On Network Switches on Facebook, and the Deluge of Men

So I recently decided to make a pre-emptive network change on Facebook, and have switched from London, Ontario to London, United Kingdom. I also dropped my security features, so that people can find me. The way I see it, students don't even know about my existence yet, so they won't be searching for me. Once I start teaching, I will get those features back up and running. In the meantime, I want to be available to anyone overseas. Gotta make friends SOMEHOW! Also, I'm finding that the people I am talking to, in terms of finding housing, are keen to befriend me, and they've all asked for my Facebook, to get an idea of what I'm like as a person. So it made sense to drop the high level of security.

Well, I've been hit on a lot, since making the switch. Most of them have been duds, but there was one extraordinarily hot man that I've started to chat with. He's 31 though, but he certainly doesn't look that old. He's blonde, with a killer bod, and is a lead firefighter. Can you say rawr? Anyways, we're just kind of chatting it up, and he's giving me some advice on living in the area (he lives in Cambridge now, but he grew up in the village I will be teaching in). He hasn't really hit on me, which is pretty fabulous, but I definitely think he is buttering me up. Who knows, if he doesn't give me the creepy vibe before I depart, I may arrange for him to show me around the town. Can't win the lottery if you don't buy a ticket!

But enough of that! I have other news to disclose!

If you go back a few months, you will recall me talking about my friend Adam in Thunder Bay. The one that had a girlfriend, and was always hitting on me. You know...the one I'd fooled around with on more than one occasion, and whom I professed a certain "love" for? Yes, that Adam. Well, I get a message from him on MSN last night, saying that he is going to come to my goodbye party! AH! I am so excited for him to come! He's going to be bringing some of his friends, which will be fine, because it will mean more fun times! As it stands, the party will be mostly girls, or at least that's what I am thinking. Anyways, I am just amped that he wants to come and see me off. Secretly, I think I know why...I think he kind of feels the same way I do about the whole situation. We definitely had a spark of some sort, that we started to try and deny, because of his girlfriend. I think if he comes, and if he is attentive to me (which I think he will be, why else would he come all this way), that something may happen between us. Maybe one last go at it, before I leave the country. I know he still has a girlfriend, but I don't think that I will be able to stop myself. There is just something about him...something that is so irresistible to me. From the very first night we met, I wanted him....which is weird, because he's not stereotypically attractive. In fact, I'm thinking most of my friends won't even find him cute...but to me, he is stunning. Plus his personality wins me over, every time. He just makes me laugh. Ugh. If he does come, I can guarantee I will be totally smitten by him.

We'll have to wait and see how that plays out. Regardless, I was surprised that he is going to come, and remained amped about it. It's going to be an amazing night, I can feel it now.

There may be some awkwardness, as many of my former lovers will be present...but that's nothing I haven't coped with before. I just hold my head high, and keep the past where it belongs; in the past. The night isn't about what happened, but about what is going to happen.

OH! Gosh! I almost forgot! Remember how a few posts back I was talking about my friend Josh? He's the guy who clearly had a mega crush on me, despite the fact that I am going to England. Yah well...his puppy dog affection for me took a turn for the worse, when I went with our "gang" to his cottage in Long Point, this past weekend. Unfortunately for me, I got drunk and ended up sleeping with him. If I had been at all sober, this would not have happened, as I not in the least bit attracted to him. As vain as this sounds, I am far too good looking for the guy. Also, he doesn't have nearly enough ambition or drive to date me. I'm a very picky girl, and I like my men to be as driven as myself. Case in point, he is going to back school in the fall to complete High School. I teach it. He's in it, at the ripe age of 23. Not for me. I mean, kudos for him for making the effort to go back, but its too little too late for a girl like me. Besides, I'm going to England. But I digress. He got lucky that I was drunk and horny, and let him sleep with me. It was still awkward, despite my drunkeness, as he gushed to me that he "liked me a lot" and that being with me was "everything he hoped it would be". Barf! In the morning I tried to be as casual as possible, but it was obvious to me he was already in love. He fawned over me the rest of the day, trying to do every little thing for me, while staring at me with these big pathetic eyes. What was worse was the fact that everyone else heard us doing it, and wouldn't stop teasing me all day. They started to call him "Jackrabbbit Josh", which was immensely embarrassing for me. I wanted to die. I shot dagger eyes at Sheena all day, but she wouldn't stop. I could have embarrassed her just as much, since I had heard her having sex with Holly's brother Nick, but I refrained from doing so out of respect for her. Too bad she couldn't return the favour.

Anyways, after Saturday night, I was bombarded with messages from Josh, asking me to hang out, or watch a movie with him. I kept avoiding his suggestions, and resolved to only be around him when the rest of the gang was present. Tuesday night, everyone came over to play Rock Band, have some drinks, and watch a movie. He was there, and all night he kept looking at me with this disgusting look of longing. To make matters worse, my friend Meaghan was there, and she has a huge crush on Josh. I was fairly certain she saw the looks he was giving me, but I ignored him all night. I literally said two words to him. I hoped he had gotten the message. Everyone started to filter out around 11, though he tried to linger behind. However, I faked exhaustion, and he reluctantly left with Meaghan. Thank GOD.

