On My Ongoing Issues Of The Male Variety

Well, I was definitely on to something in my last post, when I discussed the possibility of putting the kibosh on hanging out with G. I haven't heard from him since my snarky "whatever" final text message response. In all fairness, I really don't care THAT much; the only thing that really bothers me is the abruptness of the end. While there wasn't anything to end, I still feel I warranted a "let's just be friends" talk. Or, failing that a "you repulse me, and here are my reasons why" talk. That way, I would have at least known exactly what was to blame. Although...I was thinking through the whole situation moments ago, and I came up with the theory that perhaps he thinks I am mad at him, and perhaps he is waiting for me to make the first move of apology, or whatever the first move would be called in this case. I'm at a loss. However, what it all boils down to is the fact that I am simply not interested in putting in the effort to make the first move, to ask what went wrong. I knew from the get-go that there was no long-lasting chemistry. If anything, I was willing to perhaps try a few weeks and see if something developed. However, my idea of trying does not involve any strenuous work on my part; he has to come to me. I rarely make more effort than the man at the start of any "relationship". That way, I never run the risk of coming off as "clingy", or any of the other horrible things girls get called when they are constantly bothering their new fling to spend time with them. While I may want to spend a lot of my time with a new guy, I always restrain myself and ensure that he's the one asking me for my time, and not the other way around. Tell me if I'm in the wrong, in taking this approach. I'd love to hear some other opinions on the matter.

I don't claim to be the be-all-end-all of relationships, or how to work them. In fact, I've got nothing but failed relationships under my belt. However, I'd like to think that the failures have made me wiser; I know not what to do through trial and error. Often, I find that I can give excellent advice to both my male and female friends, due to my extensive experience in failed relationships. I've had one major one, and a plethora of minor ones, and I've learnt something from every one.

But I digress.

What I wanted to say was that things with G ended before they began, and here I am, back at the beginning with nothing to show for it. It's immensely frustrating, because I've never felt better about myself, physically and mentally. I'm down to 130 lbs - having been at an all time high of 148 in December - and I am hard as a fucking rock. I even fit into my elusive skinny dress pants; the ones in which the zipper broke when I tried to wear them last placement. I feel fabulous about my body for the first time in ages.

I also think I've got sexy down pat, with the addition of my extensions. I honestly feel like a whole other woman when I put them in. They give me so much more confidence, because they finally allow me to look the way I want to look. I go out on the town, and I exude confidence like it's an expensive perfume.

And yet...

...I fail to attract the attention of any males. Or rather, I fail to attract the attention of the males I want to attract. For example, I've recently seen "P" out on the town, and while I had spurned his lame MSN attempts to get with me in the past (labelling him as a perverted creep), I find myself kind of attracted to him. I'm not sure if it was my years away from this town, but I sure do find him much more sexy than I recalled him being. Maybe it's the fact that he looks like a man now, and not a little boy. Maybe it's because in high school I always considered him short...only to realize that he was only short in relation to Adam, who happened to be 6'4". Turns out, upon closer inspection, P is actually taller than me. He's likely of average male height. Hmm. I find his quite sexy. Anyways. I've seen him out a few times, and have always lost all confidence, and failed to approach him. He strikes me as a tad shy as well, so nothing has gone on there. I even drunk MSN'd him, one night. That resulted in my getting his cell phone number. However, as we should all be aware, that does nothing for me, since I am clearly of the belief that the man must make the first move. What's a girl to do? Break her own rules? I'm not sure I am ready to do that. Maybe in a few weeks I will.

Here's another interesting tidbit; a male opinion on my predicament.

I was talking to my friend Dave the other day, and he told me that I am being far too picky. He asked me if I was attracted to any of the single males that I knew in town. Unsure of what he was asking, I told him that, for the most part I was not attracted to any of the single guys I knew. He replied by saying that he felt sorry for me. Perplexed, I asked him what he meant.
"Well, I know a ton of single guys that would die to have a chance with you. They would make you very happy...but you're not willing to see these guys for who they are, because you're too picky. What are you looking for?"
I was floored by his response. I will admit to being picky, sure, but to be totally oblivious to the fact that "tons" of single guys that I knew had serious crushes on me...well that was news to me. However, as I started to think about it, I realized what he was implying.
"Are you implying that guys that I am friends with would kill for a chance to date me?" I asked him.
"Well, the best relationships come from friendships," he replied.
Ugh. Not that chestnut again. If I've learnt anything from life in general, it's that you never date friends. Ever. I don't care what anyone says, it is a huge mistake. If the idea of fate is right, and we are only meant to meet one person in our lives, if we date our friends, chances are they will NOT be that one person. As such, you will undoubtedly break up, putting strain on the friendship that used to exist, as well as all the friendships around you. It's a horribly messy situation, and one that I will never involve myself in.
I tried to raise this point with Dave, but he seemed fairly unwilling to accept my stance. I think he increasingly sees me for what I am; a vain, picky, and yet horribly insecure young woman, who truly has no idea what she really wants.

I know vaguely what I want; I want companionship, and someone to tell me nice things, hold my hand, rub my back, and give me hugs and kisses until I fall asleep at night. I want all the icky disgusting sappy shit, but at the same time I want my space. I want a guy who is nice, but has his asshole moments; tension can be kind of exciting, now and again. If he was too nice, it would get boring and stale. He needs to keep me on my feet, just like I need to keep him on his. I want someone who is athletic, and has a sexy body; I am working on mine, so the least he can do is work on his. Nothing hardcore, but lean is always good. I want a man who has a career, not a job. Again, whatever I can offer, I want given back to me. I don't think I am asking too much, but clearly it is too much for this town to handle. I doubt I can find someone who can fill those qualities in this small town. Maybe the problem is that I need to escape it. I'm not entirely sure how possible that is though...

...but anyways. It's getting late (for me). I'm off to bed now. I realize that this post didn't have much direction - it really was a rambling of my thoughts - so I apologize for that. I'll attempt to be more coherent in the future.

Cheers.