On Leaving

So I'm in England now.... the flight was about as I expected it would be, long and boring. I got the seat in front of the fire escape in the middle of the plane, which meant I couldn't recline my chair. As a result, I couldn't get comfortable at all, and thus could not fall asleep. I nodded off a few times, but the majority of my time I spent feeling my energy levels drop while I struggled to get comfortable. Nothing worked though. I was doomed to be miserable from the start. As more and more time passed on the plane, and I felt myself getting further and further from home, it became increasingly hard for me to hold in my tears. I broke into sobbing fits every hour or so, as I thought about those I was leaving behind and the lack of people waiting for me upon arrival. I started to seriously doubt my decision, pondering the "rightness" of my choice. Is it supposed to hurt this bad? I'm not sure...all I DO know is that I increasingly wish I were not here. As I sit here now, it's 6:20pm England time (2:11pm Ontario time), I'm deathly tired, but I can't sleep because I am afraid to. I know that sounds scary, and in fact makes very little sense. But I am afraid to sleep, because I don't know where I am. I know I am going to wake up cold and alone, and at first I won't know where I am. I can already feel that feeling of panic rising up in my throat, and it brings tears to my eyes. I am so deathly afraid of climbing into that bed alone...I desperately wish I had someone to share it with me...

I am just so scared....

I know everyone expects me to be brave about this, and to enjoy the experience. However, I'm just having a really hard time doing that. I know a lot of people would trade positions with me, and I wish they would. I wish I could back out now, and come home...but I can't. I have to push through this panic, and try to accept it. I am hoping that once I get settled and make some friends, perhaps it won't be so bad. Have your fingers crossed for me as well...

So my last few days were great. Thursday I was supposed to go to the last day of this Teaching Shakespeare workshop,but I bailed on them in order to spend more time at home. I went out for coffee with M that afternoon; he had wanted to take me out the night before but I couldn't go on account of the stupid workshop. We had a great chat, and stayed in Coffee Culture for two and a half hours. Then we went to A&P, to grab some mix. When he dropped me off at my house, I asked him to come in, and then to stay to dinner. He happily agreed to stay. We had curry chicken. While it was good at the time, it definitely gave BOTH of us the 'rhea. Yum! That night Holly, Matt, Steph, SHeena, Meaghan, Christine, Paul and M came over to show me one last good night. It was a really good night, though somehow I got drunker than I wanted. M ended up staying the night with me, which is what I had wanted all along. We had another really great night together, just being really sweet and tender with each other. I had wanted to fall asleep clinging to him, but my drunkeness took over, and I passed out.

In the morning, a bunch of us went to Breakfast. M came, though he didn't eat, because he wasn't feeling well. We held hands under the table the entire time, while I rubbed his back and told him to feel better.

Then Ethan, M and I went to Rogers and rented "Hot Rod", since Christine and Paul told me I HAD to see it. It WAS rather funny, but very very random. I still laughed, and that was what I needed on my last day...

M and I spent the entire day together, before I had to leave and he had to go to work, and it was great. I didn't ever want him to leave, because when he left it would mean it was my time to go. It was so hard, when the time came that he had to go. We stood in the doorway, staring at each other silently for a minute. Then I grabbed him, burying my face onto his shoulders. He kissed the top of my head, and held me there, while I sobbed softly on him. I just couldn't not cry. All the regret about leaving him was starting to pile up, and it got to be too much for me to handle. I could do nothing but wish things were different; wish I wasn't going, or taht he could come....it just felt so profoundly wrong for it to be over. After about ten minues of us holding each other in the doorway, we exchanged a few soft kisses, and he left for work.

Soon after, right before I was about to get into the car to leave, I get a text from him.
"I'm not going to lie, I'm really going to miss you" he said.
"Me too. I don't want to go. I'm sorry I'm doing this. It sucks hard" I replied.
"Yah it does, but I am so happy for you. This is a great thing for you. You deserve to have fun. Just be safe, because it would break my heart if something happened to you" he said.
"I'll be safe. You stay away from crazy bitches. You deserve waay more than that" I replied.
"Thank you. You're the first girl that made me realize that. You're so sweet. I hope that it's not the end for us. If you meet Prince Charming over there, I will try not to get too hung up, because you deserve it"
"Aw hun, don't even worry about that. It's not over between us, eff that. I will be back befor eyou know it" I replied.
It went on like that for a bit, and all I could do was keep myself from balling my eyes out. I just REALLY liked this guy...we clicked, and he is everything I want in a guy...he's affectionate and sweet, and he's a man's man too. We're a perfect match. I know it sounds stupid to say that, but we really are. It's almost stupid how good we get on. I miss him so much, as stupid as that sounds. I can't stop thinking about him...and how I wish I had a phone here, so I could text him...or call him...but I can't. UGH, its so frustrating. I want to be with him, and it's not going to happen for awhlie. I can only hope that it really will pick up when I return. I will cross my fingers that some other girl doesn't realize what a catch he is....and he really is amazing....

But enough of that. I went for a walk today, trying to check out cell phones in the area. I was told by the front desk to go to Tesco, so I walked over. I took a picture of it, and it really reminded me of the Wallmart Superstore...cept this thing doesn't seem as effed, morally. Then again, what do I know? I went in, but they didn't have any smartphones, so I said eff that.

Then I came back to the hotel, and had them call me a cab, which I took to this really cute outdoor shopping carosel, to look at the company's own displays and stores. Only one store offered the Curve on a plan I cod get (12 month!). The cab rides were interesting, because it gave me first hand knowledge of how CRAZY the people around here drive...FAST AS HELL AND VERY RECKLESSLY! It's seriously creepy bad. They wipp around corners, and don't slow down for anyone. At one point I thought perhaps there were no speed limits, because everyong is going at different paces.

Well....I am nearly falling asleep on the keyboard...so I will end now, and perhaps finish this tomorrow. I may be absent on the internet for the next few days, depending on if the Bed and Breakfast has internet in every room. Fingers are crossed though.

Cheers,