On Feeling Down In The Dumps (In Brief)

I don't really feel like I have the time, or the engery, to go into an elaborate blog today. However, I feel like I have been neglecting writing in here lately, and its not for a lack of time. More likely, it is a lack of effort. I've been so down in the dumps lately, that I just don't feel I can exert myself to come on here, and spill the beans. I also must admit that I feel some shame in myself, since most of what I would complain about is petty and irrational. All of it, I might add, has to do with the boy.

You see, I thought things were going pretty well with K. His friends all gushed about how he liked me, and how he hasn't been "this into a girl" in years. I couldn't have been happier to hear this news, and for awhile it put me in good spirits. However, his actions did not betray his feelings to me. While he still invites me out with him and his buddies at least one day per weekend (I should stress that I never see him during the week. I always rationalize to myself that he's a busy boy; he works all day, bikes a lot of nights, and he doesn't live in the same town as me. These are my excuses for his not wanting to see me during the week...). He used to make an effort to message me once a day on Facebook, MSN, or via text messaging. I say used to though, because the past two weeks have seen a decline in any outreach on his part towards me. No more Facebook messages, very little MSN chat (he's rarely even on), and I have to instigate all the text messaging. It's frustrating, because I have this dull but persistant feeling that perhaps he is growing tired of me. I've been in his shoes before, and I know how it goes down. I haven't been the one to get the shaft in years though...and I must admit that it hurts more than I had anticipated.

That said, I could also be acting very "girlish" in jumping to this conclusion. We had a talk on Friday, where he told me that he's just not the best at committments (typical red flag, I am aware), and that he's always been a bit "chill" in his relationships. Casual is just who he is, and I should get used to it. I am constantly trying to keep this in mind, but I can't help but doubt the validitiy of his statements. I think for the right girl, he'd smarten up. Clearly I'm not that girl. If I am, he's got a lot of learning to do, because his actions sure do serve to push me away. He told me he likes me, and wants to keep seeing me...so maybe I should just take a chill pill, and take this thing at face value. It won't go anywhere past September, and this I already know. Even if I wasn't leaving for England, I wouldn't let him go into his first year of College with a girlfriend. That's just not fair to him; he needs to be totally free to have fun. So this thing was going to have a time limit, no matter what. That said, I can't help the feelings I have for him. I am rational enough to know I have to let go in September, and I don't forsee a problem there at all. I'm looking forward to going to England and meeting a lot of hot English men, and getting my mad flirt on. I will be bringing my A game, to be sure. I'm not worried about September. However, I am worried about now. I like him now. I want to hang out with him, now. I want to do crazy things to his body, cuz I find him irresistable (very very attracted to the kid, what can I say). I dunno why he can't be down with that...more often ha ha ha!

Ah well...he invited me to go to a wedding with him this weekend. Although...I am having doubts about it. You see, he asked me when he was drunk, and I'm not sure if, sober, he means it. I am too afraid to ask him if he still wants me to come...so I am waiting for him to give me some more information. I went and bought a modest (35 dollar) dress for the event. It's super casual, nothing special, but I still want to look good (for him). I don't really want the dress to go to waste...although if I don't go to the wedding, I could always wear it next weekend when I go to Andie's Goodbye party...so I suppose not all is lost. Anyways, hopefully his invitation as sincere. If it is, its a step in the right direction. I will feel a lot more secure, knowing that he wants me around for these kinds of things.

I like him a lot, and it's driving me crazy, cuz I just want to know he likes me back. Security until September would be fabulous. I don't think that is a lot to ask, but perhaps it is...

We'll talk later...

Cheers