On The State of Confusion

So lately I've really struggled with what is going on with my life. Obviously, professionally I know where I am going; at least I have deluded myself into thinking I know what's going on professionally. Maybe I really have no clue. Maybe I am fooling myself. I'd like to think I'm not, though. I believe in my potential. I believe that I am a good teacher, and therefore I deserve to teach. I think I have a lot of people on my side, who will do what it takes to get me a job in the near future. However, maybe I am placing too much trust in other peoples hands. This isn't to suggest that I am not taking control of my own future; I am doing all that I can to apply to teaching positions right now. I'm not doing nothing, on that front. However, I must admit that I am relying a lot of the help of the teachers in my school right now. They have a lot of confidence in me, and have voiced, on more than one occasion, their desire to help me get a job. They also state quite adamantly that I will be employed, because I am too good not to be. So I am basing a lot of my professional optimism in their comments. Hopefully I am not deluding myself.

But that's not what I intended to rant about today. I wanted to rant about how frustrating boys are. Again, I want to emphasize the fact that I used the word boys, and not men. I am seriously starting to doubt whether men actually exist. Where are all these elusive men? Are they already snagged up by women smarter than me? Is it seriously possible that there are NO men around these parts? I don't know what to believe...but in my personal experience it sure seems like there are no real men in the world. The boys around here are strong on the head game. I see it constantly; they sweet talk girls as if the sun rises and falls on them. They pull out all the stops in their pursuit...however, little do you know they're pulling out the stops on all other girl at the same time. I've had personal experience with this problem twice in the past week. WEEK! I kid you not. Now, mind you, none of the guys who were sweet talking me had a chance in HELL of scoring with me. I was turning them down every chance I got. However, that didn't stop them from pursuing me to the n'th degree. They tried HARD. I didn't think too much of it, until I started talking to my friend Christine, who informed me that both these fellows were hitting on her, quite aggressively. Shocked that they would be pulling the same moves on her, I told her what they'd been saying to me, and after comparing stories, we discovered that these guys were both trying to run their hardball game on us. Now, you should know that Christine and I had been out on the town three weekends in a row. Both of these guys saw us together. They know we are friends. So why, I have to wonder, would they think we wouldn't TELL each other about their aggressive attempts to pick us up?! These guys aren't friends, so I know they're not collaborating. That'd be weird. But they should both be smart enough to realize that girls talk to each other. We talk about guys, and their horrid attempts to get into our pants. I couldn't believe they would be so stupid as to think we wouldn't talk about getting hit on. When we tried to confront them on it, they each denied their involvement with the other girl. They tried to play the "cool friend" card, but to no avail. Neither Christine nor I are stupid enough to fall for that shit. Not that they had a chance in the first place. However, the fact remains that two guys, totally unbenounced to each other, tried to hit on the SAME two girls...and thought nothing of it. In fact, the one guy even has a girlfriend. What a joke. Boys like this are the reason I have so little faith in the male sex. They are absolutely pathetic.

Actually, what it really makes me think is that they have no respect for women. Clearly they are treating Christine and I as objects. They think if they sweet talk us enough we will sleep with them. Let's be honest, that's all guys want from girls, if they're running a game like that. It disgusts me. I am worth more than a few cheap words. So is Christine. Ugh. Boys make me feel sick to my stomach sometimes.

And then there is the whole "G" situation. I'd rather not go into detail on it, so long story (well not too long, really)short is that we hung out Friday night. I was pretty tired from school, and he was tired from work, so I ended up sleeping there. I didn't intend to at all, but it just kind of happened. Anyways, he was actually a really cute person to sleep with, because he is very cuddly. I mean, VERY cuddly. I've never been with someone who was so cuddly. I would move in the middle of the night, and he would always pull me in and hold me. It was kind of cute. In the morning he gave me a ride home, and said he'd talk to me later..."maybe tonight". However, when I got drunk Saturday night and text messaged him, I didn't get a response. I haven't heard from him since. Not that it's a long time to go without hearing from anyone...and not that we're very involved...I'm still slightly peeved. I'm not sure why, but I am. I find it weird how he can draw me back in, in one night...considering I was pretty detached from the situation a week ago. I'm not sure what it is, but he has this weird bad boy charm that kind of sucks me back in. I've got my guard up though, because I'm increasingly told that he's not as innocent as he seems, and that I should be careful. So I will be. I've got my eyes open. For right now though, I will take what comes, and just enjoy life as it is.

Cheers.