On Wishing My Ex Would Grow Up

Last night was the Bx93 Dance Party. For those of you in the dark, Bx93 is a country music radio station that broadcasts out of London, and covers a large part of southwestern Ontario. Personally, I don't listen to the station, since I am not a huge fan of country music. However, they tour the towns and cities in their broadcast range, throwing these video dance parties. They are usually a big "to do" in small towns like the one I am from, since they serve cheap drinks and you get to dance to your hearts content. I had been to one previous to the event last night, and had had a rip-roaring good time. It's like a big dance club, albeit country, comes to a small town; it's a crowd pleaser. It was such a hyped night, that my friend Steph (from Lakehead) came down, to go with me. We were hyped about if weeks ago.

I found out early in the afternoon that Adam, my ex, was going to be in attendance. I was slightly nervous when I found out, because the last time we went to the same party, it didn't end well for me. I sat outside, crying my eyes out, because I realized I still had feelings for the asshole, and he hated my very existence. It was a terrible experience, that made me feel weak and stupid. I had a bad feeling the situation would be repeated, if I saw him at the Bxer.

Steph and I left for the dance at 10. It was fairly packed when we got there, but none of my friends, nor my sister, had arrived yet. We got some drinks, and took a seat near the front door to watch the people arriving. We waited about 15 minutes, and then I saw Adam. He was wearing a dark blue, pin striped shirt with a yellow tie, and black pants. The last time I saw him, he had a lame handle-bar mustache. Tonight he was mostly clean shaven, with a little bit of day growth stubble. I would be lying if I didn't say I thought he looked madly attractive. I pointed him out to Steph, who made the comment that he was hot. I grinned, feeling pleased that she was impressed, and then frowned because he was not mine to feel pride over. I was instantly awash with feelings of nervousness. I wanted to speak to him, which was mostly the booze in me talking. I asked Steph if she wanted to go stand closer to the door instead of sitting. This was a lame attempt on my part to get closer to him, since he was standing with some of the guys in the area I was hoping to go to. I think she was on to me, but she agreed anyways. We walked over to a pole, and loitered by it. I kept one eye on the door, and one on Adam. I couldn't stop looking, even though I really didn't want to be looking. Worst, I didn't want to be caught looking. However, I kept entertaining the idea that he'd look at me, and we'd share this look...and maybe he'd realize how ravishingly beautiful I am, come take me in his arms, and we'd run happily ever after into the future.

Any notions like this were quickly dashed though. I got too bold, and sauntered over to Brodie (one of Adam and I's mutual friends), dragging Steph with me. I used the excuse of asking Brodie if he had heard from our friend Mike. He looked at me awkwardly, his eyes constantly darting towards Adam. Adam wouldn't look directly at Brodie and I, but his body language conveyed that he knew I was there, and he wasn't pleased. Our friend Aron, who I would say is Adam's man-love (the guy worships the ground Adam walks on, for some reason), rolled his eyes at Adam and then shot me a "what the hell are you doing here" sceptical look.
"No...I haven't heard from Mike at all tonight," Brodie said to me. He kept shifting back and forth, clearly uncomfortable. I started to bristle a little. I wasn't able, and I still am not able to, comprehend why my being there would be so severely uncomfortable for him.
"Oh, okay," I said. Then I pulled Steph forward, and made a brief introduction. I had told him last week I would be bringing a friend, and he was friendly as pie then, saying he looked forward to meeting her. He shook her hand, and continued to pace a bit. I could tell he was trying not to offend me, by the look on his face. It was obvious I had put him in an awkward position, because as much as he wanted to be friendly to Steph and myself, his allegiance to Adam was restricting him. I grew angrier at the situation by the minute. Steph and Brodie made small talk, while I tried to catch Adam's eye. Any ideas I had previously entertained of him falling back in love with me had flown the coop by this point. I just wanted to confront him on his outrageous behaviour now. When he finally did turn his gaze in my direction, I did the girliest thing possible; I balked from my angry stance, and instantly melted into a shy darling. I lowered my lids, and then looked up at him like a fucking school girl. I'm ashamed to admit that I instantly lost all the anger that had accumulated, and would have forgiven him any indiscretion in that moment, if he had just smiled at me. Instead, he gave me a look I knew too well as his girlfriend - though the look had rarely been directed at me then. My heart broke into a million little pieces, with this one look. I know I blushed, and I stared at the floor, feeling utterly out of place. I touched Stephs arm, and indicated that I wanted to leave the area. She said goodbye to Brodie, and did the "nice to meet you" thing, while I started to side step away. As I was turning tail to leave, I heard Adam say something to his friends. I couldn't make it out, but the tone was unimpressed. I did, however, catch Aron's reply...