About ten minutes later, as I was about to shut down my computer, I get an MSN message from him. In it, he asks me if he can rant to me a minute. Knowing where this is going, I reluctantly say yes.
He immediately launches into a sob story, about how he's such an idiot for falling for me. He said that from the moment he met me he knew I was leaving, but he couldn't help liking me.
"There's something - no, a lot of things - about you that draw me to you," he said at one point. "I'm such an idiot, because I always fall for the girl I can't have. I like you. A lot. A lot a lot."
Gawd. I had no idea what to say to that. I felt bad, because I feel nothing for the guy, short of sheer revulsion now. I can't stand when guys are pansy ass silly nannies. Grow a pair, and be a man for facks sake!
Anyways, I tried to handle the situation with as much tack a possible, letting him down as easy as possible.
He didn't make it easy for me though. At one point he asked me if what had happened on Saturday would ever happen again, because it had been "Everything, and more, than he had expected" and that it had been "Amazing, but that he knew it was just sex to me, and that hurt more than anything".
Good gawd....I tried to tell him that I didn't think it could happen again, because I was leaving in a few weeks time, and it would just be "mean". I also played the "Meaghan likes you, and I don't want to make her mad" card as well.
In the end, he admitted to me that he had "shed a tear or two tonight" over me, which made me want to vomit in disgust. He cried over me? Over one night of drunken, meaningless sex? What the FACK!?

I was talking to Christine on MSN, as all this was going down, and made a comment about him being a stage five clinger. She got a good laugh out of that, and called him an "F5", and then said she may as well call me Helen Hunt. It was a pretty good laugh, and definitely took my mind off the awkwardness that was taking place in my conversation with Josh.

I held in my disgust, as I tried to reject him as nicely as humanly possible. In the end, I think I succeeded. I still broke his needy little heart, but that couldn't be helped. In the meantime, I've resolved not to go anywhere where he is going to be, without a large buffer of people. He is having people over to his cottage next weekend, and I am determined NOT to go. I wouldn't make the mistake of sleeping with him again, even if I was shit canned half way to death. However, I just want to avoid the awkwardness. I think the best thing for the entire situation would be for him to see me out, flirting with another guy...perhaps even leaving with one. That'd make him think I was a slut, would be a lot better than the saint he thinks I am now.

Ugh.

Why is it that we can get men to fall hopelessly in love with us, but its never the men we want?

I shake my fist at you, life.

Cheers!

On Doing Something Socially Awkward...Or Rather SomeONE

Friday night I decided to get good and drunk about life, and the shitty curve balls it has thrown at me lately. So I invited a bunch of people out to drink on my back patio, and for the first time in ages EVERYONE that I invited came! It was actually quite nice, and despite my initial plan to not get drunk...I got shit faced. Eventually, like every other Friday night, the gang decided to head downtown. We skipped going to the Mug, and went right to the Royal too, which is a rare occurrence. It was fairly busy, and got busierwith every passing moment. I grabbed myself a Rum and Coke, found a place to sit, and proceeded to get more drunk about life with my friends. Christine and Paul, who are now officially a couple, sat with me the majority of the time, while everyone else mingled and smoked, respectively. At one point I convinced Christine and Paul to come dance with me...which is a sure sign that I'm wobbled beyond repair. After sweating it out dancing, I decide to go pee. Christine comes with me, and tells me that Paul has told her he loves her. I am so so happy for her, since she deserves that more than ANYONE right now (a decent man who loves her, and worships the ground she walks on). However, it also highlights how fucked over I got, with my twenty-year old experiment. Their relationship, which started over a one night stand, has unexpectedly turned into a very real relationship, while what I had initially hoped would be a relationship with K has turned out to be a total sham. I had a five second pout about it, as I was peeing, and then resolved to not let it bother me anymore. I came out of the stall, slapped on a happy face, and decided to get even more drunk about it.

Walking out of the bathroom, I saw a guy I went to high school with out of the corner of my eye. His first name isn't important right now...but his last name certainly is. If you read the titles of these posts, you'll notice that this one is about doing someONE socially awkward. It doesn't get much more socially awkward than doing someONE with the same last name as you. Which is what I did.

Now. Before you start freaking out and throwing up...I can assure you, 100%, that this boy and I are not related. At all. When I first met him in grade 8, I had a mega crush on him, and I blatantly came home and asked my Dad to see our family tree. Then I asked him if we were at all related to this boy. He laughed at me, and told me that we have ZERO relatives in this area, and that NO, we are not related to this kids family, unless it was eons and eons ago. I can't stress this enough...WE ARE NOT RELATED. We just share a last name. Think of it this way...there's an awful lot of Smith's out there, and they aren't all related. It wouldn't be that much of a stretch for a Smith and a Smith to meet and fall in love. Hell, my Mom has a friend whose last name is Reed, and she met and married a guy whose last name is also Reed. They conducted a full family study before they even had sex, but they made sure they weren't related. They weren't, and neither am I and this guy.

