On Providing a Brief Update

Lately I haven't been inclined to write much in here. This isn't to say that a lot hasn't been happening with me; in fact, there is a tale or two I could spin here that would make you laugh out loud, and ponder the reality of what you're reading. Perhaps, once I get back home, I will find the time and energy to recount the random encounters of the past few weeks. You should certain hope that I do, as they are pretty outlandish (and yet, horribly true).

Anyways, I just wanted to provide you with this small tidbit of information....

Hot English Guy....was conquered. If I had my way, he'd be conquered again. He is extraordinarily sexy, and far smarter than any of the other dim-wits I've met up here. His Mama did good, I think.

I just wanted to put that out there, since it is a matter of great triumph for me.

More to come, at a later date.

Cheers.

On HATE HATE HATING It Up Here

I am so frustrated right now. I mean, seriously, seriously pissed off. Obviously, this problem is multi-faceted. It involves my education, my friends, and of course BOYS. I feel I must stress the use of the word boys in this instance, over men, because I have yet to encounter a real man in Thunder Bay. I swear to god, all northern men are bloody immature. They're absolutly messed in the head. I'm not entirely sure what their problem is, but it is my experience that all northern men suffer from some sort of committment problem. The worst thing is, the committment problem goes further than dating; they can't even commit to good, steady casual encounters. Any sort of "steady" ANYTHING appears to be out of the question. Or at least that's what my friends and I have decided. Northern men are the kings of sleeping with a girl once or twice, and then never speaking to them again. It's bloody irritating, because I'm not a clingly chick by any means...and yet they make me FEEL like one by avoiding me like the plague after a few romps. It's freaking bizarre, and, as I said before, totally infuriating.

I am just soooo tired of this shit. I am tired of the drama, and I am tired of trying to play my cards juuuust right. I shouldn't have to walk on egg shells regarding casual encounters. I shouldn't have to walk on egg shells for ANY kind of encounter. I don't even want to walk on egg shells when I meet that final awesome guy (if I ever meet him). I'm just hoping that when I meet him, it will all just happen naturally, and I won't have to worry that my behaviour will be repulsive or whatever. Although, I've never really felt that I'm the repulsive type, since I am a pretty stand-up kinda girl. But...I've been through this shit again and again...and I won't repeat myself.

In fact, I feel kind of bad, constantly ranting about the same shit. It must get kind of tedious to read. My apologies...but this is my life. This is what goes through my head. Thrilling stuff, I know.

Anyways, school is also pissing me off. I am so fucking sick and tired of the Faculty of Education making me do these LAME assignments. They are totally pointless, and serve NO purpose whatsoever. Right now I am working on this stupid interdisciplinary unit plan...it's absolute bullshit. We were put into groups of four, and told to make a unit plan that shares a similar theme and encompasses similar expectations. Basically, we had to "assume" that our clases would contain all the same students, trying to get this covetted interdiscipinary credit. It's total bullshit, because it would never work in the real world. First of all, you would never see a group of students take 4 of the same courses. It doesn't work that way in high school...unless you're either at a very small school or a very LARGE school. Regardless, the average school couldn't pull of a unit like this. Second of all, the professor wanted the unit to be a week long. I'm sorry, but there are absolutly NO units that are JUST a week long. Units take 3 or more weeks to plow through, otherwise they are not units. They are lessons. What kind of an idiot doesn't know that?!

Anyways...there's a pretty wicked eclipse of the moon going on right now, so I'm gonna go watch that.

Cheers

On Being Too Pretty.

So I've been downloading a lot of CDs lately...gotta love being Canadian. Anyways, I downloaded the new State of Shock CD, and I must say it's pretty effing amazing. I like pretty much all the songs on the disc, which is fairly rare for me. For those of you not in the know, State of Shock is a Canadian rock band, and they are pretty fabulous. I first saw them perform when I went to see Hedley at the end of January. They were fabulous. Anyways, one of their songs is called "Too Pretty", and I dunno why, but I really like the lyrics....so I'm going to put em' down here.

Seven days and I'm still sick
I need you more than I'll admit
I'm drowning here in a fifth of gin
Now I'm hoping for the best
But not holding my breath

Was there something that I missed
Some sort of clue maybe a hint
Cause there's a lack of love that's on you lips
And I can see your face in my mirror
Hear you voice in my ear
You're everywhere but here

Maybe Baby You're Too Pretty for me
Maybe Baby You're playing hide and go seek
I'm hoping for the best
Cause you're so hard to get
I'm not holding my breath
Cause you're too pretty for me

All the days the love we made
Tell me it wasn't all just fake
I need to know cause my hearts at stake
Now I'm hoping for the best
But not holding my breath

And I can see your face in my mirror
Hear you voice in my ear
You're everywhere but here

Maybe Baby You're Too Pretty for me
Maybe Baby You're playing hide and go seek
I'm hoping for the best
Cause you're so hard to get
I'm not holding my breath
Cause you're too pretty for me

Now you had me at hello
And then you let me go
Now everyday I wait
Is spent in second place

And I can see your face
Too pretty for me
Hear you voice
Too pretty for me

Maybe Baby You're Too Pretty for me
Maybe Baby You're playing hide and go seek
I'm hoping for the best
Cause you're so hard to get
I'm not holding my breath
Cause you're too pretty for me

I know you, I know you lie
Cause you're too pretty for me

-----

On another note, I should admit that I had an epiphany this weekend. First and foremost, I reminded myself that I am out of this shit-hole in 19 days; that is, it was three weeks till my return on Saturday. What a relief. As such, I finally convinced myself to stop being a girl, and come to grips with the fact that I can't possibly get into anything remotely emotional in the remaining time I have left. As such, I am even more determined to just have a wicked awesome good time while I am still up here. That means that, should the opportunity continue to present itself, I will throw it down with M. Why the hell not?!

