On Having An Epiphany

Not more than five minutes after I made my reflection yesterday, I got an MSN message from Josh. It was random, and awkward, and he basically said "So I'm not sure how to tell you I want to see you again without telling you that I want to see you again."
I wasn't sure if that was supposed to be his idea of a clever way of asking me out again, but regardless, it came across as rather cheesy and awkward. After some brief banter back and forth, we arranged to meet tonight for dinner, and possibly a movie. I was fine with the idea, at first. However, as I was laying in bed later that night, I was kind of pondering the whole scenario, and decided that I wasn't overjoyed at the thought of going on another date with this guy. I probably was being over analytical (although, that is typically what I do in any situation), but I started to really break the night down, and it wasn't looking good. I realized that I was never really MYSELF on the date. I felt like I was pandering for attention the entire night, because he was so freakin hard to draw out. It was like he had this huge guard up; he admitted he was a self described "dick", in fact. After reflecting on this statement, I started to recall instances in which he had exhibited rather douche-bag-able traits. His sense of humour was totally incompatible with mine; his sarcasm was dry and biting, whereas mine is always in good humour, and never full of malice. I also felt that, in order to make him come out of his hard shell, I had to make him laugh, so I kind of over-emphasized my "telling it like it is" nature. I'm never one to be ashamed to discuss ANYTHING, as my close friends will tell you. I put it all out on the table. However, I felt that last night I was putting all and MORE on the table; not necessarily about myself, but about other people. We had a minor people watching session at the coffee house, and I ripped apart everyone there, in an outlandish manner. Now, I would have probably cracked jokes about the people, regardless of who I was with, but with this guy I felt like I had to make the jokes a lot more hilarious, which meant that they had to be even more witty and biting. And they were. I'm ashamed to admit that I made one or two completely inappropriate comments (which I will not repeat here), and that it was these comments that got the best response from him. That's NOT me. The person that said those things was not an accurate reflection of ME. However, because this was probably the first time we've hung out alone, the me that I presented is the me he THINKS I am. I can't possibly continue to be THAT person. It's not worth it.

I've also decided that my admission last night that I didn't care either way how it went was a sign. If you truly like someone, you get butterflies in your stomach, and you can't wait for them to ask you out again. Obviously I was just trying to give him a chance to get those feelings started, because a part of me is so desperate for attention of the male persuasion. That is NOT a good reason to date someone. I really don't feel the spark, so there is no sense in wasting my time, and his money (as bad as that sounds, you know its true), on something that I know won't work. I don't want to date this guy, plain and simple.

Besides, I have waaay stronger feelings for C. I thought about THAT last night too...
I had a dream about C, in which we were at a party, and he was playing Pearl Jam on his guitar. I walked over to him, took the guitar out of his hands, set it aside, grabbed his face with my hands, and kissed him passionately. Then I woke up. It was awesome. That dream alone made me realize that I'd rather wait on C, than date this other guy in the meantime.

So, after my field trip tour of Thunder Bay (which I will likely recount later, in another posting) I am going to contact Josh and tell him I simply cannot make it tonight...and then when he asks me to reschedule I will tell him I'd rather not. Obviously, I won't put it in such harsh terms, but the general message will still be the same; Thanks, but no thanks.

Well, I'm off to explore Thunder Bay with my history class.

Cheers!