Regardless, you can understand how it would be a tad socially awkward for people to find out that we messed around. Anyways, now that I got THAT out of the way, I can finish my story.

So I noticed him, and noticed that he noticed me. We've ran into each other a bunch of times since I've moved back home, and he was always quite friendly to me, always coming over to say "hello". Since I suffer from ugly duckling syndrome (I was ugly in high school, and am not now), my ego really eats up people like him coming and being nice to me. It just makes me feel like a better person, because I escaped high school and turned into this desirable woman. Anyways, I digress. Like all the times before that night, he came up to me and said "hi". In fact, he choose a moment when I happened to be sitting alone at the table. He came over and sat in one of the empty chairs, and enquired as to why I was sitting alone. So we chatted it up, and he eventually offered to buy me a drink. I accepted, of course. We continued chatting until I saw Christine talking to the Cadman kid. If you knew the history behind Cadman and Christine, you'd have been horrified to see them talk.
Her man, Pauly, was looking rather worried about the chatting that was taking place, so I asked him if he wanted me to go break it up.
"Would you?" he asked me.
"Damn right I will!" I said. Then I turned to the boy.
"I gotta go break that up" I said to the boy, "Wanna come help me?"
"Fuck yah I do," he said.
So we went up, and chatted up Christine and Cadman, while I worked on pulling her away from his toxic grasp. After I succeeded in getting her back into Pauls arms, I stood standing with the boy awhile, talking and generally flirting.

Thats when I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, K's best guy friend come sauntering into the bar from one of the side doors. I held my breath, hoping and praying that K wouldn't follow him in. My prayers were not answered, as K quickly followed his buddy into the bar. My spirits sank considerably, but my brain acted much quicker. I changed my body language instantly, touching the boys arm while I giggled seductively at something he said. I think put on my coyest smile, and glanced up at him from under my bangs. It worked.
"You know what I think you should do? I think you should come back to my buddies place with me..." he said.
"I don't think I can," I purred back, "I have to work in the morning."
"I'll drive you home whenever you want. You gotta be up at 7 or something? I can do that!"
"No...I just have to be home for 10," I said.
"Shit, ten is nothing. I can get you home for ten..."
"Well...alright..." I say.
He grabs my hand, all smiles now.
"Alright, lets not waste any time!"
We walk back to the table, so that I can grab my purse.
K is sitting at the table directly beside the one I was at. I look at him, and see that he was already looking at me.
"Hey Krista!" he says. He has that look on his face, like he wants me to join him. His stupid grin, that used to win me over every weekend before this one. He gives his head a shake, and his bangs flutter out from over his eyes.
Ignoring all this, I grab my bag, and merely wave at him. Then I turn around, take the other boys hand, and say "I'm ready!"

In retrospect, I must admit that some of the courage that allowed me to accept his indecent proposal was spurned on by seeing K walk into the bar. I wanted so badly for him to see me with this other guy. I wanted him to get jealous, and I wanted him to know that he wasn't in control. If he was thinking that he could date other chicks, while I waited around for him to call me for sex, he had another thing coming. I wanted him to know he wasn't the only one that could wheel.

Well, he certainly knows now.

The next day I get a text message from him.
"So you went back with another guy eh?
"Naw!" I said.
"That's not what I heard"
"Yah, well people talk a lot of shit. I heard you were on a date at Boston Pizza and I didn't give two shits"
"I was on a date was fun" he says.
This text really makes me laugh, because it becomes painfully obvious to me at this point that he is SUPER bothered by the fact that I went home with another guy. So much so, that he thought making a comment like that would hurt me. Oh, how wrong he was.
"Ha ha! Well then what's the problem?" I ask.
"Nothing. It's not like we're dating, we're just buddies, right?" he replies.
"Exactly, dude!" I say back, chill as fuck.

The best thing is, I finally feel like I won. I have absolutely no feelings for K, and I haven't for weeks. Not since the whole mono fiasco. I love that he was bothered, because it shows that, despite everything, he did like me. He might deny it, but his text message proves it. I contemplated texting him when I found out he was on a date, but I didn't, because I realized I didn't care. He must care, otherwise why would he have texted? I won, and it feels amazing to know it.

By the way, even though it has socially awkward undertones, the sex with the other boy was amazing. Even he commented that it should happen again. I must really know how to throw it down. It helped that he had a fucking amazing body. He was also the first hockey player I've banged, and one of many ego trip fucks I've had. Going back to the ugly duckling syndrome, he's just another guy from high school that I can add to the "wouldn't have fucked me in high school, but loves my life now" checklist. It just makes me feel so good inside, when these kinds of boys gush about how gorgeous I am now. I know it's a little bit pathetic, on my part, to get off on that crap, but it really does do wonders for my self esteem.

Well,I guess that is enough for one night.

Cheers!