Which leads me to a status update; a throwdown will be had. Last night we had a few drunken text messages back and forth, which alluded to the fact that we wanted to rumble. At one point, he said that we should "booze" sometime this week. I responded by saying I was up for a boozing, since I want to have fun the rest of the semester. His reply? "I was talking more me and you having some drinks and then you know..."

Well now. That's not subtle. Ha ha ha! So, in keeping with my committment to having a rocking good time up here, for the next 19 days, I replied that I would be up for that throw down, and that he should lemme know when he wanted it to take place, and it would happen.

Think what you will of me, I'm working with what I got, and I'm doing whatever the hell I want to do. It's all in good fun. I've got 19 days to be crazy, and then I can look for serious.

Cheers!

On Being Weak

I'm sure that some of you have been reading my last few posts, and shaking your head at me. I don't blame you at all. I am shaking my head at MYSELF. I mean, I was browsing through my posts, and came across the On Making Big Girl Decisions. I skimmed through it, and I totally realized that I am the biggest hypocrite on the face of the planet. I made these great points about how I wasn't going to settle, and that I wasn't in it for the "ass"....and then what do I do? I give it up to the first guy who shows a bit of interest in me. What is THAT about? I mean, am I seriously that weak?

I shouldn't even have to ask that question, because the answer is yes. I AM that weak. It's pathetic, really. At least I can admit that I'm a huge pussy...I'm sure there are some girls out there that would deny, deny, deny. Not this chick. I'm pathetic. I was SO SURE of my big girl decision...and then along comes some cute little guy, and I'm like a fucking puppy dog. What happened to my game plan? Just the flirting? UGH! I am horrible! I am just reverting back to my old ways, of sleeping with guys in the hopes that they will like me. NEWS FLASH! Sleeping with a guy will not make him like you. In actuality, it will just give him what he wants, and then he will more than likely forget you exist and move on to the next girl. Seriously. I HAVE to stop doing this. I have to stop letting the pathetic old Krista get out. I was doing SO GOOD at being the new, awesome, Krista. I mean, seriously...good.

Well. Here it is again. I am going to make another declaration. When I return home, I will NOT sleep with a guy until he works REALLY hard for it. I mean, he is going to have to woo the shit out of me. I'm talking dinner, dates, movies, and a LOO-OOO-OOT of heavy petting. A lot. Ha ha ha.

Now, if you happened to catch the "when I return home" part, let me explain; obviously I've already fucked up up here. As such, I may as well not change now. I'lll just give myself the next 22 days to be the old Krista; the man-eating Krista. I've already got a target in mind. Tee hee. That is, if some more throw downs fail to materialize with M. I'll keep him as my boy toy, if he keeps askin for it. But that's about it.

Once I'm home, no more Toy Soldiers for me. I'll be looking for a REAL boy come March 8th.

Giggity.

On The February Blahs

I am SO not feeling this month, at all. It's like every other day I'm feeling good, and then suddenly I'm feeling down in the dumps. Maybe it's just being sick of the weather, or maybe its the fact that tomorrow is Valentines Day, and I'm single. It's more than likely a combination of all those factors. Regardless, I am getting really tired of feeling this way. It's so FRUSTRATING to feel wicked awesome one day, and then drop down so fast. The down days are really shitty too, because it's like my self-esteem itself is jumping into Lake Superior. I freeze right over, and turn into this mopey bitch that I don't like. I just sit around like a lazy ass, feeling sorry for myself, and wishing I had something to do, or someone to hold, or some other stupid lame retarded thing like that. So I'll sit there, and feel this way, and I will TELL myself in my harshest voice to fuck off. I literally do. I tell myself to stop being so stupid, and to smarten up. I go over all the things that make me fabulous, in my head, and for a moment or two that's enough. However, it soon fades, and I'm back to feeling like total shit.

It's so bizarre.

