On Being Lonely (For Male Attention)

This past weekend really highlighted for me the fact that a) I am getting old and b) I am not as confident as I want to be when I am sober. I usually like to have people believe that I am this cocky, confident, straight talking sassy minx; deep down I know that much of this is false bravado, because underneath it all I am just the same old small town girl from Tillsonburg. Underneath it all, I harbour really deep insecurities about myself, and it seems since moving back to Tillsonburg I've really reverted back into this high school coward that I once was. The worst thing is, I still project this self assured outward appearance, which only further isolates me from everyone, because I look so damned unapproachable.

I went to the bar Friday and Saturday night. Friday night it was pretty dead downtown, but I drank an entire bottle of wine at home, and then proceeded to polish off about 4 rum and cokes once I got downtown. Suffice it to say, I was licked. More licked than I've been in a fair while. I went with my sister, Sheena, and her friend Holly. The first stop was the one and only pub in town, the Copper Mug. It's a decent place to go sit down, and have a drink or two. It's not a very large pub though; if you've been to Guelph, it is comparable to Doogies (minus the hole in the wall where you can see into Pablos. We were sitting there, when we saw two guys who are a year older than me; Mike and Andrew Kamenar. They're cousins, not brothers. Andrew is shorter, stalky, with dark hair. He's attractive in his own way, definitely He's not ugly at all. Mike is gorgeous though. He's tall, blond, and hot as fuck all. He is also in teachers college right now, in the U.S. I believe. He just started (or finished, I can't remember which) his second placement in Windsor. I decided that this was the perfect opportunity to move in on him; we have something in common! So I started to chat him up, and was being super flirty. After awhile, we all decided to head down to the Royal (the bar) and see if more people were there. So we're walking over, and my sister is suddenly all over Mike. Once we got into the bar, she sat beside him and was all handsy and super flirty. Any headway I had made was totally out the window. Suffice it to say, I was hurt and disappointed. She had totally moved in on me. I didn't think she could be so oblivious to what I was doing. Holly even leaned over and said "Man, you must be pissed...you did all that footwork and now Sheena is coming in and taking him away." I grumbled my disapproval, and proceeded to sulk in my chair.

Then Sheena and Mike were gone. Holly and I looked all over outside, trying to find them, and we couldn't. It was fairly obvious to me that they likely ran off somewhere to make out or something. I doubt I am being over dramatic in saying that. I know how it goes. Fuming even more, I returned to my seat. However, as I was sitting there, THE hottest young thing in town spots me, and comes over to chat me up. His name is Ryan, and I believe he is 20 or 21. He's a fucking dreamboat and a half, let me tell you. This kid was the star athlete in EVERYTHING he did in high school, which means he is in amazing shape. He's got to be something like 6'2" or so, with naturally blond hair (and when I say blond, I mean like the most beautiful shade of blond ever). None of that mousy blondness. He's dutch, so you know it's the fabulous kind of blond. It's short, and spiked a bit...just the way I like it. I have always thought he had the All-American good looks down to a T. He's stunning. Anyways, for some background information, I saw him out last weekend and we chatted a bit, and I managed to get some lame flirting in. So when he came up to me AGAIN on Friday, I was pretty stoked. All thoughts about my frustration with Sheena and Mike evaporated. He bought me a drink, and then went to talk to his buddies.

Not satisfied with the transaction, I debated with Holly what to do next. I wanted to talk to him some more. She told me to just go over, but lately I've been having mega confidence issues in Tillsonburg, and I couldn't bring myself to be so forward (whereas in Thunder Bay or Guelph, I would have sauntered over, and got my flirt on). So I decided to buy him a drink...I walked over, and whispered into his ear, asking him what he was drinking. He told me he was drinking Rye and Ginger, so I grabbed one for him. I gave it to him, and he thanked me, giving me this megawatt SUPER hot smile. We chatted for a bit...my drunken mind doesn't recall a lot of the conversation, but I swear to GOD he asked me if I would ever go on a date with him. I told him I would, and then he said he would call me some time. I asked him if he had my number, and he said that if he really wanted it, he could find it. Then some other girl came running up, and I kind of got pushed out of the circle. Dejected, I walked back to the table where Holly was sitting. While I was gone, Sheena and Mike magically reappeared. They were being all disgusting, whispering to each other, and laughing, and touching. I looked back at Ryan, longingly, wishing I could get out of this private hell.