On K Being A Total Douche, And Making Me Feel Whorish

Yesterday evening, I was sitting at home wasting time on the Internet before I had to go into work at 7pm. As I was sitting there, I get a phone call from my friend Holly.
"Hey, I'm in Boston Pizza in Woodstock, and guess who's here," she says.
"K" I say, already knowing exactly where this is going.
"Yep...and he's not alone. He's with some blonde chick. She kinda looks like that Nikita girl that works at Kelseys"
"Oh yah? Who knows, maybe..."
"It clearly looks like he is on a date. I mean, he came in alone, and she came in after...but Matt and I both agree it looks very date-like. It's a date," she says.
"Wow, unreal," I say. I don't know what else to say. I can't decided how I'm feeling.
She pauses for a minute, before asking, "Are you mad? I debated whether or not I should call you, because I wasn't sure that you'd really care, but then I thought I would like to know...and Matt said that you deserved to know, so I called you..."
I hesitate a millisecond before replying, "No. I'm not mad....Well. I'm a little hurt, if anything. Not about him being there with some girl...but just at the fact that the entire time I was 'seeing' him, he never took me out for dinner...and now here he is with some random blonde....makes me feel like such a whore. Like all I was good for was sex..."
Holly sighs, "Well, we all knew he was a douche bag...I'm sorry. I mean, I know you don't really care, and yet I know that you do"
"Yah. I don't care...I mean I was over this ages ago. And I'm leaving for England, so what the fuck do I care, I mean really? It's just the principle of the thing that really gets to me. I feel like trash..."
"Don't. Do you want me to try to see if I know who the girl is?" she asks.
"Sure, why not. Just for shits and giggles," I say.
We hang up, and she tells me she will call me once she leaves.
About 10 minutes later she calls back, unsure of who the girl is. She didn't get a good look at her face, and she didn't want to make it look TOO obvious that she was looking.
"Did K see you?" I ask.
"I don't think so, he was pretty engrossed in the girl..."
I frown to myself, and shake my head.
"Whatever, fuck that. At least now I know not to let him touch my body. No more booty calls for him. Dick..."

I briefly toyed with the idea of texting him, and saying "How's the date goin?". In fact, I even asked my good bud Rachelle if she thought this was a good idea. She texted me back with a resounding NO, saying that it would only make it look like I cared. I thought about it, and realized she was right. Doing that would make me sound like a jealous bitch, which is not something that I am. For all I care he can go date the world. I just don't like the way finding out made me feel about myself...I felt very used and disgusting.

You see, I had recently resolved to be over the guy. He just wasn't worth the effort. However, last Friday I saw him out at the bar. I panicked a little, unsure of what to do that night. I was adamant that I would not approach him, since he had hardly spoken to me in weeks. My friends all urged me to go say hello, but I was stubborn with the idea that he had to come to me. Rightly so. There was no way in hell I was going to go crawling for him. I saw him leave for a smoke around 1. Coincidentally enough, I get a text message from him while he is outside.
"Should come to the bar" he says.
I smile smugly. I know he's seen me, and this is his lame attempt to try to act like he hasn't.
"I'm already at the bar" I reply.
As I predicted, the moment he comes in from his smoke he walks directly towards me. He clearly saw me previously, but couldn't figure out how to come over and say hello. He used the lame excuse that he talked to my sister outside, and that she was the one that clued him into where I was sitting. Regardless, I am more than a little pleased that I "won"; he DID come to me. We flirt shamelessly for awhile, and then he asks me to come sit with him and his buddies. I happily oblige, thinking that things are going back to the way they used to be. We go over to where his friends are, and he sits down, beckoning me to sit on his lap. He's all hands, touching my legs, my thigh, my stomach, my back. He pulls my head down for a kiss more than once. Drunkenly, I kiss him back, and get equally as handsy. We end up fooling around that night, and it's as good as ever.

And then I don't hear from him again. Then I get Holly's call. It all comes crashing in my face. I feel so used. It's not even a week since we screwed around, and he's on a date with some tiny blonde. I'm nothing more than a roll in the hay to him. It smacks me in the face, hard. This is why I struggle for a moment when Holly calls me. This is why I'm unsure of how to feel. Up until that point, I had always thought that I while K and I were casual, there was never a threat of anyone else. Now there is. Suddenly I don't feel as secure in our casual relationship. Now it's not casual. It's a pure booty call on his part, and I am nothing more than an easy catch. That stings me more than I thought it would. Not much has changed, and yet I go from feeling like I have some control on the situation to having none at all. I'm purely a play thing to him, at his beck and call.

Well...now that I have this new found knowledge, rest assured that his days of playing with me are over. If he tries to booty call me again, which for some reason I highly doubt he will, I will call him on his disgusting behaviour. However, like I said, I doubt the opportunity will arise. I'm guessing he will be able to wheel the new girl fairly fast. Most girls are pretty keen to take off their panties these days, so I doubt he will have much of a struggle to get into her pants. He's a charmer, anyways. He puts in all the time at the start, to get you into thinking he likes you. He's good that way. I wish whoever this new girl is all the luck in the world, because once he tires of her like he tired of me, she'll be just another girl chucked into the used pile.