BUT you know what would make me happy right now? I'm watching CSI: Miami on A&E, and a commercial for Gene Simmons Family Jewels just came on. I instantly perked up. That show is fabulous. I adore watching it. I used to scoff at Gene Simmons, because I always felt that KISS was kind of overrated, and he struck me as an asshole. However, after watching the show, I realized that he is a VERY smart businessman. He knows exactly what to do, and he does it. He isn't afraid to admit he's all about making money, and I admire that. He knows how to make a buck, thats for sure. Plus he is witty, and I enjoy that. BUT what I enjoy more than that is his fabulously sexy son, Nick. That kid....he really does it for me. THAT is my dream guy. He's tall - I mean, he's 6'7" for fucks sake. That is the definition of sex to me - and he's thin (but not gross thin, he's got that hot bod thing goin on naturally for him), and he is sharp was a knife. I mean, this kid can crack out one liners at a moments notice. He sees everything, and has something witty to say about it instantly. It is such a turn on. Ha ha. I know that sounds really creepy, but I'm just telling it like it is. He embodies everything that I find irresistable in a man. Plus his hair...ooooo it's kinda long,but managed, and I would loooove to run my fingers through it. Mmmm babes. Love it. Anyways. Watching that show would make me feel better right now. Ha ha. It truly would.

But since it is not on, I think I will go to bed early, and hopefully wake up in a better mood. Although, I doubt that, since tomorrow is officially Valentines Day, and I am officially single...

...which, by the way, I hate.

Anyways, only 23 more days until I return to the South. Maybe when I return I can find a REAL man to date. You know, one that actually WANTS to date me, and spend some quality time and all that shit. For now, I'll stick with the casual encounters, I suppose, and try not to let my girly emotions become involved.

Cheers

On The Approach of Valentines Day, Among Other Things

Valentines Day is a few days away. What joy, for all us single ladies. Or, if you're like most people I know, what joy for those girls that don't live in close vacinity with their boyfriends. It's a fucking waste of a day, if you ask me. It makes single people feel like shit, and it makes couples spend money on stupid shit. You shouldn't need a day to take your lover out for dinner or buy them a gift. Instead of giving the market monster all your money on one day, why don't you space it out? I mean, honestly. It's pathetic. I know some of you are just chalking this all up to my bitter single-ness, but I would fight you to the death over that accusation. I've hated Valentines Day since it started to take on more than a cute card aspect. It's sillyness.

Alright. Now that I have THAT rant out of the way, let's move onwards.

I will briefly talk about M. Okay, so I told you about Saturday. Wicked. Then Sunday was a study day, for him and myself, so I didn't hear from him. I will admit to having a moment of girlish weakness, in which I kind of overreacted to NOTHING....but after a pep talk from Andie and Greg, I was back on track. Greg's advice to me was the best, especially since it came from a guy. He told me that one of two things could happen with the situation. One, he would pursue me and I would know that I rock and scored again; or two, he wouldn't pursue me, and I would know that I rock and it's his loss. I dunno why, but that really kinda hit home for me. I mean, I know I am a pretty fucking wicked awesome person. I've got everything goin on; I'm good looking, I'm super sweet and down to earth, I am generous to a fault, I'm smart, I'm driven, and I'm not a filthy poor hobo (maybe a poor student, but certainly not filthy or hobo like. I'm quite stylin, tee hee). Also, my breasts are awesome. Ha ha ha. So I definitely felt better about everything Sunday night.

So Monday afternoon, lo-and-behold, M gets in contact with me, and we make plans to work on our group project together the following night. I had a workshop to attend Monday and Tuesday night, and was going to go over after the workshop on Tuesday. Anyways, I'm in the workshop on Monday, and he texts me and asks me to come over tonight, so we can work on it and then watch a "flick". So I go over, we do a lesson plan up, and then pop in "Lucky Number Sleven" (which, I might add, is a fabulous movie. Josh Hartnett is a FOX). We watched the majority of the movie...it was interrupted for some making out and stuff. Pretty good. Then when the movie ended, we turned on the TV and just kinda chatted, messed around, and went to sleep. Pretty solid night.

So, obviously, I didn't go over tonight, since I went LAST night. Although, he still felt the need to let me know that I didn't have to come over, and to (?) ask me if it was okay if he went out for drinks with his buddies. I was kind of perplexed as to why he would include the last bit/question. But whatever, I guess I should take it as a good thing. Or so I was told, hee hee. So we had a group meeting over MSN when I got home from the meeting, and after it ended, he told me that he he had to go work on some other project before his drinks, and said he'd talk to me tomorrow. So. Methinks he has a crush on me, as well. It's cute. He's cute. He's a cute little blue eyed Irish boy.

Anyways. I'm trying really super hard to not let the crush get too carried away...cuz he lives 5 hours away from where I'm from...which is FAR....However, its kinda hard not too. Ah well. Maybe I'll just revert back to my usual habit of quickly getting over my infatuations, as per usual. Who knows!

Anyways, that's all I've got for now. Cheers!

