On My Going Away Party

So my Goodbye Party was a moderate success this weekend. Everyone that I wanted to be there was there, at least at some point! I even had a few surprises! For one thing, Britt and Candice came. I definitely did not expect them to show up, because I thought that they (well Britt at least) did not like me. I was very surprised and happy to see them! K also showed up, and I wasn't particularily nice to him. Neither were my friends. Rachelle, Holly and Christine all put him in his place, regarding his flippant treatment of me over the last few months. I wasn't necessarily intentially rude to him, as I was actually preoccupied with a much better person. M, to be exact. Increasingly I am coming to regret my previous decision of hanging out with K. Although, I must admit that if I hadn't tried dating K I would never have met M...so I do owe him some props in that regard. Rachelle was especially succint in making me realize that I have a history of making "bad decisions", and that K was just one in a long line of such decisions. Unfortunatly, I had to admit she was right. I don't have the greatest track record with me. Most of that I chalk up to my being overly nice and naieve about men. I often put up with shit, thinking that if I call the guys on their behaviour they'll just leave me. Go back and read some of the shit I wrote about my ordeals with K, and you will find it glaringly obvious that I made a multitude of excuses for his behaviour, and my lack of saying anything to make it better. A decent guy won't dump your ass if you air a grievance; only assholes will. I've really got to stop thinking that I have to walk on eggshells around guys, to keep them around. I don't, and it's stupid of me to think that I do. I don't think I would have to worry about that with M.

There's a lot of things I wouldn't have to worry about, if I were with M. He's so much like me, it's actually ridiculous. Every time he says something about himself I am shocked to find that I am the same way. It's acually eerie. Our personalities are a lot the same. Here's one example for you...if you REALLY know me, you should be aware of my rather annoying habit of saying "Sorry" for everything. If it's raining outside, and you're standing with me, I will apologize for the rain. If we're out eating dinner together, and something is wrong with your meal, I will apologize for THAT. I say sorry for literally ANYTHING that goes wrong when you are in my presence. Well, the other night I was with Trevor, and he was drunk while I was sober. For EVERY little thing that happened, he apologized profusely. I actually had to say (and I have NEVER said this to ANYONE, though it's always said to me) "Stop saying sorry!"
I immediatly had to laugh, because it was just too ironic.

Anyways, I hadn't intended to get to the topic of my growing admiration for M just yet...I wanted to discuss the goings on of my night.

So the night was going smashingly well. I was well on my way to being drunk, without being TOO drunk, and everyone was being sociable and fun. Then Zack showed up, and immediatly started to be rude to everyone. He didn't bring any booze, and started to try to sneakily steal other people's booze while they weren't looking. Then he started to grab the crotches of women at the party. Finally he grabbed the wrong crotch...he grabbed Hollys. Then he proceeded to flip the table, which contained everyone's booze, and empty beer bottles. I had people coming up to me from all sides, telling me I had to ask him to leave. I asked for the circumstances, and once I found out, I was livid. I tracked him down, and immediatly started to bitch him out. I was freaking out, to the n'th degree. I called him on every dirty thing he'd done since arriving, and pulled out no stops in letting him know exactly what I thought of him.
He cowed down to me instantly, trying to kiss my ass and pander to my nice side. I wasn't having it though. I wouldn't let him get out of it. Suddenly, I felt a circle forming around us, as people crowded around to hear me. I felt Tony immediately behind me, ready to back me up should Zack get billigernet. That scared him a little, I am sure, since Tony is not the kind of guy you want to mess with. Suddenly my emotions got the best of me, and I broke into tears.
"This is my FUCKING party, you asshole, and I shouldn't have to be worried about people cutting themselves on broken glass, or getting molested by a pervert! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE" I yelled at him, tears streaming out of my eyes.
I felt M touch my arm at this point, and I turned to him, burying my head in his shoulder. I hugged him, wiping my tears on his sweater, before storming into the cabin and turning on the shop vac. I angrily started to try and vaccuum up the shards of glass, tears streaming down my face still. I did it for a few moments, while M tried to softly get the vaccuum out of my hands. He finally succeeded, and I passed it to him, and then slumped into a nearby chair, sobbing softly. Someone, I can't remember who, came and took the the vaccuum from M, and he came to console me. Eventually I calmed down, and resolved not to let Zack's stupidity bother me for the rest of the night. We finally got him to leave, with more threats from Tony (merely his presence).

I spent the rest of the night sitting on M's lap, giving him sweet little pecs, as well as talking to my friend from work, Michael. Michael is gay, and probably the funniest person I have ever met. He was also an amazing person to be drunk with, because he got even funnier.

At one point, I don't remember when, I was standing up with my hoody pulled over my head. K was standing directly behind me, and I was talking to Michael. M came up to me, and all of a sudden all I wanted to do was kiss him. He slid his arm around my waist, and I cut off my conversation with Michael, turned to M and pulled my hood hover both of our heads, kissing him. He pulled back, a bit surprised.
"Are you doing this to make K jealous?" he asked.
"No. I am doing this because I want to kiss you more than anything right now" I said. I've never been more honest in my life. I just wanted to feel his hands on the small of my back, while I kissed him under my hoody.
We had what is probably the second most passionate kiss of my life (the first came later in the night), under the comfort of my hoody.
While we were kissing, Holly took the opportunity to rub it in K's face. I heard her walk up to K and ask "Who is that MAKING OUT over there?!?!" in a mock disgusted voice.
"It's M and Krista......" he replied, his voice dripping with jealousy.
M and I both heard it, and shared a brief giggle before resuming our makeout session.
"I'm outta here..." K said a few moments later.
And then he left. I couldn't have been happier.