Anyways, the whole situation made me realize that I have really great friends. Holly is a great friend for calling me as soon as she realized what was going on, and for being honest with me. Rachelle is also a great friend, for giving me the insight I couldn't see right away. And she gave it to me while on a date! So kudos to her. But it also highlighted the fact that I miss my best friend, Andie. She's gone for 5 weeks to Quebec, to take part in this really amazing program to learn French. It's such a great thing for her! I am so proud of her! But I also miss her like crazy, and I miss being able to talk to her. I was sooo tempted to call her cell phone, but then I worried that she'd be busy, or that it would cost us both too much due to roaming and long distance charges, or whatever! Also, it was such a trivial thing to call her about, so I decided against it. Still...it really showed me how much I miss being able to talk to her. We used to talk on MSN like every day, at least for a little bit. And I always knew she was there. I know she is there now, she's not even that far! However, I guess what's really bothering me is that it's really showing me how hard it's going to be when I am in England. The good news is it is making me determined to try and talk to her as much as I can while I am overseas. I really need my Banandie, and I won't let some stupid ocean and time distance get in the way of that! But anyways, I am sad that I am going through this shitty K crap without her around...cuz I know she'd offer some insight that no one else can, cuz she knows me better than anyone. Ah well. I can't wait for my going away party. It's going to be really good, but really sad. I didn't cry at Andie's goodbye party, cuz I knew I would see her soon. This time I will cry, because the distance will be so much further...but I know that I will make every effort to stay connected, not just to her, but to all my dear friends (Rachelle, Holly, Christine) and my family (Sheens and Ethan especially). It might take a lot of work on my part, and maybe require some odd hours for me to be up, but I am determined that I will do it. I don't want to be cut out of everyone's lives, just because I am in England. I will still need them, perhaps more than ever, as I make this huge leap. But enough of the sad stuff for now....
Cheers.

On Being Bloody Hot

I don't mean looks-wise hot either. I mean temperature wise hot. The weather here is bloody awful lately. A heat wave is going through, and its absolutely awful. Makes me want to die, sometimes. I am a sweaty girl, so I don't just glow, I glisten. I drip. The sweat beads down my breasts and back, like a fat kid. It's nasty, and very very unpleasant. I also worry about how unattractive it makes me. I can't imagine any man feeling sexual desire for a woman who is flushed and sweaty. The classic sweat stains on the back of the shirt doesn't scream "DO ME" to anyone I know of. I certainly don't find it attractive on men, so I can only imagine the damage it does to my own sexual appeal.

I often fight the sweatiness as much as I can. I wear as little as possible. I stick to cotton only. I stand in front of fans. I move around as little as possible. I do not exert myself, in any way. Despite all this, I still sweat. It's horribly embarrassing.

I honestly wouldn't mind the temperature either, if it wasn't so damn humid out. The humidity is what really drains me; it really gets my sweat glands working in overdrive. It's disgusting when you can feel the heaviness of the air on your skin. Currently, I am laying in my bed, with a floor fan and a ceiling fan beating down on me, and all I can feel is hot, damp, heavy air being circulated around my body. It clings to my legs, and whips my hair lamely against my face. It's not at all cooling, and I am wondering whether or not to just turn it all off. Maybe if I let the air stagnate around me, it wouldn't feel as sticky hot. Or maybe it would be worse. It's so hard for me to judge.

Anyways, I really didn't want to rant on endlessly about the heat. It's kind of lame when people can only talk about the weather. I can't help but wonder if there isn't something more exciting people can discuses. Sorry for inflicting a weather rant on you.

Cheers.

On Being Well Again, and Other Developments

After three weeks, a trip to the Emergency Room, and endless nights of no sleep, I am proud to say that I feel 100% better! I think I may have finally managed to kick this mono, which is a huge load off! Now that I feel normal again, it really is astonishing to me how debilitating the infection was! I really did feel a lot more lethargic and tired. I am just glad that the laziness had a reason, and wasn't just some random change in my personality. I was very afraid, prior to my diagnosis, that I was simply aging, and my laziness was a result of my body telling me it was time to slow down. I should have known that 23 was far too young for that change to be taking place! What a relief that I can now return to my normal, energetic self! I went to the gym today for the first time in a week, and it felt good to sweat again. My muscles were starting to miss the strain I put them through, and I was definitely starting to worry that I would lose all those weeks of hard work. I like my tight new legs, and wasn't too keen on giving those up.