On Getting My Groove Back

This may come and bite me in the ass, in the end, but I think I can safely say I've got my groove back. I know this sounds corny, but I read my horoscope every day, and often I find that it comes true. As such, I usually put a lot of stock into what my horoscope tells me. So on Thursday, when it told me that I should take chances to meet a new group of friends, I went for it 100%. I had been debating for awhile whether or not I should go to the Outpost Thursday night, but after reading my horoscope I decided that I would take that leap, and head out. So I convinced Steph to come out, and then we headed to Todd, Attila and Adam's place to have some pre-bar bevy's. Then we all hit the bar. It was kind of lack-luster until around 12, when suddenly I saw my crush enter the bar. I did the totally girly thing, and I grabbed Steph and we giggled back and forth about what I should do. I was going to just walk up to him and ask him what he wanted to drink, but she told me not to be so forward. So instead, I went to the opposite end of the bar from where he was standing. Then I kind of tried that sexy-lean-over-the-bar thing, to catch the bartenders attention. I know M could see me, so I had to try to look as sexy as possible without making it obvious that I wanted him to look at me. He got his drink before I did, and then kinda disappeared into the crowd. A few minutes later I felt someone gently kick my heel, and when I turned around...guess who it was. You're right, my darings, it was M. So we proceeded to flirt it up and chat all night...he told me he wasn't a big dancer, so I made it my mission to get him on the floor. Eventually I did! He lead me into the middle of the throbbing crowd, and then he kissed me. I'm not a fan of public making out, so I kissed him back, but cut it off quickly....it was hard to do, but I did it! Then we kinda of danced some more, snuck in a few more covert kisses, and then the lights came on. This is the part of the night where I SHOULD have went home alone. Notice I said should, because I did not. Fortunatly for you, I'm not going to indulge what happened, but suffice it to say the night ended well.

He also asked me to come with him to a party last night, which I attended. It was also fun, but there was one moment of awkwardness. Remeber how a few weeks back I mentioned "hot English guy" from my class? Well he showed up mid-way through the party, and when he saw me he made a bee-line towards me. Turns out he's friends with M. I felt kind of awkward, cuz hot English guy kept giving me these coy smiles. Now, at this point I was pretty drunk, and a bunch of people were dancing in the living room. I also wanted to dance. I was kind of dancing on the spot, and talking with M and hot English guy. M noticed me kinda subtly getting my groove on, and he laughed and told hot English guy to dance with me, since he wasn't drunk enough to dance. Hot English guy was more than happy to do so....so he lead me into the living room, where we kinda busted a move. I was trying VERY hard not to make it look like I was super-grinding him, cuz I didn't want to be THAT girl. I also am not entirely sure what the boundaries are for myself and M. Anyways, hot English guy realllly was into it. He kept pulling me in really close, with his hand on the small of my back. He even started, at one point, to kind of rub my back. I was kind of freaking out, because he IS pretty effing hot....and if I hadn't been at the party with M (or if I didn't have a crush on M) I would have put on my game face. However, as I said, I wasn't into that, so I continued to try to distance ourselves. We danced for maybe half an hour, an then I saw M and disengaged myself from hot English guy and went over to him. He had his coat on, so I asked if we were leaving. "Yah, I think we're gonna go soon. You still wanna come with me, or you wanna go with ____?" He was totally joking, I could tell by his tone of voice, so I said, "Pfft, is that even a question? Of course I want to go with you, dear."
And so we left.

Anyways, last night M mentioned the possibility of watchin a movie tonight, so we shall see what goes down. I kinda hope he DOES call...cuz I wouldn't mind a nice movie night/making outs.

I'll keep you posted.

On Almost Burning The House Down

So I was boiling some water tonight on the stove, so that I could make some asian noodles for my lovely stir-fry. The element was just starting to heat up, and was turning red, when all of a sudden I heard a "whoosh" sound, and there were FLAMES leaping up under the pot.
"OH MY GOD!" I screamed.
I lifed the pot off, to see where the flame was coming from, and noticed that it seemed to be coming from out from under the element. My first reaction was, for whatever reason, to blow on it. Instantly I realized that oxygen feeds fires, and not to my surprise the flames grew. Smartening up, I turned off the element, as well as the one in front of it too, just in case. I was freaking out, and my heart was pounding a mile a minute. The flames got more intense, and started to reach higher. They were starting to lick the hood. Black smoke was starting to fill the kitchen.
"MIIIIKE" I screamed (Mike is one of my roomies).
I had a profound feeling that I needed to have a man, any man, come rescue me.
I ran frantically to my cabinet, and searched for baking soda. This search was in vain, as I should have known I didn't have any.
I ran over to Mike's cabinet, which was always well stocked in everything. I quickly spotted some baking soda, and screwed off the lid as fast as I could. The flames were getting a LOT higher, and the smoke was starting to really bother me. I threw the baking soda into the mix, and instantly the flames were battered down a bit. However, they quickly raged again, so I threw all of the baking soda onto it.....again and again I doused the flames, until finally I got it out.
At this time, Mike came running in from upstairs.
"Oh my god! Are you okay?! What happened?" he asked. We both were waving our hands in front of our faces, to clear the smoke.
I walked over to the window, and opened it, coughing.
"I have no idea how that happened...I was boiling water, and suddenly the element was on FIRE!" I said.
"Oh...I think I know how it started....Dan was in here this morning making hash browns, and I noticed that he used a LOT of oil. It was almost to the top of the pan, and was splashing and splattering everywhere. It must have gotten under the element, and on the element...and once it reached the right temperature it caught on fire," he said.
"Oh my god, what an idiot. The house could have burned down! I HATE THAT GUY!" I said. My heart was still racing...and I was not exaggerating my hate. This kid is the ultimate douchebag.

