For the past year or so, I have been coming to terms with the fact that I am "under" my ex...
...of course, the terminology is from a Friends episode. When doesn't Friends apply to real life? Ha ha! Anyways, the reference I am making here is in the episode where Rachel tells Ross she is over him, and he asks when she was "under" him? Now do you get it? I am still under my ex. Ironically, his name is Adam. There have been way too many Adam's in my past. It's a habit I can't seem to kick. I maintain that I will marry an Adam - or at least someone with a four letter name. It seems to happen far too often. I am clearly attracted to Adams. Anyways....back to my original rant of being under Adam.
This is probably going to sound insanely bad...but I think about him almost every day. This wouldn't be a bad thing, if we had just broken up. However, we broke up....well it's coming on three years ago this May. Seriously. How is it that I am still hung up on a guy I haven't even talked to in three years? I mean, is that borderline creepy? Is that sad? Am I crazy?! Maybe I should explain....qualify the kind of thinking that I do...
You see, the majority of the times I am thinking more of what we HAD, and not necessarily the thought of him specifically. I really just miss that kind of companionship. I also keep falling back on thoughts of our relationship to convince myself that I am capable of BEING in a relationship that lasts longer than two months. I can honestly say that, until the very last month of our relationship I was completely and totally in love with Adam. It was that soul consuming love that you read about...the kind where I would look at him, on any given day, and my heart would skip a beat. I never stopped being attracted to him, even after 5 years. He gave me butterflies until the very end. I just really like to hope that since I found that once, I can find it again. You see, I typically go into a relionship pretty headstrong...and then after about two months I hit this brick wall. It's frustrating, because sometimes I'm with some pretty great guys.....such as the last Adam....and for whatever reason I just kinda shut down. I cannot explain it, and as much as I try to fight it (and trust me, I do) it seems to take over. It's not that I necessarily become a bitch, I just kind of.....stop reacting. It's really really bad, and I am pretty horrified by what happens. Anyways, I never had that happen with Adam. Even when I cheated on him (yes, it was a sad sad day when I did that...cuz the guy wasn't even worth it), I still wasn't shutting down on Adam (the first Adam...sorry...), I was shutting down on myself. Hard to explain, and even harder to understand, I am sure. I think I mostly wanted to experience being with someone else, since I had been with Adam for 5 years. Then, after it was done, I felt so ashamed of what I had done that I thought Adam didn't deserve me. I also convinced myself that I didn't love him; if I had truly loved him, I wouldn't have cheated. There is probably some validity in this. In fact, there is probably total validity in this fact. However, now I look back and I wish I had never done it. I wish I had never made that horrible decision, because maybe...just maybe...if I hadn't done that we would still be together. Maybe I would have the much covetted ring on my finger. We had always planned to get married the summer between my undergrad and Teachers College...well that is now passed. Maybe I would be married RIGHT NOW.
I think about this sort of thing all the time. I think of what could have been. I think about what an idiot I was.
Then, I think about the bad stuff. I remember all the little things he used to do that annoyed me, like how he spent money on stupid things like video games and comic books, or how his mother ruled his life. If I am honest with myself, I start to really doubt whether we would still be together. His family hated me, and he never did anything to stop it. He just let the hate exist, and told me that it didn't matter. Well, it did matter. It hurt me deeply.
But that's besides the point. The point is that I literally do think of Adam, or our relationship, at least once a day. And sometimes this scares me. Sometimes I wonder if I am every going to be able to find a relationship that matches, and ultimetly surpasses, the relationship we had. I can only hope that some day I will meet a guy that makes my heart skip beats every time he walks into a room again....or that I can find someone that excites me for longer than two months. I worry that I am being punished for the transgressions I made with Adam...like maybe I shouldn't have cheated. Maybe I am being punished for that. Or maybe I am being punished for any of the other things I have done wrong in life.
OR maybe God has a bigger plan in store for me. Maybe he is making me wait because I am not ready to find this guy that will bring my to my knees. I mean, in all seriousness I cannot be in a functioning relationship until I find stability. I've been over this in previous posts, and it remains true; I cannot settle down until my life has settled. In all fairness, the stable part of my life will start the moment I get back south. As soon as I am home, to the area I plan to reside in for the rest of my life, I can essentially afford to let myself fall into a real relationship. So I dunno....it's frustrating. I just worry, probably too much. What if what I had with Adam was it. What if I blew it? These are the things I think about. Which is why I think I am still "under" him.
I am probably over the real him, but I am not over the "idea" of him. I think that might be paraphrasing a quote from When Harry Met Sally....yah it is...Sally says something about not loving the guy, but loving the idea of the guy. Maybe that's all it is. Maybe I just love the idea. I miss the idea of what we had.
Regardless, the fact still remains that I think about him EVERY DAY! I wish I didn't, but I do. Please tell me that's normal. Tell me I am not a hopeless cause, because if I am....I don't know what I will do....
No comments:
Post a Comment