I've finally got my timetable for the first semester e-mailed to me. I was a bit afraid of what I was going to be expected to teach, but now that it is all before me, I am very at ease. There is only one book I have to teach that I am unfamiliar with, but I will hastily order it from Amazon.ca, and start reading it as soon as possible. The rest is all literature that I am familiar with, having read it at some point in my life. Obviously I will re-read everything, this time taking an educators perspective, and taking notes on what I think I could do with the material. The English department head said there are detailed lesson plans available for me to use, but that I am free to do my own thing, so long as the end result is the same. I can work within those confines quite easily. I do hope to be able to bring my own techniques and style into teaching the lessons, and hopefully add to their ways of teaching the content. I would hate to think that I go all the way to England and fail to teach the STAFF anything. After all, part of getting someone like myself to come over is to get a fresh perspective into the department, for staff and students alike. I really hope that I can contribute to the school in a number of different levels. I am confident enough in my abilities that I will do that, but sometimes I think it's just wishful thinking. Ah well. I can only do my best, and hope that someone gets something out of it.

I still haven't talked to K since I ran into him at work on Saturday. I'm not at all concerned though. In fact, I really am quite indifferent to the entire matter. As the Maroon 5 and Rihanna song goes "If I never see your face again, I don't mind". It couldn't be any truer for myself, at this point. I harbour no ill will, and don't feel one way or the other about him. I'd be content with being his friend, at this point, but if he decides he wants to cut all contact, that's fine too. I really don't care, either way. I certainly don't need him for anything. In fact, I'm increasingly beginning to realize that there's never really a shortage of men in my life that wouldn't gladly fill any male vacancies I may have. As it were, a few weeks back I was introduced to a lovely new fellow from town. He's a friend of my friend Nick (who is Holly's older brother), and his name Joshua. I'll skip calling him by his first initial, since it doesn't particularly matter if anyone knows about THIS crush. I'm leaving in 37 days, so whatever gets out there will get out there and then crumble after I've left. Anyways. He's only a year younger than me this time, instead of the 4 year difference between K and I. I still find it slightly amusing though, that he is still technically younger. When will I learn? Heh heh. We both find it rather bizarre that we grew up in this town, and have never met each other until just now. I thought I knew everyone, but apparently not. He went to Otterville Public School and then Norwich High School, like Nick and Holly did, so that probably accounts for my failure to know him. Anyways, he's pretty much your average next-door-neighbour type guy; not drop dead gorgeous by any means, but cute, with an endearing personality. He's shy, which sometimes gets me going - shyness in men can bring out a saucy streak in me. I tend to want to corrupt them. We talk on MSN most nights, and it's never awkward. This is a huge difference than talking with K, who never really disclosed much of anything, and was terrible at maintaining a conversation. I should have guessed from that that he was a dud. Ah well. C'est la vie. Anyways, Josh is probably the most honest person I've met in awhile, and I find his frankness is often surprising. He doesn't seem afraid to admit that he likes me, and often complains about how unfair it is that we met now, just as I am about to leave the country. He also told me the other night that he fears I will never return, and that it makes him sad. I'm never sure how to reply to these things. We've never even so much as hugged, so it's a bit odd to have someone admit to feeling this way, while getting nothing in return. This isn't to say I didn't want to try, however the mono really put a damper on anything ever progressing. Then, when I talked to him about it, he told me flat out that as much as he'd like to try "these things" with me, and how he knows it would be "amazing", he would rather not go there because it would make things very hard when I left. It makes a lot of sense, because often when you take that leap, feelings get involved. I wouldn't want to hurt anyone, so we've kind of agreed to keep things on a familial level. I know my feelings wouldn't get hurt, should anything happen, because I am already prepared to go. I'm ready to cut all ties of that nature, in the hopes of making new relationships over there. However, I can't expect a guy here to be ready to do the same. They go nowhere, their feelings will remain. Mine won't. It's a sticky situation.

Anyways, the whole Josh thing has just really shown me that there ARE nice guys out there, who like me for more than just my body. I can get whoever I want, if I put my mind to it. So I will take this new found power with me to England, and be sure to woo whichever lucky bloke catches my eye. He better be a looker!

Cheers.

On My Growing Excitement About Going to England

I realize that I am posting twice in the same day, but I feel like the difference in topic of the two posts entitles them to their own space and title. If I had stuck with one post, it would have been exceedingly long, and you'd have been less pick up where you left off, if you stopped reading for the night. I'm just doing you a favour, darling!!

So, I thought it would be prudent of me to let you know that I have finally made my trip to England OFFICIAL. Obviously, it was official before, in that I had a job lined up, and was determined to go. However, I never had any of the nitty gritty stuff accomplished. Last week, I recieved my Working Holidaymaker Visa. This is the four hundred and change dollar Visa that I had applied to in June, that would allow me to work in England for a period of up to two years. I was excited to have gotten the Visa, because, as I mentioned in a previous post, I was afraid my money situation would hinder my application. Turns out it wasn't an issue at all, and it was approved within days of my appearing in person to submit it. I was overjoyed when I recieved it, and instantly started to plan for trip over.

I went online, shopped around for flights, and after a half hour of comparing, I booked a flight for August 22nd with Zoom. It leaves Toronto at around 8 at night, and arrives in London at 10 in the morning, London time (which means that the six hour leap ahead in time is factored into the arrival time). I am a tad nervous that I will effectively lose 6 hours of sleep, so I am planning to sleep for most of the plane ride there, if I can. I may take a gravol or two to aid in this plan, but we shall see. I want to avoid jet lag as much as possible.