Once the element cooled off, I took it out, to replace the tin foil...and sure enough there was oil all over the element and in the tin foil tray. I was astounded. I have never seen a PUDDLE of oil in the tin foil tray on an stove top before. What kind of an idiot allowed that to happen!? Seriously!

The asshole is just lucky I didn't completely panic, and knew what to do. Otherwise, there could have been a LOT of damage done.

Anyways, on the plus side, my landlords wife, Shivbon (pronounced Shiv-on) had her baby today! It was a healthy baby boy! They named him Cooper! I think that is the cutest name, and I may steal it for myself. Ha! Dean, the husband, came and showed me pictures after dinner today, and I must say he is a beautiful little baby! He has a full head of hair too! SO CUTE! They will likely be home on Saturday, and he said I would get to hold him then! YAY! So excited. I love babies, and I can't wait to have one! Ha! Don't tell any guys I said that, though.

It was kinda funny, cuz this morning I was woken up at about 8:30 by hearing Shiv scream "DEEEEEEEEEEEAN! It's coming! OH MY GOD, it's COMING!" I could only assume that her water broke, or something. I sprung out of bed, and listened to them calmly get their stuff, and get ready to go to the hospital. As they were going outside, I opened the back door, and yelled "GOOD LUCK YOU GUYS!". They giggled and said thanks. See, Shiv is actually a year younger than me, so this is her first baby. She's such a cutie, I am so happy for her!!! When I got home from school, at around 4, she had already had the baby! Apparently she was only in labour for four hours. I couldn't believe that! What a lucky girl!

Anyways, I really should stop blabbing, and go get ready for the night. I'm off to the campus bar tonight. I have also convinced my new crush, M, to go out...so we shall see where THAT goes.

Cheers!!

On Knowing I've Still Got It

Every Wednesday I have two classes. The first class is Foundations in Education, which Alicia and I like to call "Philosophy". Essentially, the class is used to discuss philosophical issues in education, like equality/equity, gender discrimination, and various other teaching techniques. It's a fairly interesting course, and probably has the best reading material of any that I've had to take thus far at Lakehead. I would even venture so far as to say it's one of the more useful courses that they make us take. Most of the classes I take are total bullshit. Anyways, my crush, C, is in that class. He sits beside me, so it's made even better. I must admit, however, that my crush on him is slowly fading. I still have a teeny crush on him, but it's not nearly as strong as it was. I think that in a week or so I won't have a crush on him at all! That is good news, rest assured. I dislike having crushes when the feelings aren't mutual.

Anyways, I digress. I have another class on Wednesdays; Planning and Evaluation. In this class, we've been broken into teacher assigned groups, and we have to make this stupid inter-disiplinary unit plan. It is complete hogwash. Anyways, I was pretty pissed off to find out that the teacher made the groups up, because I had wanted to work with my friends. However, I also understand why he picked the groups. He wanted us to work outside our comfort area, and I am cool with that. Last week, we were given the groups, and one of my group members wasn't there. I couldn't even figure out who it was, by the name. I had no effing idea of the fourth person was, and frankly I was annoyed that they didn't come to class. The other two group members and I agreed that if he didn't show up this week, we were going to freak our freak and get him kicked off our team.

Well, he showed up today. And...I must say...he was a hunny. Ha ha ha! Leave it to me to make that comment, first and foremost. Following suit with such a comment, I can also admit that I have added a new crush to my repetoire. This one I shall call M. The only problem is, he seems like one of those party animal guys. This is his last semester (he's con-current education, which means that he took he will get his B.A. and his B.Ed at convocation in May....compared to myself, who already has a B.A.), and I think he's kind of looking to party it up, hardcore. He's also not from anywhere near me, in terms of living in the South...which means that I really shouldn't pursue this crush at all. It would be pretty stupid to do so. However, as I have previously stated, I allow myself full range to be a flirt, and flirt I shall.

I used the excuse of the group to add him to MSN, and thankfully HE made the first conversation move...and proceeded to chat me up for a considerable amount of time. Then he extended a party invitation to me, for this weekend. Clearly he wants into my pants. I don't think I am exaggerating in saying this. Lucky for me, if I do accept his invitation, I will have nature to thank for making sure I am a good girl. IF you know what I mean....ahem.....my little monthly friend? Ha ha ha! Sometimes, when there is booze involved, I find my ability to be reasonable and smart decreases, and I often follow the call of my body. Ha ha. Who doesn't? Besides, he is cute, so the temptation will be strong. But, like I said, THANKFULLY, I will be incapable of being bad. This bodes well for me.

In the meantime, I will be my sexy and flirty self, and revel in the attention that is a man trying to bone me.

Cheers.

On Being "Under" An Ex

For the past year or so, I have been coming to terms with the fact that I am "under" my ex...

...of course, the terminology is from a Friends episode. When doesn't Friends apply to real life? Ha ha! Anyways, the reference I am making here is in the episode where Rachel tells Ross she is over him, and he asks when she was "under" him? Now do you get it? I am still under my ex. Ironically, his name is Adam. There have been way too many Adam's in my past. It's a habit I can't seem to kick. I maintain that I will marry an Adam - or at least someone with a four letter name. It seems to happen far too often. I am clearly attracted to Adams. Anyways....back to my original rant of being under Adam.

