own. I know that some day I WILL. It may be a few years from now, but once it happens I will be set. So in the meantime, all I can do is follow the leads that present themselves to me, and work as hard as I can to reach my goal.

I know I can do it. No sickness will slight what this day means to me. I am semi-officially the owner of two university degrees. Two degrees that, on paper, mean that I am qualified to teach the young minds of this country. I don't need those pieces of paper to tell me that I can do it; I simply know that I can.

Cheers.

On Spinning A Rather Large Yarn: Story Time

Alright, as I promised, I have many stories to tell, and I am finally in the mood to tell them. This might take awhile, since the soap opera that is my life has been churning out some pretty surprising plot twists lately. You might want to grab a snack, and possibly a drink. Or maybe take that potty break now, because I doubt you will want to leave this page turner (or web scroller, I suppose) for two long. Anyways, I digress...here are some of the random tangents my life has taken in the past little while.

First of all, I am sure some of you are wondering about what happened with M and myself. Well, suffice it to say, my experiences with M are something that I regret deeply, and I wish I could take them back. I often wish I had kept with my original pact to stay celibate during my time in Thunder Bay. In all honesty, it wouldn't have been too hard to do, since every guy up here is a total pig. Including M. Anyways, here's the story of myself and M:

For the most part, I was nothing more than a booty call babe, to M. As you should know, from reading my previous posts, I had decided to concede defeat in that avenue. I was relatively alright with the fact of using him for sexual gratification. In fact, I even blinded myself to the fact that the sex we had was horrible (which, by the way, it was. He wasn't well equip, if you know what I mean). Anyways, I figured that with the limited amount of time we had left, I may as well suck it up, and take what I could get. Besides, the attention was nice. I will be the first to admit I am an attention whore, especially when it comes from a guy, so I was more than willing to lap that up. I went in for a couple of his booty calls, and it was a decent arrangement. However, I quickly grew tired of it, and him, and decided to brush him off. One Friday night, I get a text message from him asking me what I was doing. I was in the process of watching a movie marathon on AMC (Terminator 2, Die Hard, and Planet of the Apes) with Alicia. It was 12:30 at night. I was comfortable and happy, in my sweats and a tank. The message was a surprise to me, and it simply read "What are you doing?". I thought it was innocent enough, so I texted back that I was watching movies.
"Come to Roxy's" he replied. I texted back that I was in my PJs and didn't have any cash for a cab.
"Come with me to a party after, I will pay cab", was his response.
"No thanks," I replied.
"Come on..." he said.
"Maybe. Call me later". I said this with the full intention of not answering the call. I assumed I would be going to bed in about half a minutes time, which ended up being how it went down.
At 2:30 in the morning, my cell phone starts to ring. I wake up, and check to see who it was. "M" flashes across the screen. I hit the button to turn off the ringer, and roll over. A few minutes later, it starts to ring again. Again, I turn off the ringer. After a bit, it starts to beep at me, signalling that I have voice mail. Curious as to what he could have said, and kind of wishing for a laugh at the drunken message I was sure to receive, I decided to listen to the message.
Just as I had thought, he's drunk, and pleading with me to answer the phone and come to the party. He sounds pouty, and says that he went out of his way to get me booze. I start to feel slightly bad. I also started to get persuaded by his coaking tone of voice. I decided to text him, and say that I missed his calls because I fell asleep. He instantly calls me, and I answer. After a heated discussion back and forth, I agree to get in a cab and come to the party, if he will pay for the cab. I grab a twenty just in case, and make the call.

When I arrive at the house, no one runs out to pay the cabby, and feeling bad I reluctantly extract my twenty and pay the driver. I climb out of the cab, and call M's cell phone. I don't know which townhouse exactly the party is supposed to be at. He comes to the door of one, and I make my way over. I enter, and see a bunch of people I've never seen before. It's kind of awkward, but I do my best to be friendly, and come across as a cool chick. I think I succeeded. M grabs me a beer, which I chug quickly, so that I can get more into the party mood. He gives me an impressed look, and fetches me another...and another...and a few more. I down 5 beers in an hour or so. I am drunk. This is sufficient to me. I chat up M's guy friends, and I can tell the one is developing a crush on me. You can always tell by the way a guy looks at you. It's slightly awkward, so I try to avoid him after I make the realization.