I also went ahead and booked a hotel room for the night of August 23rd. I booked the room off of the Gatwick airport website, since that's the airport I am flying into. It's apparently a 4 star hotel, a five minute shuttle ride (free) from the airport. I plan to check in as soon as I can, drop my stuff off in the room, and then find a way to head out to view London on my own for the day. I want to stay up all day, and go to bed at around 10pm London time. I've been told that it's best to try as soon as possible to get into a normal sleep pattern, so I am going to try my hardest, right from the start. The following day, Sunday the 24th, I am going to find my way to a train station in London, and attempt to figure out how to get from London to Cambridge. I am told trains run that way, so this shouldn't be too hard. Once in Cambridge, I may just call a cab, and get it to take me to Swavesey, where I am arranging at the moment to stay in a bed and breakfast for a week. During that week, I plan to view flats and rooms to rent, for the rest of the year. I've already made three appointments, so things are moving along quite nicely.

I can only hope it all goes as planned. I am very nervous at the prospect of having to do this TOTALLY alone, and in a foreign country. However, the best I can do is plan a LOT before I go, and hope that nothing goes wrong. If it does, I will have to rely on the kindness of strangers, and try to use my Canadian charm to help myself out.

As the flight date approaches, I can't help but start to get more and more excited about it. This is going to be such an amazing opportunity for me...to get to live and work in England...I mean how many people can do that? Sure, lots of people go teach English as a second language in Korea....but that's not the same. I don't think that holds as much weight as teaching in England, where the curriculum is much more like the curriculum in Ontario. I feel that I will be much more qualified, when I return. It will be a much more real teaching experience, and one that I could use to help me progress as a teacher, both in England and in Canada.

I also would be lying if I didn't say I an harbouring fantasies about meeting someone in England. Someone really special. Maybe even THE someone. Maybe the reason I am having so much trouble over here is because HE'S not here...he's over there. I can't help but think that this is happening for a reason. I am going to England not just to teach, but maybe to find the life that was meant for me. I'm a hopeless romantic in that sense. However, my Mom keeps cautioning that if I go there looking for love, I won't find it, because we never find what we're looking for when we're openly seeking it; it has to find us when we least expect it. So, in that vein, I will try very hard not to have any expectations. In fact, once I get there I will probably be so busy with working and planning, I won't have time to look. So maybe it will hit me, after all!

Anyways, that's all I wanted to say on the matter, for now. I will keep trying to update you on the progress, as it comes.

Cheers!

On Having Mono.....Yes, Mono

I realize it's been awhile since I posted, and I apologize. However, if the title of this blog caught your eye, then surely you must be aware of at least one possible reason for my literary absence. As I boldly stated in the title, I have mono. Yes...the so called "kissing disease" that afflicts so many youth, past and present. I will remind you, yet again in case you were wondering, that I am no mere youth. I'm 23 years old, and would like to consider myself above being classed as a youth. However, at the ripe age of 23, I contracted what is typically a disease of teens; mono. How utterly embarrassing.

If you're wondering how I managed to get mono, you will have to get in line. I've wracked my brain endlessly, trying to figure that mystery out. I've been scrutinizing all my friends, even mere acquaintances, to see if ANYONE within the past 6 weeks has shown any signs of having mono. No one in my recollection has been through what I have been though, these past three weeks. No one has taken ill, complained of headaches, fever, body pain, and most importantly, the dreaded sore throat that accompany symptomatic cases of mono. However, as everyone loves to remind me, many people can be carriers of mono and never know it. These people have no idea how lucky they are.

Three weeks ago, the Thursday before I was to attend Andie's going away party, I started to get a headache. It's important to note that I rarely get headaches, so when I do it's usually a sign of something bigger to come. I viewed my new found headache warily, wondering what it could mean. However, I was just starting my new job at Sobeys, and didn't have time to wonder too hard. I simply popped the Advil's every six hours, and fended it off that way. However, after the pills started to wear off, the headache would always return. This was especially odd, for me. I went to Andies party anyways though, headache temporarily suspended with my good friend Advil in tow, and had a fabulous time. However, the following morning, I woke up to extreme muscle pains in my arms. I chalked it up to sleeping on the floor though, and thought the headache that day was a result of alcohol overdosing. I drove home, and napped for the remainder of the weekend.

The entire week that followed the headache persisted, along with it's new friend muscle pain. Going to the gym became a huge struggle, and I started to feel lazy. I started to rationalize going to the gym every other day, instead of the typical every day. I tried to reason that maybe my muscles were being strained by being worked every day, and told myself that it was healthy to let them rest a day in between. However, I soon found my laziness spreading. I napped every afternoon, often for two or three hours. The headaches remained constant, unless I took daily doses of Advil. A nightly fever started to occur. I felt shittier and shittier as the days progressed.