"She's nothing but a cheating whore..."

I'm sure I paled instantly. Steph looked at me, and I said "Did you hear that?
"Yah...." she said, her smile fading into a concerned frown.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
I stood still a moment, taking in what I had heard. Adam and his friends were laughing at Aron's comment. My mind was reeling with thoughts. I was so deeply hurt by what he had said, for a number of reasons. The first reason is that this is someone who claims to be my friend. We had a discussion in the summer, when I asked him whether or not we could be friends, given the stance Adam has taken concerning me (re: intense hatred). He told me, point blank, that we COULD be friends, but that he was first and fore-most Adam's friend. He had said that he had no problem with me, and the only thing was that Adam wasn't happy to know that Brodie and himself hung out with me, but that he'd get over it. Clearly this had been a lie. If he was truly my friend, and if he truly had nothing against me, why would he say something so hurtful? The second thing that concerned me about what he said was that if he could say that within hearing range of me, what did they say about me when I WASN'T around? Was this a common theme amongst then, regarding me? Do they really think I am nothing more than a whore? My worst fear is to have people talk poorly about me in that manner. There is no word in the English language that I hate more than "whore". It is so degrading, and has no male equivalent.

After my moment of shock passed, I turned and continued to walk away. I had to blink repeatedly to avoid crying. My eyes burned with the effort. Eventually, those feelings of shame and hurt passed, and the anger started to return. Why would these guys, who claimed to be my friend when Adam wasn't around, let him act in such a manner? Why would they perpetuate this stupidity? By ignoring me, and being rude to me when Adam is around, they are only facilitating his childish behaviour. One of them should put a stop to this, but bringing me over, and trying to integrate me into the conversation. This would force Adam to realize that he is acting like an immature brat. You cannot hold such a grudge against a person, for so long, especially when you have mutual friends in the mix. But that will never happen, because these guys are so cowed into following Adams every order, and they will never stand up against him. Not a single one of them will ever call him on his behaviour. I know the situation makes them feel awkward, but they LET it take place. They let it continued to be awkward, by allowing him to dictate what they do. I cannot, for the life of me, understand why they allow him to act in such a way. If the roles were reversed, and they were ignoring Adam, I wouldn't stand for it. I would tell them that the past is the past, and even though I dislike him a lot, I am not going to let it affect EVERYONE. For fuck sake, we broke up 3 years ago. THREE YEARS! How can this shit still be causing so much stress to EVERYONE!? Why do they let him continue this idiocy!? I just don't get it.

I also know that nothing that I say will make the situation better. I've told the guys a million times I am cool with everything, and I would not make a scene if we all hung out, Adam included. I would be chill as fuck. He is the only one causing all this awkwardness. He is the only one that will not let go. Admittedly, I am still in love with the asshole, and he hates me. I'm sure that makes it difficult. But then again, I don't understand the hatred he feels for me. He is in a relationship. He should be happy and secure enough to realize that I did the right thing breaking up with him (that should be his perspective, anyways. Mine is that breaking up was a mistake...but that point is mute in this argument). If he is secure in his relationship, doesn't it make sense that he would be less angry at me? I'm not entirely sure how to verbalize my defense on this matter.....but I hope some of what I'm trying to say comes across. The fact that he hates me so much makes me think it's a cover. A ruse. Hatred and love are not far removed. Perhaps, and this is my insane theory, he hates me so much because he is afraid to let his guard down. He's afraid that if he allows himself to be friends with me, he will fall in love with me again. I entertain ideas that he is still attracted to me, physically, and therefore creates a barrier of hatred to keep himself from falling back to me. Again, this is just my wild opinion on the matter. I will admit my bias; I still have feelings for him. I know my parents would never be happy if I got back together with him, and neither would his parents. But sometimes I seriously think he was the one. Seeing him last night, I felt that way again. I wanted him so bad. Not sexually (well a little I did), but mostly I wanted to possess him again. I wanted to be able to say "this is mine". I wanted him back. As much as I tried to convince myself that I didn't, I did. Even when I was fuming mad at the way he was treating me, I wanted him. I would take him back. I don't understand it.

I really wish that someone will come and replace him. Sometimes I think that is the problem. I haven't met anyone since we broke up that I could see myself falling madly in love with. I need to meet that one guy, that one guy that will sweep me off my feet, because until I find him, I will continue to love a man who scorns my very existence.

It's a sad state of affairs...