This is probably going to sound insanely bad...but I think about him almost every day. This wouldn't be a bad thing, if we had just broken up. However, we broke up....well it's coming on three years ago this May. Seriously. How is it that I am still hung up on a guy I haven't even talked to in three years? I mean, is that borderline creepy? Is that sad? Am I crazy?! Maybe I should explain....qualify the kind of thinking that I do...

You see, the majority of the times I am thinking more of what we HAD, and not necessarily the thought of him specifically. I really just miss that kind of companionship. I also keep falling back on thoughts of our relationship to convince myself that I am capable of BEING in a relationship that lasts longer than two months. I can honestly say that, until the very last month of our relationship I was completely and totally in love with Adam. It was that soul consuming love that you read about...the kind where I would look at him, on any given day, and my heart would skip a beat. I never stopped being attracted to him, even after 5 years. He gave me butterflies until the very end. I just really like to hope that since I found that once, I can find it again. You see, I typically go into a relionship pretty headstrong...and then after about two months I hit this brick wall. It's frustrating, because sometimes I'm with some pretty great guys.....such as the last Adam....and for whatever reason I just kinda shut down. I cannot explain it, and as much as I try to fight it (and trust me, I do) it seems to take over. It's not that I necessarily become a bitch, I just kind of.....stop reacting. It's really really bad, and I am pretty horrified by what happens. Anyways, I never had that happen with Adam. Even when I cheated on him (yes, it was a sad sad day when I did that...cuz the guy wasn't even worth it), I still wasn't shutting down on Adam (the first Adam...sorry...), I was shutting down on myself. Hard to explain, and even harder to understand, I am sure. I think I mostly wanted to experience being with someone else, since I had been with Adam for 5 years. Then, after it was done, I felt so ashamed of what I had done that I thought Adam didn't deserve me. I also convinced myself that I didn't love him; if I had truly loved him, I wouldn't have cheated. There is probably some validity in this. In fact, there is probably total validity in this fact. However, now I look back and I wish I had never done it. I wish I had never made that horrible decision, because maybe...just maybe...if I hadn't done that we would still be together. Maybe I would have the much covetted ring on my finger. We had always planned to get married the summer between my undergrad and Teachers College...well that is now passed. Maybe I would be married RIGHT NOW.

I think about this sort of thing all the time. I think of what could have been. I think about what an idiot I was.

Then, I think about the bad stuff. I remember all the little things he used to do that annoyed me, like how he spent money on stupid things like video games and comic books, or how his mother ruled his life. If I am honest with myself, I start to really doubt whether we would still be together. His family hated me, and he never did anything to stop it. He just let the hate exist, and told me that it didn't matter. Well, it did matter. It hurt me deeply.

But that's besides the point. The point is that I literally do think of Adam, or our relationship, at least once a day. And sometimes this scares me. Sometimes I wonder if I am every going to be able to find a relationship that matches, and ultimetly surpasses, the relationship we had. I can only hope that some day I will meet a guy that makes my heart skip beats every time he walks into a room again....or that I can find someone that excites me for longer than two months. I worry that I am being punished for the transgressions I made with Adam...like maybe I shouldn't have cheated. Maybe I am being punished for that. Or maybe I am being punished for any of the other things I have done wrong in life.

OR maybe God has a bigger plan in store for me. Maybe he is making me wait because I am not ready to find this guy that will bring my to my knees. I mean, in all seriousness I cannot be in a functioning relationship until I find stability. I've been over this in previous posts, and it remains true; I cannot settle down until my life has settled. In all fairness, the stable part of my life will start the moment I get back south. As soon as I am home, to the area I plan to reside in for the rest of my life, I can essentially afford to let myself fall into a real relationship. So I dunno....it's frustrating. I just worry, probably too much. What if what I had with Adam was it. What if I blew it? These are the things I think about. Which is why I think I am still "under" him.

I am probably over the real him, but I am not over the "idea" of him. I think that might be paraphrasing a quote from When Harry Met Sally....yah it is...Sally says something about not loving the guy, but loving the idea of the guy. Maybe that's all it is. Maybe I just love the idea. I miss the idea of what we had.

Regardless, the fact still remains that I think about him EVERY DAY! I wish I didn't, but I do. Please tell me that's normal. Tell me I am not a hopeless cause, because if I am....I don't know what I will do....

On Making Big Girl Decisions

(**Please note, the spell checker is NOT working...and unfortunatly I cannot spell that great [don't tell anyone]...so sorry about any mistakes)