Eventually Andrew and Mike took off. Sheena and I decided to walk home. We stopped at Pizza Pizza to grab a slice. As we were sitting in the restaurant, her phone rings. Apparently it was Mike, asking her to come to his place. I nearly died. She said she couldn't go. Wanting to be the good sister, I told her to go.
"Really?" she asked.
"Yah, you should go...I will tell Mom and Dad you stayed at Holly's. I got your back"
She eagerly took me up on my offer. We ate our pizza, and then she hopped into a cab. I started walking back home, which is literally five minutes down the street. I should have been fine. Instead, and please keep in mind the fact that I was straight licked, I started to cry. Hard crying. I just felt so horribly rejected and alone. I was angry that my sister could swoop in and take a guy I was clearly trying to flirt with. I was angry that my lame attempts to get Ryan to notice me when virtually unnoticed. I was just plain upset at being alone. I cried the entire way home. Not wanting to go into the house crying, I leaned against my Dads car in the driveway, and cried some more. At one point I sank to the ground, and sat there on the driveway, against my Dads car, balling my eyes out. I wanted to talk to someone, and knowing that it was late, I decided not to call Andrea and wake her up. I called Rachelle instead, because I knew she was working and would likely be awake, or just have gotten home. So I called her, and thankfully she was around to talk to me. We had a rather lengthy conversation (at least it felt lengthy at the time) that really helped me feel better. Rachelle, if you're reading this, thanks a bunch for listening to my extreeeeemely drunk ranting and raving. Also, sorry that I cried on the phone. (P.S. I was being serious when I said I would come to Guelph and hold your hand, if you ever need it!)

Anyways, after I got off the phone with Rachelle, I went into the house, and climbed into bed. I texted Sheena a really nasty message, that I realize I shouldn't have done. She called my cell instantly, and was extremely apologetic. I couldn't possibly stay mad at her, so I forgave her. Looking back at the situation now, I realize that while she shouldn't have swooped in on me (I certainly wouldn't have done it) if he was interested in ME he wouldn't have cared. Therefore, he clearly knew what he was doing, and made a conscious decision to pick my sister. I guess the better woman won, and I am fine with that decision now.

I still want in Ryan's pants though.

Which leads me to last night. IT WAS JAM PACKED downtown. I literally have never seen the bar so full in my life. You could hardly MOVE, it was so annoying. Getting a drink took twenty minutes. Not that I drank; after the last night, I was not in the mood to repeat the situation, so I decided to be the DD. Anyways, I saw a LOT of really super hot guys, but most of them didn't know who I was, and I wasn't about to go introduce myself AGAIN to them, especially not sober. Drunk Krista might have done it, but sober Krista was all about averting her eyes and shyly staring at the floor all night. Anyways, I didn't see Ryan until towards the end of the night. When I did see him, I was waaay too shy to go say hello to him. Sheena kept pushing me to go say hello, but I was staunchly refusing her, so she gave up. Soon after that, Sheena saw her friend from work, Britt, so we went over to talk to her. Now, this girl is 18, but since the bars in town don't check IDs she was drinking away the night. She was a nice girl, so it's all good. Anyways, I admitted to her that I had a crush on Ryan, and she squealed with delight. She told me she was good friends with him, and that I should go talk to him. Again, I waxed shyness, and refused.
"You look gorgeous! Why are you shy!? Lets go over!" she said.
So she grabbed my hand, and practically dragged me over to where he was. She threw her arms around him, and did the girly "HOW ARE YOU" thing that all young girls seem to do. I hung back, being retardedly shy. My sister kept pushing me towards Ryan, edging me forward with her fingers and her eyes. Finally he noticed me.
"HEY!!!" he said, opening his arms up wide for a hug. It was at this point I realized how drunk he was. He was at that point where your eyes don't really focus, and you can't stand still without swaying. Great.
He walked towards me, and threw his arms around me. I hugged him back. He instantly sank into me, leaning heavily on me. I'm way shorter than him, so this couldn't have been very comfortable for him.
"How are you?" he whispered into my ear, his head planted firmly on my shoulder.
"I'm good, how are you, drunky?" I teased back.
We kinda talked and joked this way, him leaning solidly on me in hug positon, for about two minutes. Then he pulled away, and attempted to stand up straight. We talked for a few minutes more, and then his drunken mind got sidetracked by a commotion his cousin was making behind him. I knew it was a lost cause, since he was so horribly hammered, so I let him stumble away. Britt was looking at me expectantly.
"SO?!" she asked me.
"Ah, you know what, he's so drunk, he has no idea what is going on. I don't think he's into me..." I replied.
Sheena and her both kind of laughed at me, and told me not to be so serious.