I don't remember much of the rest of the night, although I do remember going into my tent with M, and having the most passionate kiss of my life in there. We had just finished having pretty great sex, and I turned to him and said "Kiss me."
He rolled onto his side, cupped my face in his hands, and kissed me so softly I thought I was going to die. It was that good. So I kissed him back, equally as soft. We kissed like that for what felt like half an hour. I don't know how long it was, but it was spectacular. It was just a really great, passionate, romantic kiss. It made me melt inside, and regret instantly my decision to go to England.

The following night we all went to see Pineapple Express in London. It was an hilarious movie! I highly recommend it to everyone! I wish I had spent more time with M though...so I invited him to come to Moxies for dinner with the Tills gang the next day, and he accepted.

The dinner was last night, and it went well. It was delicious, and was a great group outing. Afterwards, Holly, Matt, M and I decided to head back to my place to have a few bevy's. I opted out of drinking, since I had a workshop to attend and didn't want to be tired AND drunk. M, however, got very drunk. In his defence, he was only trying to make an awkward situation with Matt and Holly less awkward, by getting Matty really drunk....but he really only succeeded in making HIMSELF horribly drunk. It was absolutly adorable. He didn't want to stay inside, and insisted on going for a walk. So we went for a walk around the block. He could hardly walk a straight line, let alone even stand up straight, so I was holding his hand the entire time.
"I love that you're holding my hand," he said, "It feels so...natural."
I blushed, and giggled, unsure of how to respond. I was actually SO happy to hear him say that, because I felt the same way.
It started to rain at one point, and he insisted on taking off his shirt so that I could cover myself. It was adorably sweet, and I've never had anyone do that. We walked back to my house, him topless and me with his shirt on my head.

We went back inside, and sat on the couch for awhile. However, he got ansy about sitting in the hot house, and asked me to take him home. I agreed, so I drove him over to his place. However, once we got to his house, he made me pull over, and then took the keys out of the ignition.
"I just love spending time with you...come in for awhile!" he said.
"It's 12:30 at night, I am not comin in...your parents will think its all about hanky panky!" I said.
"Okay, fine. We'll hang out in your car!"
I laughed, and said that was fine, if that's what he wanted to do.
So we literally sat in my car, and talked for an hour. Him being drink was absolutly adorable, because he spoke whatever was on his mind.
He professed his anger at the fact that I was leaving in a few days, and that he was so glad that he got to know me.
"I don't usually hang out with girls every night...but I've seen you ever day since Thursday, and I don't even mind, and I wish I could have more..." he said.
I told him I felt the same way.
"I still can't believe I even have a chance with you. I had a crush on you the moment I met you...and I was so jealous of K. I kept thinkin 'Here's this girl with an AMAZING personality, and who is gorgeous to boot, and she's with K...a total asshole'. You have no idea how many times I wanted to punch him for the way he treated you!" he gushed.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing! I told him that I had had a crush on HIM since I met him, and that if he hadn't had a girlfriend when I first met him, I would have ditched my attempts at getting K, and would have focussed on him.
"WHAT?! Really!? I honestly didn't think I ever had a chance with you...it shocked me when you invited me out...." he said.
I assured him that he was, in fact, very attractive to me, and that I thought he was an amazingly nice guy.
"Yah well, you're the hottest girl to ever touch my weiner" he said.
I had a great laugh at this, and so did he.
Then he got serious, and told me that he hoped I had an amazing time in England, and that I deserved the best.
"You're going to go there, and you're going to get swept off your feet by some Prince or Lord or something, who's going to be rich, and drive an amazing car, and buy you amazing things...and he's going to love being with you, because you're just the sweetest, most amazing girl in the world, and you're absolutly beautiful to boot....and I can't even be mad, because you deserve it" he said.
It was honestly the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to me, and all I wanted to say to him was that I don't want to meet a Prince over there, and that if I could have anything in the world it would be to have HIM....but I couldn't. Instead I told him that I wouldn't have time to meet guys in England, and that I wouldn't be looking.
"I don't even have a right to care," he said. "I shouldn't care, I don't care..."
"Clearly you do, and that's alright sweetie," I replied. I put a hand on his leg, and tried to give him my most...my...the look. I can't even name it.
He just kind of looked down, blushing, so I knew it was true.
Then I told him, again, how amazing he was, and that if I wasn't going to England I would date him in a second.
"Yah, well...you're going," he said.
"Well I don't want to..."
We didn't say anything for a minute. I think if I had been drunk as well, I would have spilled my heart out to him. I would have told him that I wish I could stick it out with him, and tell him how amazing I think he is, and how much I beat myself up every day now that I realize...how I wish I wasn't going.

We chatted some more, going from lighthearted to serious. Finally, he realized what time it was, and started to get out of the car.
"Wait!" I said.
He turned to look at me.
"I want a kiss first," I said coyly.
He grinned and leaned in for a kiss.
I kissed him gently on the lips once, pulling away slightly.
"One more," I said quietly, and kissed him again.
"And another," I said after that.
"Give me a good one now..." as I leaned in for one more great kiss. It was just like the one in the tent. He put his hands on my face, and held me there for a good 5 minutes or so. It was so tender, I melted again.
Finally he pulled away.
"One more..." he said this time.
He pecked me on the lips, then opened the door and got out.
"Bye hun!" I said, and pulled away.

I drove home, cursing my life and my luck. I haven't been able to stop thinking about him for weeks....and this weekend made it particularily bad. It's going to be so hard for me to leave...Thursday night I plan to stay up as late as I can, and I hope that he stays up with me. Saying goodbye to him is going to be rough, because I don't want to.

But then again, do I want to say it to anyone? No.