People start to leave, and M leads me upstairs to a bedroom. I follow willingly. Remember, I am pretty sloshed at this point. Yada yada yada, he tells me he's going to go get a bottle of water. I am very thirsty, so this sounds lovely. He leaves. I hear him go down the stairs. I snuggle down in the blankets of the bed, wrapping the sheets around me, and turn to watch the TV that he had left on. The new song by Bow Wow and Omarion is playing, and I dig it. Suddenly the door opens. I turn to look, expecting to see M. It's the guy that I suspected had a crush on me. He has nothing but boxers on, and a raging boner to boot. I pull the blankets tightly around me.
"What the hell are you doing?!" I half scream at him.
"M told me to come sleep in here with you. He's passed out in my bed..."
"What?!"
"He's passed out in my bed...and he told me to come sleep with you."
He makes a move to pull the sheets back. I'm not sure if he's trying to get a look at my naked body, or if he is trying to get into the bed.
I push his hand away. "What the hell are you doing?! You are not getting into this bed with me!"
"I have to! I have no where else to sleep! M told me to come here! He told me to!"
"Like hell he did!"
"He did!"
"Seriously?" I ask.
"Seriously!" he says, "Go look in my room!"
"No way. No. NO! If he wants to sleep in your room, you can go sleep with him. You guys can spoon all night. No one is sleeping with me. I will sleep alone."
"No," he says. He makes a grab for the blanket again. This time I can tell he wants to try to get a look at me. I gather the blankets tight under my boobs, and punch him in the chest.
"Get the FUCK out of here. NOW!" I scream.
"Okay, okay..." he says, and reluctantly backs out. He closes the door behind him.
I stare straight ahead for a moment, totally mind blown. What just happened? Did that guy seriously try to get into bed with me? Did he SERIOUSLY have that huge of a boner?! What the HELL was going on. If M seriously told him to try that...I felt like I was going to KILL him. I was fuming mad. I've never been madder. Or more horrified and embarrassed. I grabbed my clothes off the floor, and pulled them on hastily. I left the room as quietly as I could, and walked downstairs. I had to find M.
I found him in the basement, trying to open a thing of water bottles.
"DID YOU JUST TELL A GUY TO TRY TO GET INTO BED WITH ME?" I ask him indignantly.
He stares at me, dumbstruck. "What?!" he says.
I explain what just happened.
"Which guy. Which one..." he asks.
I lead him upstairs, and point to the room.
He stands there a moment, looking like he wants to go in.
I look at him, uneasy. I don't want this to get worse. I want this to be over. I want to pretend this didn't happen. I feel so dirty and ashamed. I think that the guy could have raped me....it all starts to hit me fast. I walk back into the room I was in before. I am done with this. I get into bed...and lay there....and think....

Some other stuff happened, but I'd rather not get into it at this point. It was a weird situation, and honestly I can't believe it happened. After that night, I knew I could never be around M again, without feeling supremely used and disgusting. So that's how it ended with M. He tried to text me this past Thursday, with the standard "what are you doing" line. I was sleeping, and didn't get it till the morning, but if I had have gotten it, I still would not have replied. No way. He's a supreme douche bag, and so are all his dirty friends.

Now.....

Would you like to hear another story? Alright.

The following night, Saturday of last weekend, I went out to a club with my friend Steph, and some of her other friends. I didn't know the other girls too well, but we still managed to have a decent time. Anyways, the night was going alright, nothing special. Around 1, I started to get really bored, and started talking to Steph about possibly leaving. We decided to go to the bathroom, and then come back and discuss convincing our friend Sebastian to drive us home. As I was walking back from the bathroom, however, I noticed someone extraordinarily sexy. It was Hot English Guy (or HEG as I like to affectionately call him). He spotted me too, and we shared a moment of "hey-its-you". I smiled at him coyly, lowering my eyes in a shy manner, and walked past him.
"Hey!" he said, and he grabbed my arm.
My breath caught in my throat. I didn't think he would do that.
I stop, and turn to face him.
He smiles, this super dreamy, Abercrombie smile. I melt.
"Nice English presentation," he says.
I laugh out loud. Very loudly. I can't believe he used that again, and I tell him as much.
He looks meekly at me, and says he didn't know what else to say to get my attention. I laugh, and ask him to dance.
We move onto the dance floor, and before I know it, we're wrapped around each other, making out like two teens at lunch time. It's hot.
I end up going back with him to his place, but don't worry, it's totally G rated. We just talked, kissed, and did some heavy petting. It was pretty nice.
In the morning, I had to go to a meeting at the Library, so I left when he was sleeping. Kind of sketch, but whatever.