I went snow tubing Saturday night. It was a lot of fun. In fact, it was probably the most fun I have had in a very long time, without the addition of booze. Except there was some booze added, so that's not entirely a true statement. I did manage to sneak a few tiny bottles of Malibu into my coat, and had a few sips here and there. However, I still don't contribute the fun time I had to the mediocre amount of booze that I ingested. It was pure adrenaline. I was reminded of my childhood generally, and more specifically I was reminded of my first tubing experience in Quebec, oh those many moons again. My first experience, as I just said, with tubing was in Quebec. In grade 9 everyone that was taking French got to go on a one week trip to Quebec City. It was an amazing experience, and one that I hope to duplicate in the near future. It was a gorgeous city, and I regret the fact that I didn't take any pictures. I also was not as historically minded as I am now, so I think a return trip would be even more enlightening to my newly historical self. The only problem with going on trips when you're in grade 9 is that you don't listen to your parents when they tell you to pack stuff. I'm sure you all remember the days of scoffing at your parents suggestions to wear a coat, or a hat, or any other sort of warming gear. So, when my Mom insisted that I take my winter boots with me, I laughed at her, and told her that wouldn't be necessary. Besides, according to my very wise grade 9 self, winter boots were lame and ugly. I would be MUCH more fashionable (which in those days took precidence over comfortable) in my running shoes. We had a struggle over the issue, which ended with her stuffing the boots in my backpack. Right before we left, I chucked them into the basement, snickering at how clever I was.

So when we went tubing, I had a nice pair of Nike runners on. With jeans, because snow pants were for babies....suffice it to say, my feet were incredibly cold and wet, as was my ass. I shivered the entire bus ride home....but so did everyone else, so it wasn't all bad.

This time, I was no fool. I went prepared; I had my nice new winter boots on AND a lovely pair of snow pants to boot. Yes, at 23 years old, I finally admitted that while snow pants are ugly to look at, they are a lifesaver when it comes to snow. As such, I was warm and dry this time around. I had a ball.

However, this whole scenario isn't why I entitled the post "On Making Big Girl Decisions", although it does fit. No, the title of this post is in reference to a little situation that developed between my friend Adam and I. You may recall that I had previously admitted my love for Adam. Again, I would like to reiterate that this love is purely of the brotherly variety (although if I am 40 and single, I will track him down and make him marry me, should he also be single. We could be happy, if we had no other choice ha ha ha). Anyways. I love him. He's a great guy. I used to be IN love with him....back in September...but I quickly got over that. I won't get into it, but basically he already has a girlfriend, and I realized I didn't really want to be that girl (besides, it wouldn't have gone anywhere, because I doubt he was, or is, planning on breaking up with her any time soon). We're good friends now, and often act as each other's "opposite sex confidant" up here in the Bay. Adam is probably the only guy up here I trust, and one of the few people of any sex I can trust, for that matter. However, every since the new semester has started, he has been acting a little differently towards me. The difference is not always bad; he's a little more attentive. However, sometimes the attention verges on overtly flirty and sexual. The old Krista would have probably repsonded to his advances....but the new Krista hasn't. He's invited me over a few times, though he usually couches these invitations as more of a "one of the guy" invitations (i.e. to watch Leafs games, or most recently the Super Bowl). Saturday night was different though....Saturday night started out fine...we were with a rather large group, and were all goofin around and having fun. Then, as he started to get drunker (he was drinking Whiskey straight all night), he started to try to isolate us more and more. At first I just thought it was because we're good friends etc etc. I didn't really think much of it. After we all got tired of tubing, we decided to head to the chalet for some drinks. I went to the bathroom, and when I got back there were no chairs left. I saw Alicia standing near Adam's chair, so I went and stood beside him there. He immediatly slid his arm around my waist, and pulled me down so he could whisper in my ear. I can honestly say I was a very good girl, and made sure to strategically position myself so that I IN NO WAY appeared to be making sexual advances to him to the other people present. With these people, you have to watch all your movements, because anything you do can be misconstrued to be some horrible rumour. Anyways, he pulls be closer, and asks me why I'm not drinking. I smile, and say that I am "good". He tries to convince me to get a drink, but I am pretty firm in saying no. Then he asks me if I am coming to the party afterwards (Cam's room mates were apparently having a party - but after what happened there last time, I was not too keen on going). I said, "We'll see..." (knowing full well that I wouldn't be going). He made a drunken pouty face at this, and then proceeded to try and coax me into coming. While he was trying to sweet talk me, his hand inched slowly up and down my back. I glanced over at Alicia, unsure of what to do. She raised an eyebrow at me, as if to say "Ha ha, what are you going to do NOW?"
I turned back to Adam, and told him I wasn't in the mood to go to the party, because I was hungry.
"Come back with me, I will make you food" he said.
His hand was now sliding under my shirt. I froze, completely caught off guard.
He kept rubbing my back...and I started to internally freak out. If people could SEE him doing this, I would be screwed. There is no way this would NOT get out...so I moved backwards a bit, which kind of forced his hand to be at an awkward angle, so he pulled it out. Success!
Or not....he wrapped his arm around me harder, pulling me onto his lap. Great....I wasn't sure what to do now, because my sitting on his lap was blatantly obvious to EVERYONE. Cam's room mate was giving me a quizical look. I tried to look as shocked as possible, and giggled nervously.
Then he whispered something in my ear that I wish he hadn't...."If you come with me....I'll tap that."
Now....come on....that's hilarious. My first instinct was to laugh out loud, because WHO SAYS THAT!? Ha! My second instinct was to make sure he was joking, so I followed my laugh with "What?!"
He looked at me, with the most serious face his drunken self could muster, and said "For reals"
I laughed again, and he said "Rolls eyes...." (which was apparently his catch phrase of the night...and basically serves as sarcasm in a phrase).
This was my cue to exit. I looked at Alicia and asked her if she wanted to go wait for the bus outside. She laughed, and said yes. So I wiggled my way out of Adam's lap, and told him I was going to go wait for the bus, and that he better be out there in ten minutes. He looked up at me, and made me promise him that I wouldn't let the bus leave without him, and that I would consider coming to the party. I told him I would, and then grabbed my stuff and left.