We spent the rest of the night wandering around the bar, while Sheena and Britt talked and flirted with virtually every guy there. Myself, I felt like such a third wheel, and I wasn't drunk so I couldn't jump into the conversations without feeling like a retard, so I stood behind them most of the night staring at the floor, or gazing around the bar taking in all the people. I talked briefly with Cole Carson (not related) about how "gorgeous" I turned out to be, which was slightly ego boosting (we went to high school together, and I was so shy and awkward then). He said it was amazing that the quiet girl I was then could be the outgoing girl I am now (he was basing this on my Facebook, which he said astounded him - the pictures especially. Good to know he creeped me. Ha!) I also kept making eyes at this really cute guy all night, from afar. Turns out he's going to be my sister and Britt's boss at their summer job at Courtland Gardens. His name is Paul, and he looked like date-able material. He hung out with the three of us for the last 30 minutes or so, until they turned the lights on. I mostly listened to the three of them discuss Courtland Garden, and smiled shyly at him from time to time.

Ryan came up one more time before he left. He touched my hair, gave me this adorable puppy dog face, and told me that I was beautiful. I shot him the most seductive look I could muster, and said thank you. Then he stumbled away. Not sure what to make of that.

Anyways, Sheena and Britt wanted Pizza Pizza, so I agreed to take them and then drive Britt home. Paul asked me if I could give him a ride home as well, and I happily consented. So we went to Pizza Pizza, and I finally got to enter the conversation. Anyways, lots of stuff was said, but the best thing was that...and I can't recall the context of the comment....but Paul said something about how he "fell in love with me the moment he saw me" and that I was "dead drop gorgeous". I wrote that right. He said dead drop gorgeous. I laughed at him, and asked him what dead drop gorgeous was. He looked at me, puzzled.
"Isn't it a turn of phrase?"
"Drop dead gorgeous is...you said dead drop gorgeous"
We all had a laugh over that.
He also told me he wanted to marry me, because I was so sweet. If only all men could see it. Ha ha ha.

Anyways, suffice it to say, it was a frustrating weekend of me vainly attempting to flirt with the sexiest boys in town, and getting no where. However, I now have a massive crush on Paul (though, fuck, it would appear Sheena does now too...and she will be working with him, so we all know who will win that contest). Ryan I doubt I could date, because he is TOO pretty, and we all know that the very pretty ones KNOW they are pretty, and hence dog it up. But Paul is cute, without being a playboy. He's not retardedly hot, just very small town, guy next store adorable. He seems date-able, like I said.

Oh, which reminds me. We were talking in the Pizza Pizza, and he asked me if it was normal to date someone two or three months and then realize you can't stand the other person. I nearly shit myself, because as we all know, that is MY problem! So we shared some opinions on that matter as well.

So....I'm hoping that perhaps one of these two insanely different fleeting moments will lead somewhere. I just want to have someone to shower me with compliments and attention. A male someone. If I had to pick, I'd want it to be Paul, since he seems like a nice guy, but Ryan would be GREAT for the ego too.

I'll keep you posted.