Entering week two, my throat started to hurt. Bad. This was the last straw. I decided to see my doctor. I called to make an appointment, and was lucky enough to be admitted that day. He asked me about how I was feeling, so I explained to him my symptoms. His first question was "Do you find you're more tired lately?"
"Um...well I've been napping almost every day, now that I think about it..." I said reluctantly. I was unsure what he was getting at. I was pretty sure I had strep throat, the way my tonsils were swollen.
"Well...because you told me the sore throat came AFTER the headache and fever, I think you have mono," he said, point blank.
I stared at him in disbelief.
"How could I get mono?!" I asked, the shock and horror clear in my voice.
"It happens to a lot of people in the teens and twenties," he said, matter of factly.
I scowled, "I'm not a teen...." I said slowly, "but I am dating one...kind of..."
He grinned at me, impishly. I feel the need, at this moment, to mention that my doctor is extraordinarily hot. My mother, sister and I jokingly refer to him as Tillsonburg's McDreamy. He really is very very very attractive. When he gave me his mocking grin, I couldn't help but laugh.
"It kind of makes sense now..." I said.
He made me get on the counter-thing and hike up my shirt, so that he could feel my spleen. Apparently many people with mono get an enlarged spleen, which when hit could rupture. Luckily, mine was fine.
He sent me to the hospital to get my blood tested, to be absolutely sure.
A few hours later, he called me personally to break the news.
"I was right, you have infectious mono. That's what is making your tonsils so enlarged. Unfortunately, I can't give you anything for it, you just have to sleep it off, and drink lots of fluids"
Dejected, I thanked him for his time, and then hung up.

I then had the horrible task of informing ANYONE that I had kissed in the past while of my recent diagnosis. That didn't take long. I texted K to tell him. He seemed horrified. We texted back and forth for awhile, debating how I could have gotten mono. He remained adamant that it wasn't from him, and then started freaking about how if he got mono, all his friends would get mono "because they shared drinks all weekend". What a spit whore.

In all honesty, the way he's reacted over this whole mono thing has really put a lot of things in perspective for me. He's been friendly enough, when he's accidentally ran into me working at Sobeys since I told him, but otherwise he's been super distant, if not a little cold. Just goes to show how immature he is, and how little I really matter to him at all. It's definitely pulled me out of my disillusioned crush on him, and put me back in reality. He was never interested in me above using me for my awesomely good body, and the awesomely good sex I could provide him with. Plus I was older, and way hot. He stood to gain a lot by having a sexual relationship with me, but little else. He got what he wanted, clearly. I guess I got what I wanted to...a hot little fling with a sexy young boy. But now that the chips have fallen, and I've seen him for what he really is, I can finally get over feelings I may have had for him. He's just a stupid selfish kid....but I was even stupider to think I felt something for him. I'm almost relieved to have an excuse to end it. However, I think I still may be weak, because a part of me knows that after I'm better, if he asks for a booty call, I will likely give it. It can't really be helped. I'm still pretty physically attracted to the kid. He's effing hot, what can I say...and who am I to deny myself sex? I'd rather sleep with him again, than waste my time trying to sleep with someone else in this pathetic town, for the brief period that I'm still here. So if he comes a-knocking, I won't throw him out of bed.

Anyways, I digress. The past few days have been total fell for me. My tonsils got so swollen and sore, that I could not even swallow my own spit. Sunday morning I woke up at 4 am, sobbing and laying in my spit-drenched pillow. I went downstairs and sucked on ice cubes until my Mom came down at 8, and told me to go to the ER. Reluctantly I did. I didn't want to waste any ones time with my pathetic tonsils, and yet I also couldn't tolerate the pain any longer. I sat there, in the empty ER for about half an hour before a doctor came to see me. I asked a few hurried questions, didn't even look in my mouth, and wrote a prescription for a mouthwash that would numb my tonsils until they got better on their own.
"We can't do anything for mono" he told me, the anger very evident in his voice.
I choked back my tears, as I tried to explain that coming to the ER was a desperate move, by someone in pain. However, because my tonsils were so swollen, I could hardly talk. I made some gurgling noises, tears streaming down my face.
He looked at me, with a mixture of pity and anger, handed my the prescription, and told me to have a nice day.

I walked home feeling like a leech on society...I had dreaded wasting time, and I felt like I had. But I clutched the prescription like my life depended on it. It was my only hope of escaping the pain. I filled it as soon as the drugstore opened, and quickly gargled with the green liquid. It helped a little, but not nearly as much as I had hoped. I spent all day Sunday in an exhausted stupor, going to bed at 10.

I woke up this morning, after my first full night of sleep in a week. My tonsils, while still swollen, felt a little less painful. I didn't feel tired at all. Things appear to be on the upswing (knock on wood). I can only hope that things will start to clear up, because I honestly cannot take another week of this. Mono is the worst illness I have ever had, to date. It's been so painful, and the doctors have been kind of dick headed in telling me there is nothing they can do for me. Mono is just something your body has to fight on its own, which is a rare thing in this overly medicalized age. I can only HOPE and PRAY that you never get it, because it is truly a miserable thing to have.

I just hope my time with it is at an end...

Cheers!