And thus was my awesome awesome big girl decision. You may roll your eyes at how mediocre such a scenario seems, but you weren't there. It was kind of a big deal, and I totally could have gone and slept with him that night...BUT I did not. I can honestly say I didn't even WANT to. This is a big step for me, because the old Krista...the Krista that existed in September, would have been all up on that. Not anymore though...I HONESTLY do not want any more stupid little flings that arn't going to go anywhere. For a guy to get ME, he has to want to be with ONLY me. And that's that.

So there it is. I have officially made the first few steps to becoming a big girl. Hurray!

On The Profoundness Of The Word UGH

So I'm watching season three of Grey's Anatomy on DVD tonight...we've been watching four episodes every Friday night lately. I don't think it's a bad thing, it's a good thing. I think it is a sign of my growth, my maturation, if you will. I am finally growing out of the party phase of my life, and entering the nesting phase. Or at least that's how I rationalize it to myself. Anyways, I digress. What I wanted to say was that I've been watching Greys...and it is really starting to annoy me. Meredith gets with this totally GORGEOUS and emotionally PERFECT boyfriend, in McDreamy. I mean seriously, he does and says all the right things. He is totally, in every possible way, ever, perfect. Now, obvioulsy such people don't exist in real life. They write characters in movies and television shows to be reflections of what we think of is perfect. He is the ideal man. What I really dislike about televison and movies is that they create these perfect men, and the women always, without fail, are profoundly unhappy with the men. They go all emotional and disgusting, and push the perfect men away. And every time it pisses the living shit out of me, because if such a person existed in real life, I would most certainly NEVER push them away. I would jump for joy, and ask him to marry me. I would ask HIM. I wouldn't pull a Meredith, and walk away. WHAT THE FUCK! You just had THE MOST PERFECT man in the entire planet tell you he wants to marry you, and have your babies, and you say "I can't". I'm sorry, what? What?

I'm 23 years old, and achingly single. I mean, to the point where I want to scream sometimes, when I see my friends getting engaged and having buck and does. I want to scream, not necessarily out of sheer anger, but more "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? PICK ME! PICK! ME!" Most of the time it doesn't bother me. The single-ness doesn't always bother me. For the most part, I am content with my life. I am in a good place. I am on the way towards something big. A real life. And admittedly, I cannot get into a serious long term relationship right now. It just isn't possible. I've been through this already, in previous posts. However, there are still moments, in any given day, where I am brutally reminded of how truly alone I really am. I always get over these moments pretty quickly, and then I don't really think much of them. However, when I sit here and watch Grey's, its a lot harder to get over the moments, because they just keep re-occuring. The anger in my bubbles up, and I sometimes literally scream at the television screen. Usually I say "What the FUCK! You are a stupid, silly bitch", or something along those lines.

One of my friends got engaged last night. She had been dating her new fiancee for...oh roughly two or three months now. TWO OR THREE MONTHS. She is engaged. She has a ring. What the HELL is going on here? Is this some kind of profound joke? Where everyone around me is getting engaged, or into THE serious relationship of their life, and I am STILL looking? I am still horribly and totally single? I am single in the most single of ways. I don't even have any prospects. I am, for whatever reason, unattractive (relationship wise) to all the men that I know. What is that about?! WHAT IS THAT?! How can this girl, my friend, meet someone and become engaged two-three months later. Why can't something like that happen to me?!

Wait, I take that back. I don't think I could possibly be deluded enough to agree to marry someone after two or three months. I have way more brains than that. There is no way you could POSSIBLY begin to understand what a person is like in that amount of time. No possible way. People are way too complex for you to get a solid grasp on in that amount of time; you could live with them, and be around them 24-7, and you STILL wouldn't understand their entire being in two or three months. I'm not going to lie; I am frowning SERIOUSLY upon my friends decision to accept the engagement. I think it is huge mistake. However, I would never say that to her. I would also never deny the fact that, despite my misgivings, I am slightly jealous. Or entirely jealous. Well. Entirely. I just wish that someone loved me enough to bring up the idea after two or three months. I would obviously laugh in his face, and turn him down....but the fact would still remain that he cared about me enough to posit the idea.

Anyways....I know I've said I'm not looking, and I know I've said that I am content with my singleness. Both of those statements are true. I am happy. But I am also a woman, and more importantly, I am human. I think we all crave attention and love. It makes the world go round. It's just shows like Grey's Anatomy that get my blood boiling. It bothers me to no end to see women make stupid mistakes when it comes to men, be it accepting a premature proposal, or turning away the perfect man after the perfect amount of courting time.

I guess it just goes to show that the world is perfectly imperfect, and that nothing ever goes the way we want it to. Until one day it does.

Cheers.