It was a pretty solid night. If anything, it was the ego boost I needed to assure myself that I am hot enough to get whatever guy I desire. If I could get a guy as hot as HEG, then I can get anyone. So it served a purpose that way.

Okay. I have one more story I need to get off my chest before I can end this post. Bear with me.

Formal was this Saturday. It was a pretty fun affair, despite the misgivings that I had. Long story short, the Education Student Teacher Associate mislead us about the bus ride situation to the hotel that the formal was going to be held at, and I became the prime voice of criticism. It got rather ugly, and in the end I think I made a lot of enemies on ESTA. However, I had a lot of people backing me, so I think I was in the right. After dinner, I was mingling with some friends, when a strange girl walks up to me.
"Was everything satisfactory to you?" she asks me.
"Sure..." I said, rather puzzled.
"Good, because I wouldn't want you to start another riot after the night was over..." she says to me, her voice dripping with sarcasm. Suddenly I realize who she is. She's one of the girls on ESTA. I am creeped out that she took the time to stalk me on Facebook to figure out who I am.
"No, it was good....I was never complaining about the entire event, just about the way the bus situation was mismanaged..." I offer.
"Yah well, that bus service was COMPLIMENTARY, so you really have no right to complain" she spits at me.
"Fine." I say. I stare at her, hard. She stares back. I refuse to back down, and take a firm step towards her. She starts to get nervous, and backs away.
"Okay..." she says, and turns and walks away.
I smile at her retreating back, feeling victorious.

Later that night, the dancing took place. I love to dance, so I was tearing up the floor with Alicia and Steph, and a few other girls. My friend Adam came to dance with me, and we started to grind. I was just being friendly, not thinking anything of it. I guess I was giving him the wrong impression though, because he whispered in my ear that he wanted me to come back with him to his room. I laughed at him, and told him he'd already had me, and it wasn't that good. He shook his head, saying it WAS that good, and that he wanted to spend time with me before we left. I stopped dancing, and tried to laugh his comment off. I made a few jokes, about how he had a girlfriend, and what kind of girl did he think I was....but he looked at me, dead serious, and told me that he wanted me to come with him. He told me that he thought I was amazing, and admitted that he got jealous when other guys talked to me, or when he thought about me being with other guys. Again, I tried to laugh it off.
"I love you, Krista" he said, putting his arm around my shoulder, and kissing my forehead.
I started to panic.
"Oh Addy, I love you too...like a brother,"I said. I disengaged from him, saying I had to pee, and ran away.
As I was fleeing, I ran into C. As you may recall, C was my crush. I was delighted to see him. He took my hand, and asked me to dance. I was overjoyed! He pulled me into the dance floor, walking into the middle, and we proceeded to cut the rug. He pulled me close a bunch of times, and my heart was a flutter with happiness. The rest of the night we danced, cheek to cheek. I couldn't have been happier. I thought I was making excellent progress. I resolved to tell him about my feelings for him, at his party on Friday. Suddenly, Alicia was there, telling me we had to go. I blew C a kiss, and reluctantly we left.

The next day, I was gushing to Sebastian about how wonderful the night had been.
"Bad news..." he said.
I swallowed hard.
"What is it?" I asked.
"I was talking to Sarah (C's roommate), and she said that C isn't interested in you at all, but that he likes the attention. She was pretty upset that he was leading you on, cuz she think's you're a nice girl"
I was devastated. I'm not even going to try and hide that. I thought I had made real progress with C, and here it was, totally blown up. He didn't like me at all. He just liked how I lavished attention on him. What an asshole. He was content to lead me on, just to have an ego boost. I've been bitterly angry ever since hearing this. I'm still bitter, and disheartened about men. I don't think I am a bad catch at all. I'm attractive, fun to be around, smart, driven...how could he not like me? And conversely, how could someone like Adam, who has a girlfriend, be in love with me? It's not fair! Life is not fair!

But anyways, I will reflect more on this later. I just wanted to get those stories out of me.

Cheers!